AIBU to think women shouldn't always be expected to 'just get on with it'?

[UndertheCedartree]

Just a bit of a vent, really. This happened a few days ago but I'm still feeling upset/angry about it.

I'm currently an inpatient at a psychiatric unit - hoping to be discharged in the next few months. I came home on leave but unfortunately caught Covid so have ended up staying at home for about 6 weeks. When at home I live with my 2 young DC by myself.

I have recovered now so will be going back to hospital soon. My psychiatrist advised I needed to be a week past acute symptoms - I am now 2 weeks past as I was still quite unwell at 1 week past. I am speaking to him tomorrow to plan what day I'll go back.

Due to my mental health my DC have a SW and are on a Child in Need plan. We had a meeting on Friday over the phone. At this meeting I was made to feel guilty about going back to hospital as how would the DC's father (we are seperated) cope with looking after the DC all day, every day with no break? (Currently no leave will be given fron hospital) And my DC would have to go to school 5 days a week (they have been home full-time since lockdown).

Noone gave a fuck that I've been home all day, every day with my DC with no break and with Covid! The only break I had was when I was admitted to hospital for 3 days! Literally the whole time I have spoken to the SW once! This is not the first time they have seemed to pander to the DC's dad. As it happens he's perfectly capable of looking after them and has proved it over the period of me being unwell. He can cope for a few weeks - it won't be forever! It just upsets me that they always just expect me to get on with it but fall over themselves to help with the DC's dad!

I agree that's poor and there are far too many occasions where women are told to "just get on with it"

Agreed. Pisses me right off.

They sound as if they suffer from throwback 1950s sexual double standards. Surely, either way, they shouldn’t be bothering someone who’s essentially only not currently a psych inpatient because of Covid19 about childcare, if the children are being well looked after by their other parent?

Concentrate on your recovery, OP. Best wishes.

Yanbu. Tgst is shocking.

Could the father have them full time? Then no need for social services involvement? But tbh the main thing is you get the treatment you need.

Op contact your local authorities or have someone do this for you about the fact that you were made to feel guilty ,social workers are there to help YOU and your children not to judge you for being ILL , one of my close friends is the head social worker for the entire area and I'm positive would take disciplinary action against anyone that acted like this , it's so unprofessional your ex is a parent and more than capable of looking after his own children , im so sorry you are suffering with your mental health if you would have been admitted you must be very poorly and I really feel for you its just as valid as a physical illness and must be awful dealing with the corona virus at the same time (my usually very well freind had it and I know it is awfull) and hope everyone takes this into consideration when answering this post.. please concentrate on your recovery I'm and truly hope you are well in all respects soon xx

I remember your previous threads last year. I hope you're doing better.
Are the DC with their DF fulltime.

Slightly different perspective, a SW has to make sure the children are going to be well looked after, so I think questioning whether the proposed plan is ok isn't wrong, maybe you would have said actually their Dad is really struggling at the moment for x, y, z reasons (lots of people are) and the SW could have offered him support too. But this concern should definitely have been equal and applied to you too to check you would be ok! Good luck with your treatment.

I think it's totally unacceptable that the woman is always expected to be the default parent for all the difficult stuff. The men have a completely different set of rules. Anything to do with children is still very much firmly viewed as "women's work".

This is going to be particularly highlighted now that people are being told to go back to work. Guess which parent will be expected to stay home if there's no arrangement for the children?

I wish you the very best for your recovery. Do please take care of yourself.

The double standards are disgusting.

It’s always them men in my experience who seem to get away with murder when it comes to planning things like activities or packed lunches, childcare or paying for children. In my experience.

It’s like they think that if they say No to something it’s fine and someone else will just have to get on with it. Not giving a fuck that it’s you. Why are you expected to deal with it all when they can’t, yet they make women feel like we are the useless/not trying hard enough etc ones until we break.

They are the pathetic ones.

I hope you are feeling better OP and can get back to your normal best again soon.

Perhaps this extended period of childcare will teach your children’s father that it’s hard work and he will see what you go through for them if he doesn’t usually pull his weight!

