I don't fit into my family

[Endlessness]

During lockdown, we have started doing big family zooms with parents, uncles, aunts and cousins. I feel it has brought up a lot of feelings for me about how I fit into the family, which is stresses me out every week.

I moved away to a different part of the country 20 years ago and they all stayed in the area where I grew up. I see them at big family events like parties, weddings, funerals (and my parents and siblings more often).

They have a jokey sense of humour, but I feel the jokes can be used to be passive aggressive. I've lost my accent, and they joke that I should repeat things in the accent I grew up with. They generally make comments that make me feel I'm not part of the group, or that seem to be criticisms, disguised as jokes.

If I also join in with the joking, they take everything I say very seriously, as if it's not a joke. Although, when they joke, it's accepted.

Most of them don't know me that well as an adult, and treat me according to the view they had of me when I was a teenager (when they last had regular contact with me). This feels strange, as it seems to be a negative view, although I've there's no reason for them to see me in a bad light whatsoever. As a teenager I was kind, polite and quiet.

I feel like not attending the meetings and getting on with my own life away from them; but they are all really close, and it feels strange to pull away further - it could affect their view of me further.

Can anyone relate?

This would be my idea of a nightmare

I don’t want to zoom chat with extended family in the slightest

Why put yourself through it?

Call and chat to those of your family you want to

Yup. I've never been more thankful than when my terrible rural internet failed in the middle of the most cringey family Zoom call a few weeks ago.

Not Zoom ( thank god my folks don't do it and OH's don't bother) but one of the reasons I no longer want to do the journey ' back home' and spend time with OH's family is the constant judgement and harping in about who he used to be

No credit us given for him being a hard working man and brilliant father. To them he is still the party animal of his younger days. It's tiresome

It's as if every way that you have changed is either ignored (and you are treated as if you are who you were when younger), or is viewed in a negative light, even if it's a positive thing.

Sounds awful. I would start by just not saying anything and see how they react to that(if they can do passive aggressive, so can you) But really, don't attend if it's not a good experience for you, if they ask you why then tell them, if they don't, well... We are all stressed at the moment, don't let them make it worse for you.

I think sometimes when someone moves on to a different town or country, the remaining family members take it as a sign that the person thinks he/she is better than them.

"Look at her! Our way of life isn't good enough for her anymore! Who does she think she is?"

They deal with it by trying to cut the person down to size, which usually involves mocking them or re-inventing them as the person the family perceives them to be. You also become treated as an outsider, and therefore not allowed to make jokes about anyone else in the family though the family will still make unpleasant jokes about you.

Nothing you can say or do will make them change their behaviour or mindset. I would take a big step back from the meetings and let them get on with it. Blame it on technical issues if you like. It will give you a bit of breathing space to decide what you want to do next.

It sounds like you were the one who got away and they've all stayed in the same local area. I've experience a bit of this, not with my immediate family but with uncles/aunts/counsins etc. They assume that I must think my life is better than theirs (I don't) so they act defensively by making jokes that are intended to take me down a peg or two and they enjoy having ''in'' jokes that they know I won't understand.

Honestly I don't actually care much about my extended family so it never bothers me but I've defintily noticied it. It's not you OP, it's them likely feeling the way I described above.

I think if you are not happy about this then maybe excuse yourself "love to ,but thats DC bedtime/need to finish some work or whatever .I had some experience of this when I was young, with a friend who felt I had "left her behind".Maybe just talk to parents and siblings on your own .I wouldnt worry about the rest TBH!

I’m the one that got away. All my siblings live within 20 doors of my parents, and two work for the same company.

Their lives are so intertwined and DH & I are by default the odd ones out.

I’m close with my parents but keep fairly low contact with my siblings - we maybe message 2-3 times a year and see them 1-2 times per year.

It’s self preservation for me. They don’t see that they are so insular and aren’t prepared to talk about other topics that are more inclusive ie any topic other than their workplace.

We’re even further away from DH’s family, and yet we are much closer to them. I think there is an element of jealousy all round in my family but it will forever remain the elephant in the room.

Some people just don't like others to be kind, polite and quiet. Even two out of three can be bad.

I moved away 25 years ago, mine remained in the backward rural backwater we grew up in. I went to University and they remained hard working but in minimum wage jobs, vastly different lifestyles inc opportunities for our dc based on income. One is extremely hostile towards me, one a bit critical and only one seems really pleased for me. I just roll with it, plus even if I family is adored who can be bothered to do zoom a lot.

