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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for a set portion of the inheritance?

78 replies

Maria53 · 16/05/2020 17:44

Hi everyone, about 6 months ago I posted about the fact my dad said he wanted to buy me a flat with the massive inheritance he received from his father. The overwhelming response from mumsnetters was to accept but I have felt a lot of uncertainty around it.

Just for a bit of background I wasnt close to my grandfather. He had a fairly tragic start to his life that I wont go into. I think in the end he felt bad that we never really had a relationship and gave the majority of his inheritance to my father with the understanding that I would see some of it.

Today my dad brought this up, saying 'it doesn't have to an amazing flat that you buy, but at least something simple you can do up'. What does that mean exactly? I would much prefer that he simply gives me a fixed sum of the inheritance that he thinks I should have. Then I can get on with looking without him becoming a big part of the process and possibly wanting a say in what I go for.

Do you think that seems like a fair request?

OP posts:

SlightyJaded · 16/05/2020 19:36

I don't understand the issue?

Dad: I want you to buy a flat with a portion of the inheritance.
You: Thank you. What price bracket should I look in?

zingally · 16/05/2020 19:59

I feel like you need to test the waters a bit.
Have a look on Rightmove or similar, and find a couple of flats that are are the general sort of thing you'd be after (doesn't have to be exact, just a ballpark), then send your dad the links. Just say "these are the sorts of flats I'd be interested in, they cost around £x amount, on average. Thoughts?" Then take it from there, based on his response.

In my experience, people promise all sorts of things they don't necessarily mean... After all, his words have gone from "buy you a flat" to "get something simple". To me, that reads rather like someone who has thought about and kind of changed their mind.

Personally, if you've got the money to pay a deposit and a mortgage, I'd just get on and do it. Without being beholden to your dad, who seems like he might be having second thoughts...
If he wants to contribute a lump sum to paying off a mortgage at some point in the future, then great, but I wouldn't hold your breath.

ECBC · 16/05/2020 20:13

You will need to have this conversation with your Dad, keep it straightforward. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to DF as he brought it up to begin with! Don’t overthink it.

DivGirl · 16/05/2020 20:14

Is he definitely offering to foot the cost of the flat outright or do you think he's planning on contributing a fairly decent deposit?

You need to just ask him how much he is planning to give you. You cannot look at flats without a budget.

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/05/2020 20:19

gave the majority of his inheritance to my father with the understanding that I would see some of it
Did your Dad tell you this? It's a very strange way to write a will.

Original poster

Maria53 · 16/05/2020 20:21

He is definitely not back tracking, he brought it up again today. Saying think how much you save etc.

The flat will be in my name.

I had a quick look at right move and there isnt a lot at the moment due to the pandemic no doubt. But on average the areas I like are about £100-150k. Looks like there may be some cheaper properties if I am willing to wait for a while and see what opens up.

I really need to investigate all of this properly, just not sure where to start. To those saying just dont take the offer and do it yourself, I wont be in such a position financially for a long time to come.

OP posts:

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 16/05/2020 20:23

Maybe he's saying it doesn't have to be amazing because he thinks your discomfort is coming from the amount of money? You just need to ask, say I have narrowed down the areas I've liked to live in before and would again, but could you give me a rough idea of budget so I can narrow it down properly? I wouldn't send him any details, why would you send him 100k flat and settle for that if he was happy to give you 250k but you just never discussed it?
Also as per PP this is really area dependent you can't get a studio in a high rise near here for 150, very possibly somewhere a little more than that if it's a repossession/at auction and has a crack den next door

User57327259 · 16/05/2020 20:38

I think this is a great offer. It is a good thing to help your future but I don't understand why you have all this agony over such a gift. The alternative is you save and buy for yourself when you have the amount necessary for a deposit and get a mortgage.
You could ask outright how much you could spend or show DF the flats you like and wait to see his reaction to the flats. Does he know the areas you like and the prices for those areas?
Just don't be greedy but don't be looking in bad areas. DF likely knows what is a good investment so take his advice if he knows your area.

Saz12 · 16/05/2020 20:56

The money your Dad inherited has been invested, and the value of that investment has fallen.

That’s my best guess.

Be the adult and be clear that you would like to take control of your share now, because it’s so volatile for investments now. Ask his advice on how to save it until you buy your flat (you can always ignore the advice).

Say to your Dad that you need to know what amount he is proposing to pass along to you. But really you need to tell him you want to control the money now as that way you can decide how you want to balance the risk. It’s not fair to you or him if he says you’re share is £200k but he invests it and the value changes. Likely to happen at this CV time!

Saz12 · 16/05/2020 20:59

I may have misunderstood: is it that your Dad wants to give you a flat? In which case it’s entirely up to him what gift he wants to buy for you!!!

TeacupDrama · 16/05/2020 21:21

the OP's father has the money he says he is prepared to buy her a flat, he might want to buy a 200k flat or a 150k that needs work or even just a more basic 150K flat but he might not be prepared to buy a 150k flat and give OP 50K to spend on furniture decorators, cars and holidays etc instead of a 200K flat.

it maybe the maximum budget is 200K but that doesn't necessarily mean that if OP finds what she wants for 182K that he gives her the extra 18K, he has just bought her a 182K flat which is fantastic he doesn't owe her 18K just because max budget was 200k

whatever option it is being bought a flat outright so you have no mortgage is a tremendous help and start to life even if she upsizes later
just a sensible conversation required like I'm prepared to pay upto 200k but I'm not paying extra for a flat just because it has a trendy grey kitchen or remote control sound system etc or he might be saying I'd rather you buy a flat that is not completely done so you can add value rather than someone elses expensive taste which you might want to change anyway

Mmm0th30 · 17/05/2020 00:43

Suggest if you buy a flat, ensure that you get this info BEFORE purchase

Length of time left on Leasehold

Cost to pay to freeholder per year

Or is it a freehold flat ?

