How quickly can you know a partner?

[Bathbedandbeyond]

I’m 8 months in and there have been no red flags.

He is calm, kind, considerate and I’ve met his family and friends (met through mutual friend, she adores him), who all think he’s great.

He has a good job, very responsible and requires a DBS check.

He does have a string on failed relationships though. He (my friend) says he never found the right person. I know that he’s told his guy friends via group message that he’s finally found what he’s been looking for in me (one of his friends sent a screen shot to our mutual friend with the caption ‘at last’)

AIBU to think that I’m seeing the real him or is he going to leave me a heartbroken mess

There can never be a guarantee of anything! People change over time as well.

But it sounds like a really promising start.

What happens when you disagree? I think being able to argue "productively", ie listen to each other but also make your side of the case and then come to some compromise or agreement is really important.

I agree with mojomoon - if you can't communicate, listen to each other and come to agreements together- then don't go ahead, I continued despite the opposite of all that, and for my trouble I am deeply unhappy and in a right mess.

Differing opinions result in us talking and acknowledging the other persons side. No arguments yet though, so that might feel different.

does have a string on failed relationships though.

But if he didn't, he wouldn't have been single to meet you.

It sounds very promising. Mojo is right that there are never ever any guarantees. But there certainly aren't any red flags.

The one comment I would make is that I don't think you can ever really know anyone until you have been through tough or less-than-exciting times with them.

It's relatively easy to keep up a positive gloss on things for some time if everything is ticking along nicely. Your relationship will not be really tested until the going gets tougher.

Do you live together yet? I think you get to know someone's bad points when you live together. Also when something bad/stressful happens, this could be a minor thing like something going a bit wrong when you're on holiday together, or a major thing like a bereavement. Those are like little tests of a relationship. And the ultimate one is having children

Does he explain why he thinks his previous relationships failed? Does he blame the girlfriends?

Don't overthink what might happen in the future.

My tests of a man's true colours are:
How does he behave when you are ill?
How does he behave when you are too busy at work to give him much time?
Can he talk with you about future plans easily or does this make him twitchy?
Is your opinion as valid as his?
Do you get equal say in where you go, what you do, what to eat, how joint money is spent?
Does he pull rank if he has higher income (relevant as men are still often paid more than women, even for the same job) or is he fair? (Fair being - recognising he has more money so shouldering a proportionate amount of the cost of living without feeling this gives him power over you. Or accepting you need to do things on a tighter budget than him and not belittling you for it.)
How does he behave after an argument? Does he (and do you) make an effort to get back on track?
Do you laugh together? Can you be silly together?

Warning signs:
He thinks you are 'perfect'. No one is. You will be demoted if you ever have a bad day.
He thinks your future life will be 'perfect'. No life is. You want a grown up who can handle upsets and setbacks with maturity

Try refusing him something. See his reaction. Does he:
1)accept with good grace
2) try to persuade you but give up readily when he sees you mean it
3) harrangue you for ages, to try and change your mind
3)sulk and/or give you the silent treatment
4)get angry, or
5) get violent?
Only 1 and 2 are acceptable. It can be illuminating to see a partner’s response in these circumstances- any man can be lovely until his wishes are thwarted.

But you were single when you met him, then that means all your past relationships were "failed relationships" too...

Those are like little tests of a relationship. And the ultimate one is having children grin

DH and I have been married for 30 years. We’ve never had children. We’ve been through a lot - infertility, cancer, ,trying to cope with needy elderly parents in different parts of the country- but no we’ve never really been tested

monkeyonthetables list is spot on:

My tests of a man's true colours are:
How does he behave when you are ill?
How does he behave when you are too busy at work to give him much time?
Can he talk with you about future plans easily or does this make him twitchy?
Is your opinion as valid as his?
Do you get equal say in where you go, what you do, what to eat, how joint money is spent?
Does he pull rank if he has higher income (relevant as men are still often paid more than women, even for the same job) or is he fair? (Fair being - recognising he has more money so shouldering a proportionate amount of the cost of living without feeling this gives him power over you. Or accepting you need to do things on a tighter budget than him and not belittling you for it.)
How does he behave after an argument? Does he (and do you) make an effort to get back on track?
Do you laugh together? Can you be silly together?