Thank you for all the replies and best wishes
@EmeraldShamrock - the DC are with their dad while I am in hospital and with me when I'm home on leave - I'm usually home Thurs afternoon - Sun afternoon but due to Corona there is no leave at the moment- I'm really hoping that will change soon but it means their dad will have to have them full time for a while.
@Schrodingerspeanutbuttersandw

• I completely agree that making sure support is in place where needed is appropriate. However I don't think suggesting a mental health inpatient stays out of hospital to relieve the other non-mentally ill parent from looking after their DC is appropriate atall. They shouldn't be questioning the plan for me to go back to hospital after I've recovered from Covid - that is my psychiatrist's decision. If they really wanted to find out what support my ex needed - they could have invited him to the meeting - yep, that's right I was made to deal with the meeting over the phone which was really stressful but they didn't even invite him to it - poor lamb - might have been too stressful for him!

@UndertheCedartree There Dad will cope. You've enough to worry about after been ill with Covid too, I wouldn't stress about them. It is double standards as usual for women. Take care

So you were at home for six weeks with the children while ill both physically and mentally and you were just expected to cope but now your perfectly healthy ex is not expected to cope?

Wow.

I just can't get my head around that.

@UndertheCedartree Yes I totally agree with you, they shouldn't have ever questioned the plan for you made by your Psychiatrist, I meant the plan for your children being with their Dad. But yes of course it's wrong when a plan is for children to be looked after by their Mum and no one checks she is ok to do so but if it's a Dad people question it more. Sorry if my response came across any different to that. You sound like you have coped extraordinarily well during a hugely difficult time but it is very wrong that that is just 'expected of you' yet people doubt their Dad's ability to cope with much less. Best of luck with your readmission and recovery.

Replace 'psychiatric treatment' with 'any other sort of vital treatment' and I wonder whether they'd have tried to guilt trip you in the same way? Would they have dared to suggest that you should forego chemo for example because the male parent might struggle while you were away?

There are so many wrongs in that call. The sexism, the persistent attitude that a mental illness isn't as serious as a physical one, the absence of your children's father from the discussion (even though his wellbeing was brought into it!

I don't know your history but regardless, if you're a psychiatric inpatient who's somehow managed to make it through six weeks at home, looking after children and contending with COVID, then I suspect that was more due to luck than judgement. Please don't think I'm trying to insult you..... what I mean is that I'm amazed you've got through it at all, with little or no support by the sounds of it. The social worker certainly shouldn't be using that period as some sort of 'proof' you no longer need treatment (only a psychiatrist could do that) and bloody making you feel bad about returning to it. Especially by inferring you'd be letting your kids or their father down by doing so.

I do wonder if they're looking for any old excuse to free up a psychiatric place?

More generally, it infuriates me that 'men' are still so often seen as less capable of looking after their own children. Women weren't born with a manual either. And no one gives us a medal for getting on with the job. Yet men..... fathers..... parents..... who do likewise are too frequently seen as some sort of hero. I've heard it loads of times in relation to separated dads who don't disappear.... 'ooh, isn't he a good father' etc. When 'all' he's done is be a decent responsible parent just like us. Of course crap dad's should be condemned but I bristle at the plaudits so many actively involved dad's get - basically because childcare is 'wimmin's work' I guess.

If you feel up to it, complain. There's no way they should have put that on you.

@TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot - unbelievable isn't it?
@Schrodingerspeanutbuttersandw - thank you. It's fine I understood what you were saying. I have no problem them making sure the DC will be looked after but just wish I got the same level of concern!

@catsmother - it has been very, very challenging. Luckily I have had regular phone calls from my hospital which have helped. But I'm not going to lie - due to Corona I've not had the level of support I normally get on leave let alone the support my hospital want me to have when I'm discharged, add to that my anxiety increasing due to Corona - I really need to go back for my DC's sake if nothing else.

My CPN was also going along with it and I definitely think she has an agenda of trying to get away with not giving me the required treatment/support once I'm discharged.

The DC's dad is a very good parent and I have no worries about him coping or asking for support if he needs it. But honestly the amount of praise he gets at the meetings every time! I get nothing!