Cost of communal charges per year

Surveyor report

Cost of any repairs

Cost of mortgage & bills per month

rawlikesushi · 17/05/2020 05:33

If you have expressed misgivings to your dad about the gift, and not really pushed for details over the past six months, then maybe he thinks you'd be happier with a more modest amount.

To be honest I'm amazed that you haven't, at any point, asked him how much he's thinking of spending.

I think looking before you know how much he's contributing is a bit daft. You could end up disappointed when you can't actually afford to buy what you want, or end up with something costing half what he was actually prepared to give you.

Just ask him for the budget and start doing some online research. I doubt he wants to choose it for you, but probably does expect you to ask his advice and involve him in the process a little. It could be really exciting, I don't know why you sound so grumpy about it!

PhilCornwall1 · 17/05/2020 05:47

I wouldn't accept a penny of that money. If you plough the money into a property, the chances are he will feel he has some say over it in the future, or will always bring it up in some conversation. I could just imagine the "you could never have afforded that without me...".

I saw it happen years ago. Parents allegedly "gave" money to help and were then "visiting" every five minutes because they felt they had a right to, even down to telling them how it should be decorated. None of it ended well.

Jenasaurus · 17/05/2020 06:46

Cheapest flat in my area is 260k, but we are near London so it depends where OP lives

alreadytaken · 17/05/2020 10:07

Your father probably has lost some of his inheritance to Covid-19. However he may just want you to be sensible and buy a property that you can add value to instead of one that is already flashy. That way if prices fall because of Covid you still break even.

Read the good advice a few posts up and also www.moneysavingexpert.com/mortgages/house-buying-guide/

Ignore the jealous comments about your father wanting to take control, he's just trying to ensure you are not wasting his money. It is HIS money, yours if you are sensible but not to waste.

If at any stage you felt your father was trying to take control then you have the choice of selling up and giving the money back.

HeckyPeck · 17/05/2020 10:28

To those saying just dont take the offer and do it yourself, I wont be in such a position financially for a long time to come.

Yes, ignore these posters OP.

I think your Dad probably thinks that as you’ve made no moves to take the gift for 6 months maybe a lower figure would make you feel less uncomfortable.

If I offered to buy someone a flat and they didn’t do anything for 6 months I’d think they didn’t want to have such a big gift.

Honeyroar · 17/05/2020 10:33

You’re going to have a conversation about it. Say that , although you’re truly grateful, you feel pretty awkward about taking his money, but if he really means it, roughly how much would he want to put in, so you can get your head round it and see what’s out there.

CherryPavlova · 17/05/2020 10:36

I suspect he’s worried about devaluation of investment and wants you to get on with buying something.
Six months on and you haven’t bothered searching and coming up with possibilities? Really? No wonder he’s a bit frustrated and nudging you.

“I’ve been looking dad but not really sure what budget you are thinking about?” How is that hard between families?

Gtugccbjb · 17/05/2020 10:37

Well he can’t be that tight can he because he could have just kept all the money. He clearly wants to make sure the money is not used as money but is used to busy a place to give you stability.

It sounds to me like you are the one acting strangely. If my Dad offered to buy me a flat I’d say “Wow, really!? That would be amazing! I’m so excited!”

If you send him a message with some enthusiasm in it I’m sure that he will then open up the conversation and move forward with it.

Sounds to me like you e tried to act coy in the beginning with an “oh no I couldn’t possibly accept that” attitude.

Hence why he’s come back at you with “it can just be a modest place”

Come on, stop acting like a little girl. Accept what a privilege this is and phone your Dad.

Chillichutney1 · 17/05/2020 11:13

If your dad is mean as you say, I would try and buy something quickly. The thing with mean people is the more they think about handing over money the harder it gets for them. Why is he saying you might accept some simple that you will have to spend money doing up when you could buy something decent with the sum!

Find some apartments you like the look of and show them to your dad, see what he says and take it from there. He’ll guide as to whether that was What he was thinking

ScribblingMilly · 17/05/2020 12:03

I would talk to three estate agents in the areas you're keen on, just on the phone, for advice on what's a good buy. Look at Rightmove house prices in streets in the areas you like - it shows how much they have sold for and you can see pics of properties that have sold. Your dad is sounding keener than you at the moment, to be honest. Take the initiative!

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 17/05/2020 12:37

Stop assuming things and have a grownup conversation with your father!

Oldraver · 17/05/2020 12:41

It sounds like he had made this promise and wants to be the big 'I am' without parting with too much money

You can ask him upfront what he's willing to help with

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 17/05/2020 12:49

It sounds daft to start looking seriously (as much as you can ATM) without a firm idea of the actual amount your father has in mind.

Doesn't sound unreasonable for him to specify the money is for/towards a flat - but if he says £100k, that gives you an idea of what you can afford, be that the full price or a substantial deposit - you can then think about the size of what you want, maybe two bed rather than one so that you can have a flatmate/airbnb etc.
The costs of selling and buying something else can add up, so do think about what you want for the medium term.

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