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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell DH that I don't want to see his friend again?

25 replies

Velvian · 17/05/2020 23:08

DH has a friend that is fairly toxic. He is manipulative, he tries to influence DH and other friends to do what he wants, just to show that he can.

I have known the friend for 17 years. He has always "negged" me, but as the years go by it has become increasingly just an overt attack on some aspect of my appearance. He makes disparaging remarks about my DS1. Both of these types of comments are often on Facebook photos(which I rarely post). The most recent was on a photo that a mutual friend posted of me. It feels like the last straw for me.

He called DH today wanting to get together and it upsets me to have this person in my life and my DCs' lives. I worry about what he will say to my DD as she gets older, he is misogynistic. He is very into gender roles that involve women being subservient to men. However, he is also a serial cocklodger, with several children that he cannot support.

I worry about telling DH that I will not see him again. It may make things awkward with (nice) mutual friends. WIBU? It seems a bit dramatic, but the excuses are wearing thin and I think it's time for me to tell the friend that I don't want to see him again.

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 17/05/2020 23:11

YANBU for not wanting this friend to be a part of your life.
Your DH has to make his own decision though - it would be unfair to give him am ultimatum.
Hopefully he will see how uneasy this friend makes you feel.

RandomMess · 17/05/2020 23:11

I would actually be more interested in why your DH wants to maintain the friendship?

MrsT1405 · 17/05/2020 23:13

I'd straight out tell your do that you do not want to see him again and why. It's up to him if he wants to see him by himself. This sort of thing annoys the hell out of me....usually excused as banter...piss off.

HannaYeah · 17/05/2020 23:14

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you telling him this guy is not welcome in your house.

Is it practical to avoid him altogether? Socially?

Have you blocked him on social media yet?

NailsNeedDoing · 17/05/2020 23:15

If it would cause a problem between you and your DH if you said you didn’t want to see him ever again, it’s worth thinking if other options first. What would the reactions be like if you called the friend out on it directly when he’s being out of order?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2020 23:17

The question you should be asking is why your husband chooses to be friends with such a complete arsehole, and why he allows this man to disparage his wife.

Shinygreenelephant · 17/05/2020 23:18

If hes made comments about you and your children on social media whats your DHs response to that? I cant imagine a scenario where my DH would maintain a friendship with someone who publically insulted me, tbh I'd fear for their life. I think if your DH isn't defending you and still wants to continue the friendship then he's the problem

Original poster
Velvian · 17/05/2020 23:18

I'm not suggesting an ultimatum. It's up to DH what he does. It does make me think a bit less of DH that he has this friend. They have been friends since school. The friend has kind of groomed DH in a way. DH was having a tough time at school, a bit of a needy loner when Mr Big Shot took him under his wing. DH has a weird sense of owing him, I think.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/05/2020 23:23

Me neither, Shinygreenelephant. DH wouldn't have put up with a friend (or anyone else) insulting me or our DC for a minute.

I can't believe your bloke is still friends with this unpleasant individual, OP.

Original poster
Velvian · 17/05/2020 23:24

It's stupid to say, but I don't know if DH has seen the comments in question. I've removed any on my posts and the latest (like all) are in the comments, which he probably hasn't looked at.

I don't want to make a thing of the comments, because I don't want to give the friend the satisfaction. He has also got under my skin a bit and I maybe haven't shown DH, as I fear they might be true.

Ds1 isn't DH's son and is an adult. (sorry that may be a drip feed?)

OP posts:
Original poster
Velvian · 17/05/2020 23:25

nerdy loner, not needy. Blush

OP posts:
M0mmyneedswine · 17/05/2020 23:31

Block him on social media and let dh see him on his own from now on

DamnYankee · 17/05/2020 23:31

WIBU to tell DH that I don't want to see his friend again?

I'll be honest. I clicked because I thought you were going to write about your DH's other "Little Friend"/"Special Purpose," etc. Blush

Not that easy, clearly.
He (has yet again) made an overt attack on some aspect of my appearance

DH sees him. You don't. No statement. Withdraw. Men don't typically want to "get into it," so chances are he won't even ask. He knows.

Original poster
Velvian · 17/05/2020 23:35

I have now blocked him, I'd unfollowed him previously.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 17/05/2020 23:36

YANBU but why you haven’t spoken to your husband about this and why how he’s not noticed is beyond me.

My husband would cut out someone who repeatedly insulted me for sport.

Mulhollandmagoo · 17/05/2020 23:37

I think it's perfectly acceptable not to spend time around this man, he's rude to you and makes nasty comments publicly about you and your children of course you don't want to be around him.

I think most people are guilty of spending time in situations they don't enjoy or make them feel uncomfortable out of forced social responsibility, so we don't make other people uncomfortable. Well, life's too short for that. I don't think you should tell your husband he can't see this man as he will likely become instantly defensive and will cause bad feeling between you and him, but definitely tell him everything and how his friend makes you feel, you might find that's enough for your husband to give this man a wide berth

LannieDuck · 17/05/2020 23:49

I would show DH the comments. Every one of them. He needs to know what sort of person he's choosing to be friends with.

FortunesFave · 17/05/2020 23:54

My DH...and any NORMAL DH would not see this man....they'd tell him to fuck off.

Why hasn't yours??

callmeadoctor · 18/05/2020 00:03

What on earth does 'negged me' mean?

CuppaZa · 18/05/2020 00:10

Gosh if this was my DH I would seriously think less of him and lose respect. He should be standing up for you and cutting him out. Your DH doesn’t owe this douchebag a thing! I’m assuming school was a while ago. His friend sounds like a bullying bellend.
I would honestly show him the comments and say ‘I’m sure you can see why I don’t want to put up with this man in my life any longer’.

JudyCoolibar · 18/05/2020 00:14

I'd be seriously concerned if my DH wanted to stay friends with a wanker like this, whatever the past history. Have you tried pointing out that his cocklodging history and failure to support his children are hardly what most people want to see in their friends?

Wendigogo · 18/05/2020 00:45

@callmeadoctor

'Negging' is a flirting 'technique' involving giving someone backhanded compliments as a way of subtley undermining their confidence so they feel like they'd be lucky to be with you.

Saracen · 18/05/2020 00:54

I don't think you need to make a statement to anyone about never seeing this person again. You say the excuses are wearing thin: let them. Keep trotting out your thin excuses and if pressed you can admit that you don't really enjoy this chap's company.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/05/2020 01:21

Life is too short to waste time with people who do not add to your life in a positive way.

Simply tell your DH that you will not be in this man's presence, nor do you want him around the children. You will not attend events where he is present nor will the children. That you don't want him in your house, but if your DH insists (it's his house too) that you will NOT assist with any 'preparations' (ie food, cleaning etc) and you will leave well before he gets there and take the children with you and will not return until he is gone. If that means booking a (nice) hotel for the night, so be it.

I certainly wouldn't hold my tongue about things he's said about you. And I'd point out every nasty thing he says about others, too. I expect you aren't the only one he's like this with. I'd also tell DH that if anyone asks me why I haven't been attending group events that I will make it very clear why.

And if your DH has other, nicer friends encourage and facilitate him seeing them without His Arseholiness around.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/05/2020 01:26

I don't put up with this nonsense. Very early in our relationship a family member stayed and insisted on making racist remarks. I warned him twice nicely then told him to shut up. I also told DH that as long as it was my home, he wasn't welcome while I was at home.

Some things are unacceptable and misogyny is one of then. Stop worrying and get angry.

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