I hear you and can relate so much. I left Ireland for the UK and this is home for me now. My family (apart from my sister) have never accepted it. My parents have visited me 3 times in nearly 20 years and have no interest in my life over here. I can very much relate to still being seen as a child / teenager and not a grown adult. My DP left his home town (Cornwall) for London and feels the same, like the family back home feel suspicious about him because he left.
Its entirely their problem, and motivated by fear and jealousy I reckon

You absolutely do not have to continue these Zoom calls. They sound awful, and it sounds like they are uncomfortable rather than enjoyable for you . Make an excuse for the next one, and then repeat as often as needed.

Just say no to the interent chats. It sounds horrible. Are they the kind o people who are really rude and then say 'just banter why are you upset? '

I cannot think if anything more depressing than an Internet chat with any of my siblings tbh. From the vapid spiteful half sisters to the fake aristo brother..
As for the cousins I barely know them.

Just sat you are'too busy so sorry lalala

I often feel like I don't fit in, but a lot of it is down to my anxieties rather than how I'm treated by family. I often joke that my older sister got all the good genetics, when in reality I'm only fat because of my own bad choices with food. I often feel like my mum and our extended family all prefer my sister, she is chatty, funny, friendly and confident, but again I don't have any actual proof to back this up. My mum and sister holiday together, and enjoy the same tv programmes. (For the record I adore my sister!)

What I'm saying in a clumsy way is that in my case I think it's my own perception, but the feeling is horrible and I totally sympathise

Yes, I have no relationship with my large extended family bar the odd cousin. We cannot relate to each other and I find them toxic (big bunch of boozers who like to get into arguments and fights at family gatherings.)
You can choose your friends...

I can absolutely relate. I’m the one who left the backwater town, and I get the jokey, passive aggressive remarks. At the same time, they all expect me to return to the fold. I think it’s a combination of their own regret and the belief that you can get above your station. 🙄

This sounds exactly like my DH's family. They are very insular, very involved with each other, and very apt to causing problems amongst each other if the others don't fit into what they expect of them the instant they expect it. To them, different equals bad. They're also passive aggressive in a similar way to your own description.

The comments about your accent are a chief indication of this. You've extracted yourself from the family group and lived the way you want to live, rather than the way they think you should live (doubtless at their back door with their continual, daily presence in your life).

To me, being at a distance from all this can only be a good thing.

How much have you bothered keeping in touch with them since you left, OP? You can't really expect them to know who you are now, as opposed to who you were, if you don't keep them up to date. And yes, in afraid that it is largely up to you when you're the one that left.

No, they can't read your mind or know who you are if you haven't shared those changed along the way.

We were the one that moved. I choose not to share much with my mum. Consequently she barely knows me. But that's down to me.
We visited, invited or spoke with my in-laws regularly and shared our lives, what we are doing, etc. Consequently they grew with us.

Thank you for all of the comments, it sounds as if a lot have experienced similar. It helps to know that I'm not the only one!

I think I am going to make an excuse and drop out of the family meet-ups.

There is definitely and air of 'who do you think you are?' or 'you think you're better than us'. But that would be in their heads, because I don't say anything to make them think so. In fact, if they saw our lifestyle, they would see we are not as well off as most of them anyway.

saraclara - I don't expect them to know who I am now, but I would expect them to realise that I'm not going to be the same person as an adult, as their memories of me as a child. And to remain open-minded. I do the same with regards to some of my cousins who've just reaching their mid twenties (younger than me) - I'd be wrong to make judgements about their characters, based on when I saw of them as teenagers.

Oh but families do that though don't they?
They cast people in a role very early on and there is nothing you can do to move on from it....

I don't get this sudden zoom family quiz. It sounds like my idea of hell. Cringe.

Yes, I can relate! I have a large extended family. We were all 'close' when I was a child, but since growing up, I've realised that they're very competitive and there's a lot of one up manship going on. I made the mistake of being drawn into it too as a young adult, but have since realised that these large family 'events' often bring out the worst in me or leave me feeling rubbish. I still care about them all and speak to them individually at times, but I tend to avoid most events other than weddings etc. The reduced contact works better for me.

Me too. Essentially they're all perfectly decent people but they all seem to know one another very well, which makes me feel excluded which then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I get on with them all on a one to one but really struggle in a big group. My family is full of 'big personalities' , im just not one of them and its hard work. '