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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop cooking for dp

20 replies

Kaylasmum53 · 18/05/2020 13:23

We have been together for 19 years and have 2 dcs aged 16 and 13.

Our relationship is struggling massively. I don't feel I get enough help at home and my dp has a habit of telling me to fuck off during arguments. I have asked him many times not to say that too me as I find it disrespectful but still he does it.

I really don't want to keep cooking for him when he can't even show me a little respect. I think I might be being pretty but not sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kaylasmum53 · 18/05/2020 13:24

petty

OP posts:

UnfinishedSymphon · 18/05/2020 13:25

Don't stop at cooking, don't do anything for him until he learns to respect you and what you do

Original poster

Kaylasmum53 · 18/05/2020 13:27

Thank you, was just worried that I might be making too big a deal out of it.

OP posts:

JustStayHome · 18/05/2020 13:29

Don't do anything for him !

cravingpistachiocake · 18/05/2020 13:31

Honestly it does sound petty to me. He swears at you, in retaliation you stop cooking for him.

I think it would be more productive to try to have a calm discussion about your relationship issues. Maybe try to come up with an agreed plan for a fairer distribution of housework.

Durgasarrow · 18/05/2020 13:32

Of course you don't have to cook for him.

Original poster

Kaylasmum53 · 18/05/2020 13:45

I have tried talking about it over the years, time and time again, I get called a nag and it usually ends up with him losing his temper. He doesn't want to discuss anything.

OP posts:

OhTheGeese · 18/05/2020 14:08

What are you trying to achieve? Do you want him to finally realise that you are upset and agree to discuss constructively? In that case, stop cooking for him.

If you are just fed up and you want to end the relationship then, if it were me, I would keep the peace for the sake of DCs and at the same time make my plans to separate. Then separate.

Muh2020 · 18/05/2020 14:12

Yeah, you should quit while you're ahead and split up.
This is no way to live.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/05/2020 14:17

It is petty. Adults in relationships should communicate. If you're at the end of the road then the cooking is neither here nor there in the big scheme of things. His lack of respect for you is not going to be resolved by you not cooking for him. What it comes down to is whether or not you feel the relationship is coming to an end?

begoniapot · 18/05/2020 15:43

Food and washed clothes are things no one can do without. Do it.

Malysh · 18/05/2020 15:48

If you've tried to bring it up many times over the years and nothing changed I'm frankly amazed at your patience. I'd have stopped doing the housework looong ago if I felt my partner wasn't pulling their weight.

I'm not sure how the cooking bit would work practically speaking. Presumably you cook for yourself and the kids, I don't see how you could tell him he's not allowed to sit at the table and help himself. But if he eats at different times that's easier.

I'd stop the laundry though definitely.

Original poster

Kaylasmum53 · 18/05/2020 16:23

I think we will separate, it's more than just swearing at me, it's the total disregard that he shows for my feelings when he knows that I hate being told to fuck off. Of course I cook for all of us but I dont have to serve any up to him. He tells me that doing the housework is my choice!

I don't know how to start again after all these years together but I can't live like this anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kaylasmum53 · 18/05/2020 16:25

VladmirsPoutine I do communicate with him, he doesn't want to listen.

OP posts:

nowayhose · 18/05/2020 16:55

Sounds like you know it's over for you and you're just going through the motions during lockdown :(

I honestly don't think I'd bother doing anything for him at all, I'd just carry on for myself and the kids.

If you really think it's the end for you, I'd probably have a calm conversation with the kids to let them know that things will be changing and then pick the best time to let your 'D'H know that you don't want to talk, you just want to let him know that you have decided the marriage is no longer what you want and that you are separating.

If he turns nasty, you just call the police to get him removed, but if he stays calm, you can arrange separate sleeping arrangements etc until lockdown is over.

You'll find lots of good advice on here about who to contact and what to do about separating eg housing, money, benefits etc and protecting both your money and yourself and your children during this difficult time.

Feedingthebirds1 · 18/05/2020 17:05

You're not being petty, and the only reason YABU is that stopping cooking for him isn't going to change anything. He's not going to suddenly slap his forehead and think 'Oh no, how did I not see it? I've been awful to my wife and this is the wakeup call I needed'.

YANBU however to decide that enough's enough and start preparing to leave him. Which I would recommend!

MysweetAudrina · 18/05/2020 17:12

It depends really as once you do that it is possible that he will raise the ante by withdrawing something fro you. Are you reliant on him for anything? Money, lifts, ? If not then crack on, if you are be careful of where this might end and of who my ultimately lose out.

roxfox · 18/05/2020 20:43

I'd stop cooking and doing his laundry if you do that and whatever else. You don't respect me, you can't get me.

GingerbreadBiscuits00 · 18/05/2020 20:48

I would not do anything for him. He can cook his own food and do his own washing hes a fully grown adult your not his mum.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/05/2020 21:18

"He tells me that doing the housework is my choice!"
If housework is a choice, then so is cooking.

Honestly, if you "have tried talking about it over the years" and there's been no change - there is nothing you can do to bring about change. Only he can do that and he has no reason to do so. I think that is what you have to accept. He is NOT going to change. How he is is how he's always going to be .

So what you need to turn your attention to is not him and his behaviour, but YOU and YOUR FUTURE. Do you want to live like this until the day you die? No, right? So what do you want your future, without him as your partner, to look like? Your children are 13 and 16, their access to him doesn't have to be via you.

So start getting your plans made.

Get the paperwork together. Copies of bank statements and payslips so that finances can be sorted. If he doesn't respect you he'll probably try to avoid paying child support, so have the paperwork to prove income etc.

Check what financial support you will be entitled to - tax credits etc. Hopefully someone will be along who can give you more info on that than I can.

Plan. Then implement that plan. This is no way to live.

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