Dp relationship with ds - issues

[aliceinsunderland44]

I have a ds who is approaching 10 and a fiancé who I've been with for four years. My dp and ds overall get along well but having never had kids of his own, dp can be a bit clueless sometimes on parenting. He's also deep down more interested in his own hobbies than family stuff I believe but that's never stopped him making an effort with ds and I do believe he cares a lot about him.

The problem I have is that from the start he forged this relationship with ds as a mate rather than a father figure. Not the wrong thing to do at all as ds dad is still very much around, but their relationship has always involved a lot of back and forth banter, cheekiness and annoying each other just as you'd expect from two kids!

As ds has gotten older some of the 'banter' has escalated into cheekiness and back chat. I've asked them both to tone it down as it doesn't sound great. Now we're altogether 24/7 in lockdown dp is starting to get pissed off with the way ds is with his attitude and cheekiness. Suddenly it's not acceptable. I admit ds can go over the top at times and is often pulled up on it. But dp created this dynamic with him and now he suddenly seems to expect ds to understand that actually he can't talk to him like that anymore because he's an adult 🙄

I've tried explaining that to dp but he doesn't get it and goes on the defence - 'all my fault is it then that he has no respect' and that sort of thing.

We've had a couple of really big blow ups during lockdown and I'm sick of feeling stuck in the middle like I have to mediate. My ds is overall a really lovely, well behaved lad who responds well to discipline. He doesn't speak to me in the same was as dp. I don't see how they can now undo the dynamic of the relationship and change it after 4 years. Does anyone have any advice?

@dontdisturbmenow of course I've taught him. He is totally different with me because our relationship dynamic is different. He sees me as the authoritative parent and dp as more of a mate/equal who he can speak to differently.

DP needs to step up. When he tells your son to stop and your son says “You Stop”, DP needs to say “yes I have” and leave it at that and not engage. It’s not a competition and he’s the older one so should be mature enough to laugh it off and say no more, your mums rules.

Perhaps he needs to tell ds that “Our banter shouldn’t be nasty or hurtful and if ive said things to you that was like that I am sorry. Let’s just have family friendly banter from now on. We don’t want to upset your mum by being nasty to each other either. We have to man up and know when to stop. We are in lockdown together so we need to all three of us get along. I will keep my end if this bargain. Is that a deal with you?”

If that doesn’t work and the two of them can’t sort it out then ds will need to be spoken to again by you the way you would deal with any other nasty behaviour take his iPad privileges away or something.

During which time DH must be warned within an inch of his life not to be all ‘haha you’ve got no iPad time ha ha’

He needs told that you will not have this behaviour in the house. Both must take your rules seriously. If dp cares more about his pride than he does about the love of his life (your) happiness at home then he needs to go. Your son is more important than your boyfriend.

Honestly, men are like children sometimes.

You could teach both of them that when someone says "stop it" then the banter stops, no debate. Teach then to say "ok, sure" gracefully. I think you will have to watch the debate and intervene because your dp isn't handling it well enough.

I think what others say is however correct, your dp is expecting to use power, his position as an adult over your ds to end "fun". This isn't healthy as it's a lesson your ds will take into other relationships. His sulky behaviour is also a very poor model, why can he take feedback?

Respect should be mutual and your ds should be able to end the banter when he wants..I wouldn't want a 10 year old being able to keep up with an adults banter because that isn't appropriate and if he behaves like this outside the home it will be bullying.

Btw, this will only get worse as your ds reaches secondary school so definitely worth getting this sorted now

@Elieza that's really good advice thank you

And you too @Techway

It's really difficult navigating family dynamics sometimes. Especially in lockdown when everything is amplified so much. I don't blame dp because I think he's tried to forge a relationship with him that he believes is the most appropriate - ie not stepping on ds bio dads toes. But sadly there are elements of this matey relationship that have backfired now that ds sees him as more of an equal than an adult figure. Both are at fault but I tend to have less patience with dp as he's an adult who should know better. I am really grateful for the helpful replies :)

You know I am not sure him being a step dad has anything to do with it. If you are authorative he is providing some light relief. My children have the same relationship with us ie I am authorative and my husband banters with the kids. He started the bantering to help them not take themselves too seriously/ not get over emotional if other kids say negative things and it has worked. But now as young teens they are like your son pushing boundaries. I said exactly the same thing to my hubby that you said to your partner about developing a bantery relationship with them, teaching them to stand up for themselves but not liking it when they stand up to him. I just thing this is no different from any other teenage stuff -your son will push boundaries he just needs to be told what’s the limit. And also encourage them to discuss their feelings with each other so they develop other communications styles in their relationship.

Your problem isn't the dynamic which can be rebalanced. It's your DPs refusal to discuss it.

Imo these discussions need to happen after the event. When everyone is super calm. No confrontation. Ds in bed.

I disagree with the suggestions that you discipline them both or set new rules. I think you have to push ownership to your dp. Not infantilise him.

What kind or relationship does he want with your son? Perhaps ask him this question. Obviously he cant have it both ways. Matey then turns into disciplinarian when it suits him.

Or say something like. I'm worried about the direction your relationship is taking with ds. Have you noticed? What can we change? How can we make it more positive? Of course in your own words.

Puberty is a difficult time for step parent/son relationships. Look at the many threads on here about this age group.

If your DP wont discuss and engage then you have a huge problem. Good luck. It's a hard time for everyone at the moment but dont ignore this because of the current situation.

Why are you telling your dp off. He's not a child.

Posted too soon. Let him sort it out, refuse to be in the middle.

My kids have been swearing loads-copying my DH who can’t seem to help himself but things have improved since the intro of a swearing jar for each of them. It’s for the kids and DH I just wrote a note one morning saying I was sick of their swearing & £1 would be taken out for each word I heard.
It’s really helped. Could you do a banter jar for each of them?