to not have told a friend that my DD's were doing an after school club this week?

[sandyballs]

Background: I have two girls in year 2 and over the last year or so have become very friendly with the mother of one of their little friends. We meet in the hols and and have been away for the weekend with DH's, that kind of thing. We get on well, she's great.

However, I've always thought that her DD monopolises one of mine, to the point that she doesn't like her having any other friends - DD has confirmed this is a bit of a problem at school. This girl also copies everything that my DD has - same shoes at school, same tunic, same rucksack, lunch box etc, and in the hols went we met up I noticed that her mum had got her exactly the same shorts, swimsuit, sandal .

I have decided to distance myself ever so slightly, not to the point of never seeing her, but perhaps not being quite so forward in arranging play dates etc, as I want my DD to mix with other kids at school, not to spend the next 5 years with her.

So, to cut a long story short , I've enrolled my girls at French club after school tonight and didn't tell the other mum as I just knew she would do the same. She overhead me in the playground this morning talking about it with another mum and seemed very shocked and upset that I had kept it quiet, and now she is thinking of enroling her. It just drives me nuts! It's suffocating.

Message withdrawn

How bizarre! No YANBU!

This sort of behaviour would drive me mad!
YANBU.
Unfortunately the mum sounds a bit thick skinned as she has thought about enrolling her DD without considering why you haven't mentioned it.

You might need to say something about wanting your DD to meet new friends out of school.

Oh Dense! sorry!
it's an after school club

ignore me

Carry on

i think you are being unreasonable, i would have been flattered that this little girl is wishing to emulate your child. This woman is supposed to be your friend. I used to copy a friend i looked up to at school, i am sure it drove her nuts but i think it secretly massaged her ego. It could just be that your friends DD is not so outgoing and finds it harder to make friends than your dd does. It would be really sad for this little girl if she were abandoned by a close friend because her mother felt a little "suffocated". I think if i were your friend i would take the hint personally and find some new friends. Very strange.

That is a little harsh, LucyandEllensmum.

I have a similar friend Sandyballs, I love her and her lo to pieces but because they want to do everything that we do I sometimes feel that it prevents ds from making further friends.

I would just pretend that you forgot to mention it, she sounds like a sensitive soul and you don't want to offend her.

YANBU - the mother should be encouraging her daughter to think of herself. Allowing her to copy your DD can't be doing much for her DD's confidence. Sounds like the mother needs to think for herself too and support her daughter, not just copy what you have done. Your daughter and this child will probably fall out at some point (small children do it all the time) and this child will be left with nobody. It is in her best interest to try and widen her circle of friends too.

Let's hope the French club is full and she can't get her in at this late stage.

i dont think it is as harsh as deliberately trying to exclude a friends child. This attitude is bound to filter through to the children. I can just see the other little girls dropped lip when she goes home from school one day saying XYZ wouldnt play with me today - they are, what? 7 years old? OP needs to get over herself im afraid. Harsh? I dont think so, my DD1 was not popular at primary school and it hurts, oh and by the way, exclusion is considered a form of bullying you know.

sandyballs - YANBU. The other mother sounds excruciating.

I can see that side of it Lucyellen and I don't want to "abandon" her at all, I just don't want her to be permanently attached to my DD. The teacher, thankfully, is aware of it and makes them sit separately. It got to a stage last year when this girl was trampling over everyone and pushing kids out the way to sit next to DD. I don't think it is in this girl's best interest to encourage it. I think her mum should be going out of her way to invite other people round, encouraging her DD to get friendly with others, not enroling her on everything my DD does and dressing her up as a clone of her.

They chop and change between school dinners/packed lunch and I have to text if I'm changing the usual arrangement so her DD can do the same, I just think it is odd.

I do understand that little girls like to copy each other and I've probably done so in a minor way in the past but to go out of your way to recreate exactly the same wardrobe is a bit OTT.

It wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't bother DD, but it does. She comes home from school saying stopped me playing with today, she got very cross and scratched the other girl.

YANBU !!

Crossed posts, thanks for other messages.

Maybe I should check the AIBU posts to see if there's one with the title "We have been left out of French club, I can't believe it" .

Are you sure they are copying you with the clothes etc? Only IME I find that only 1 pair of shoes ever fit my kids so we didn't have any choice, and everyone tends to buy the same outfits at the same time (3 babies at our massage class were in identical Next outfits one week).

YANBU. You don't need to run by everything you or your children want to do with this woman first. Presumably the French cub was advertised for all to see, so she was able to erol her child at any time, like you did, also.

maybe you should be honest with her mother and say that you don't feel their relationship is healthy being so exclusive of others and that her dd should be encouraged to broaden her circle of friends a little. I do appreciate that your dd wants to have other friends too, it is so hard for the little ones at this age though, i had very few friends at school and so did my dd (yeah and if you read my other thread, i dont do so well know ) and used to always feel left out. I'm sorry if my post was a little blunt, im just trying to present the other side of the coin.

No problem LucyEllensmum - it is interesting to see a different perspective on it, as you have obviously been through something similar.

Hulababy - she did get a letter home about it at the beginning of term but had obviously chosen not to do it, only changing her mind when she knew my two were attending.

Evenhope - the odd matching thing could be explained like that, I do often see kids in the same stuff, but this is deliberately dressing her the same.

I had a similar situation last year with my dd's best friend. They already saw each other all day at school, had 1 playdate after school and did an activity together. I felt that I would like to broaden my dd's circle a bit. As her friend is quite shy, she depends on my dd quite a bit in social situations and I felt it would be good for dd and for their friendship in the long term if they didn't live in each other's pockets.
I signed dd up for an after school activity, and when my friend found out she said "Oh, my dd would love to do that too..." and signed her up too! In the end it was fine, as it was an activity my dd loves and there were a few other friends in the class too.
There is nothing you can do about it, and I would not speak to your friend about it.
Instead I arranged a few playdates with a few other class mates and I didn't hide it from my friend. I noticed she did the same which was ultimately good for her dd too.
Bit long! HTH

Spot on LP.

Its a difficult situation, but, I can associate with what lucyellensmum is saying. I'd be gutted if I/my DD was on the receiving end of someone trying to distance themselves from us as we are both pretty quiet types. (Although I dont think I'd go as far as dressing them the same....).

I had few friends at primary school (none until I got into juniors).

However, it is good to broaden their horizons. Surely you can do this for DD without having to consciously exclude this other girl???