not sending DS to his dads

[HariPnut]

Ds is 8yo.

His dad is meant to see him every weekend, but in reality sees him every other weekend and sometimes not even that, he lets him down quite often, and doesn't see him for a whole month every year for work.

He is a pretty hands off parent. Has never been to DS's school, I'm not sure he even knows what his school is called. DS enjoys going there but he sees our home as his home.

My husband is having cancer treatment. We are shielding so thus far i have not sent DS to his dads at all as I can't risk him bringing it back to the house with him.

Now that DS's dad thinks that lockdown is being 'eased' he is asking to have him. I am reluctant to send DS there not knowing when he would be able to come back. The lockdown is not lifted, DH is still extremely vulnerable and I don't know when it will be safe for our household.

Is this wrong of me? He thinks I'm being selfish and unreasonable.

What do your husband doctors say about the risk ?

YANBU. Your husband is still vulnerable.

Point out official government guidelines. Be calm, be non-confrontational but stand your ground.

Lockdown has not been 'eased'. You don't know if you ex has been practising social distancing/isolation until now or not.

We have been told my husband is to shield for 12 weeks currently, but that it is subject to be extended depending on what happens. DS's school says even if his year group was to return to school that he wouldn't due to DH's illness.

We get all shopping delivered etc

He seems to think i should let DS go there because in 4 weeks lockdown will probably be finished so he can come back. I feel that there's no way to know that, and it doesn't change DH's vulnerability. I don't want to send DS away with no idea when it would be safe for him to return.

Ask your husband's oncologist and follow his/her advice.

Absolutely don’t send him there if your husband needs to shield. Your cannot guarantee your ex is not coming into regular contact with others. He could pick it up from the shops and give it to your da. Keep him home with you. Any decent human being would understand that a cancer patient needs to shield! Your ex is being selfish, not you.

Any decent human being would understand that a cancer patient needs to shield!
Yes, that's true but it canbeachieved in different ways. If I were you, I would send my DS to my ex and let him stay there to:

1. Protect your DH and
2. To enable DS to return to education when lockdown is eased/lifted.
3. To give him quality time with his DF.

Your boy enjoys seeing his DF, he would be better in education rather than falling behind by being at home, your DH would definitely be protected. Your DS has two parents. His DF might not have stepped up sufficiently previously but that isn't reason to deny him the right to see his DS at all.

NotEverythingIsBlackAndWhite DS would not be able to return to his school if he went to his dads, as they live an hours drive away and have another school age child. I am actually considering homeschooling full time but that's a whole different thread.

Would your ex countenance self isolating himself pre visit so you could be sure your DS wouldn't catch it and /or shield your husband when DS returns with separate room, cutlery, bathroom etc? This situation is not going away anytime soon and he really should see his dad somehow if at all possible.

We don't have the luxury of a separate bathroom in our house for DS, plus DH still needs to be cared for by me as does DS obviously so I would be in close contact with both of them? I really don't know how I'm meant to make this work.

That is really difficult. Could your ex come over and have a chat in the garden for a bit with really strict distancing, no sharing of cups, plates etc and an understanding that he can't use the loo? plus up the regularity of facetime calls?

I have offered facetime whenever he likes, he hasn't facetimed for a month now. He won't drive up here to have a chat with DS or see him on the door/through the window or anything as I've suggested.

Well then I think it's perfectly reasonable in your circumstances to say he can't go for the time being. Ex sounds like he only wants contact on his terms and isn't overly fussed. If your son hasn't facetimed him either then why should you take such a genuine risk with your husbands health to facilitate a contact neither are fussed about.

I have offered facetime whenever he likes, he hasn't facetimed for a month now

He won't drive up here to have a chat with DS or see him on the door/through the window

That's odd. You'd think he'd grab whatever time he could have if he's that desperate to spend time with DS.

Is he using this as some kind of excuse to have a pop at you?

Probably, yes. He felt it was an 'insult' for me to suggest facetime. So he just hasn't spoken to him.

What does your DS want to do?

I understand you need to protect your DH, but this could go on for months. If your DS wants to see his dad then you need to take his needs into account.

DS was upset that he may not go there as his dad has bought a video game he wants (that he's not allowed to play here) but he would prefer to stay here. Don't get me wrong he does miss his dad too. Practically though if i send him and it gets to a stage that his dad and his partner have to return to work and we are still having to stay in it creates a huge mess.