Ex wants to see his family and the children

[weeweewee]

I need some good solid advice here.

My ex moved out in January after months of us not getting on. This was my choice.

He's back at his parents. Pre-COVID, he had the children 2 days a week. I would drop them off and pick them up each day as he couldn't have them over night 🙄

Since the coronavirus, he's had the children a few hours here and there, when suits him, and has said he can't have them at his house as his mum misses her other nephew too much and it wouldn't be fair to his brother. As far as I understood, the children could go to his house because it's his residence.

He's stopped working because he's too tired and can't get any shifts 🙄 He's let me down last minute on arranged days because he needs to sleep in and then rings up when he's obviously bored to see the children - I have pushed back on this.

His brother has been taking his nephew round to their house and the nephew has stayed over. Now he's planning on seeing other family members next week - from 3 different households, but has kicked off on the phone when I pointed out that whilst that's his choice, this is completely against the rules and he's putting us at risk by seeing other people and then expecting to come here to see the children.

AIBU or not?

Anyone? 😬

Why couldn’t he have them overnight before?
How old are the children?

He can’t be bothered to work, wants to pick and choose when he sees his children then let’s them down at the last minute, while you run around doing drop off and collection. Even without breaking lockdown I’d be inclined to say no thanks.

YANBU.

I would lay this on the line.

'Ex, you are a shit father. You want to see the children when it suits you, when you can be bothered, you do absolutely NONE of the heavy lifting - no overnights, no taking them when I might need support - it's you you you. Now, you may think that you have some god-given right to do this. Newsflash: you don't. The ONLY reason that I put up with your shit, and facilitate you seeing the kids is for their sake - because shit as you are, it's in their interests to have a relationship with you.

If I start thinking that no, it's not in their interests... for example, if you start showing that you're so utterly selfish that you would risk their health just so you can have your playtime - then this will All Stop. I will stop facilitating contact because I will stop believing it's the best thing. Once that happens - you will have to pay to go to court, and you will have to get a court order, and that court will expect you to actually start parenting, with overnights and schedules and, whaddya know, actual responsibility.

You have a pretty good deal, you know. You get to play Daddy and do fuck all actual parenting. If you want that to continue, the flip side of the deal is that I DECIDE. You don't get to be fair weather daddy and start throwing your weight around. No, you're not coming to see the kids if you've been in contact with a houseful of people in contact with god knows who. If you don't like that, if you want to call some shots, then we formalise contact and you start walking the walk as well as talking the talk.'

The children are 3 and 5.

He won't have them because it apparently isn't fair to his parents, but they'll have his nephew over who's a similar age 🙄

I'm all for taking calculated risks where necessary but this does not seem necessary.

That's a great response!

Last time I told him he couldn't come over, he did anyway, and when I explained that he'd been around too many people, at the peak of the coronavirus, he threw a bag of shopping (a few items he'd bought so as to avoid doing anything with the children whilst I was working from home) infront of my neighbours, and my mum who had dropped some actual essentials off at the front gate. It was mortifying.

My worry is if I get ill, who will look after the children? He clearly wouldn't. I don't want to stop him from having contact with them at all - id be glad of a break to work in peace - but he's surely taking too many risks?

It gets worse. Clearly his children come low down the list of his priorities, after him, him, him and him.

Presumably you are bearing the entirety of the financial costs, too?

It sounds as if he is doing more harm during lockdown.

Can you tell him that in the future (post C19) you want your children to have a relationship with him but ONLY when he understands that he needs to put them first and show commitment to the relationship, which includes regular, reliable contact with proper effort, age appropriate activities and some maintenance.