I would add to this:

Is he reliable in doing what he says he will do when he says he will do it?
Does he play head games or mess around in relation to arrangements? That's an immediate red flag and I would drop someone like a hot brick if they show signs of this.
How does he respond if you show vulnerability -- some men will recoil and run away, others actively encourage it. Neither are good. A good one should be able to accept your vulnerability and work to reassure you but should not use it as leverage or stoke it.
Does he actually listen to you and show interest in your life? If its all about him it doesn't bode well.

Excellent point Kurri

I like the idea of a little test, I might try that.

Thanks for the responses.

And by the way I would add that I don't think previous relationships failing is necessarily a bad thing. As others have pointed out if they hadn't failed he wouldn't be single.

And also, knowing when to walk away from a relationship which isn't serving your needs is not necessarily a bad thing. Obviously it depends on the circumstances, but it shows you know yourself and your own mind and you aren't afraid to be on your own, which are good characteristics in my view.

Generally speaking... 3 months is when you stop pretending who you are, 1 year you tend to know what you’re getting into, 1 year living together you really know what you’re getting into and how compatible you are, and then a trying time (illness, redundancy, family death, baby etc.) you really really know

It sounds like things are going well OP

"Test" sounds like game playing to me and tbh I wouldn't like anyone who felt they had to create a fake scenario to test me/play games.

monkey's list is good and others have given good advice too.

Just to add.... after an ex who said and projected lots of wonderful things, but reality never matched up, I realised that you can only ever really know how someone treats you and how someone makes you feel. Going into my new relationship I used this as a litmus test: he treats me very well (actions as well as words) and makes me feel loved and secure

I don't recommend that you test him. It will feel like a test.
I'm sure you can reflect back and think of occasions that apply. Or not shy away in future.

For example: I wouldn't say no, just as a test.
But if you haven't said no to him at all, why is that? Is it because he's given you options and been respectful or is it because you have felt uneasy about saying no?
For example: does he ask where and when you'd like to go out, or does he suggest somewhere and asks for your opinion, or does he tell you where you're going?

Moving in is always a game-changer for me. It's very easy to get on with someone when you have your own space to retreat to and you're not with them day in, day out.

Do you have plans to live together in the near future?

I moved in with DH after 4 months, and got engaged after 7. A few years (5) down the line we are happily settled with DS.

Everyone thought it would end it tears but it's been magical

Whether or not a string of failed relationships is a potential warning sign depends on how long the string is.

Shame you can't go on holiday at the moment, as that can give you plenty of good opportunities to get stressed or rub one another up the wrong way and see how you both deal with it.

Agree on the "actions as well as words" bit. Has he ever gone out of his way to do something for you? Does he bring you a cup of tea in bed?

I don't like the idea of testing people. It feels very middle school. Would you like it if he started testing you? It's underhand and tbh not exactly treating him as an equal. Just be straight with him, and assume that he is being straight with you unless given reason to think otherwise.

Tests? Really.
Why not just see what happens over time?

8 months in and a partner was ill, I would be meh. It's new, not living together etc. Unless it involved the hospital. But for a cold or something, yea big deal.

Surely you know his reaction when you tell him no I'm not going to suck your dick tonight? Why the need to play games?

Does he respect you as an individual? That's usually where I start.

Cooking dinner, cleaning up etc, find that out over time when you start popping round to each other for dates.

You start getting an idea of how they are with money before moving in. Who pays for the dates, when you both go and get something from the shop, treats, things like that.

Attitudes to women is also a standard go to.

Find out if he's one of those man child disasters. If he is, run.

And don't forget, he could also be thinking the same. Just think that call about a cold as a test could tell him, omg what a drama llama, see ya.