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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want at least a little bit of my old life back??

20 replies

WheresMyOldLifeGone · 18/05/2020 19:30

I hate feeling like this it makes me feel crap...

My partner has been seriously ill (life threatening surgery in Feb 2020, week in icu, kind of ill.) for about 18 months. He is now on the mend and doing well.

My entire life has changed beyond all recognition from the life i loved 2 years ago, we haven’t been able to have a physical relationship for over 18 months and now we can safely at least try, he doesn’t seem interested (though think this is partly fear on his part...) we used to spend evenings laughing and having fun now i can’t get him away from the tv.

I know he’s been though SO much and i know he’s still recovering (and thats not been made any easier by the lockdown etc.) but i almost get the feeling he’s now used to being ill and not able to do anything, so now he’s on the mend he’s still acting like he’s very ill.

I’ve supported him through every stage of this, even helping him use the toilet and shower, am i being unreasonable to want at least a glimmer of hope that we might get part of our old relationship back?

OP posts:

ShaketheDisease · 18/05/2020 19:32

Was his surgery actually in Feb 2020, i.e. 3 months ago, or is that a typo?

Toilenstripes · 18/05/2020 19:34

Seriously? You can’t be! Your partner is recovering from life threatening illness and surgery and you want sex? What’s wrong with you!?

StCharlotte · 18/05/2020 19:35

You poor love.

Have you talked about it with him? Does he acknowledge there's an issue? I'm not normally one to suggest this route but maybe some counselling might help him. It sounds like he's been through a he'll of a lot - as have you of course.

june2007 · 18/05/2020 19:40

I get it. Last year my oh was diagnosed with a,life changing condition. It means he can,t do things he used to and is very frustrating. But however frustrating it is for me it must be more so for him.

AmIAWeed · 18/05/2020 19:41

Ignore @Toilenstripes
Your feelings are completely legitimate, you're allowed to feel anything you do and wishing for the life you had 2 years ago is fine.
Wanting intimacy in a relationship is fine.

It may be that the timing isn't right for your partner, and helping them get back or establish a new normal is something you'll need to do with them, it's a journey for you both. It's more in how that is approached that matters.

But you're feelings are still normal and ok, you need help and support just as much as your partner does. I hope someone in real life can help you with this, or posters can offer genuine advice and not just jump on to have a go, sometimes you need to vent and saying you miss sex isn't bad, if you pestered him for it that would be different!

Elieza · 18/05/2020 19:55

He will recover in his own time and things will get back to normal. He is probably terrified to exert himself.

When you stare your own mortality in the face you come out the other side different. Changed. Scared and grateful at the same time.

Just give him time.

Original poster

WheresMyOldLifeGone · 18/05/2020 19:56

His surgery was in early Feb 2020 which i no wasn’t long ago at all, but I haven’t brought up the idea of sex with him (was his surgeon who brought it up and who actually said he could 6 weeks ago!) but just a hug and cuddle would be nice yes - don’t think that’s being unreasonable.

Thank you to those who haven’t judged me, my entire life has changed and that’s very hard (I know his has changed even more.)

OP posts:

Toilenstripes · 18/05/2020 19:57

Why ignore me? I have a good grasp on having a serious illness. I would divorce my husband if he wanted sex while I was still recovering. What’s wrong with understanding that? Get a vibrator.

MissMarplesParcel · 18/05/2020 20:02

That’s really not long after his surgery. The poor guy is probably very scared. He nearly died. He has been very ill and probably suffering a lot with anxiety and some mental health issues. It’s a bit much to expect him to be lighthearted joking and laughing and all about intimacy!

icansmellburningleaves · 18/05/2020 20:07

He’s only had surgery two minutes ago!! Being very ill and intensive care in hospital is a very traumatic event to go through. He’s probably still coming to terms with that. I think you’re being selfish and thoughtless. Having sex will be the last thing on his mind. Try putting his health and feeling before your own needs and get yourself a good vibrator.

ShakeTheDisease · 18/05/2020 20:08

I've had serious surgery more than once. 3 months afterwards is nowhere near the point of being definitely able to resume a normal life. You will need to back off on the sex front, but I think you could give him affection and say you would like him to return it and you've missed it.

Daphnise · 18/05/2020 20:09

I don't think you have the right idea about recovery times- much longer than you think.

And while it understandable you want to regain a past normality, I'm afraid it's not going to happen, at least not in the short term future.

Your post really has the ring of a person who has never been seriously ill, and faced with the reality of a severe illness, you may sound a little childish- and your assertion about him enjoying it and playing on being ill, if I read it correctly, is not particularly pleasant.

Tiramisuiloveyou · 18/05/2020 20:15

OP having been in a similar situation myself something like this can really change you and your outlook completely. I think your OH is still finding his feet and maybe some counselling would help him but this would need to be his idea. It helped me enormously get my head around the situation and get back to normal life. Take care OP and take care of your OH.

positivity123 · 18/05/2020 20:16

I think sex and the nice times together are different issues.
Can you try and plan a date evening at home this weekend? Cook something nice and no TV maybe some wine. Might be good to break the routine and just talk face to face?
Give him time but make it clear that this can't be the new normal forever.

Crimsonnightlotus · 18/05/2020 20:17

I think YABU. Take it slow. Having a life threatening illness and surgery needs so much time to heal, both physically and emotionally. I know it's hard as a carer, but it's too soon to be pushing and expecting something he isn't feeling confident and ready.
He is recovering. There will be a lot of great times ahead of you.

Jezebel101 · 18/05/2020 20:38

Your feelings are completely understandable , and I guess you feel ready to start living again and putting it behind you. It just might take longer for your partner, because of the added horror of nearly losing his life and fear of this uncertain world and his once solid but now tenuous grip on his own life has been shaken twice over.

Give him time, give him hugs with no agenda for more, just affection without expectation. Normalise closeness, sex will follow when relations are warm and when he's ready.

Don't pressure him or yourself, it will happen when he feels safe about it. Keep up the affection but take the pressure of sex off him and let him get ready in his own time.

QuestionMarkNow · 18/05/2020 20:38

I almost get the feeling he’s now used to being ill and not able to do anything, so now he’s on the mend he’s still acting like he’s very ill.

As someone who is chronically ill, THAT made me want to scream. Who are you to decide that he is well enough to act in a certain way?

I get that you are missing your old life, I bet he is missing it even more. Because he has to also deal with the small thing of having being extremely ill (and be fearful etc....).

So yes I am sure that it is hard for you, I am sure you have been as helpful as you can. But its still not you who was ill, in ICU and has had the shittiest 18 months.

QuestionMarkNow · 18/05/2020 20:41

Re cuddles. Did you ask him? Have you talked to him and asked him for a cuddle with no pressure of having sex?

When you say the only he does Nowadays is sitting in front of the TV. Do you really think he can Do more? What would you expect to see happening? Is that realistic?

SudokuBook · 18/05/2020 20:49

YANBU, and I guess it might even just be not about sex really, but about the whole relationship changing and being a carer rather than in a relationship of partners. It’s worse for your partner I am sure but it is still OK to grieve for what you had and want it back

Dogsaresomucheasier · 18/05/2020 21:36

My husband has a chronic condition and I completely get it. I don’t think you are wrong to miss the relationship you had when he was well, or to want your caring efforts to be appreciated and feel that you and your relationship deserve some effort. Communicating that in a way that doesn’t seem petulant or threatening is the very difficult bit and I don’t pretend to have all the answers. Can you build his confidence, reassure him that you are glad he survived, still love and want him, but without the pressure. Would he talk about planning a holiday for example?

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