To wish DH and DC had a closer relationship?

[PrettyTricky]

DC is 14. DH is her stepdad and has been in her life for 4 years. Her dad is also still very involved and they have a great relationship, I still also am on good terms with exh. DC is an only child.

Last year we moved to the other end of the country because of DH's work. My daughter loves it here and has settled really well and DH is fine with the arrangement as we were travelling home regularly until Corona. Problem is that I feel she's still not that close to my DH and I feel like it's his fault as the adult. He makes very little time for her and never goes out of his way, and sometimes I feel like he sees her as a nuisance who gets in the way of time he wants with me (he wouldn't never say that to me, or god forbid my daughter, but it's the sense I get). I feel like he resents her, but doesn't say so, and it's really getting me down. DC doesn't seem to notice it, and maybe I'm more sensitive to it as we've been in lockdown, but it's getting to me.

They get on well enough day to day on a superficial level, but he's quite hard on her at times about certain things, and he makes snide comments to me about her being online eg, 'the wifi is slow, that's her on the Xbox again" or something like "she's used all the printer ink again" (she has to print things for school). I just feel sometimes he grudges her things. And he doesn't really spend much time with her or show an interest - he never suggests doing anything with her, and it's really been highlighted in lockdown. He promises to do maths with her, but never actually does, and generally I am just a bit sad because she can't see her dad whom she misses and would normally have spent some school holidays with and has a great time with.

He's never rude or horrible to her at all, I'm just a bit sad that I don't feel like they have formed a bond in the way I'd have hoped, but maybe my expectations were too high and I need to cut him some slack.

He dated and fell in love with you, not your daughter. You can't force that relationship. He might even find it awkward to have a closer relationship with a teen girl who he doesn't really see as his daughter. It would be nice to have though so you might have to find ways to encourage it without making either of them feel awkward, such as perhaps if they could play video games together or some other activity they both enjoy.

Also this might sound weird but one way that people often bond is by having a common "enemy". Obviously this would only be light hearted but if there's an activity they both enjoy that you find less appealing, engaging in that activity and playing the "oh I hate this" role might help them see they have something in common that neither has with you? Between a grown man and teenage girl such shared activities might be in short supply... but maybe if they both like a certain genre of film that you don't like? That type of thing

You're right. I probably am expecting too much, and I don't want to force it. I guess it's hard for him not being her dad and not really knowing how to act or what his role is.

Teens are annoying. It's worse when they aren't yours.

That's a good idea, they both like sci fi films, so that might be something. I think DH is struggling to find common ground, and I'm probably focusing too much on the negative and drawing too many comparisons to the relationship she has with her dad.

You’re a package deal she’s not just to br tolerated

You're not expecting too much. In fact I'd say some of the behaviour you've described goes beyond "not having a strong bond" and well into the horrible fucker category!

The repeated snidey comments are horrid, that sort of constant low level criticism at her age will really eat into most people's self esteem. Promising things then not delivering sends the message she's not important or a priority... It would be better if he just said nothing!

Honestly I think you need to step back and look at this - he may well not be her dad, but he married you with your daughter. He shouldn't have married you and then treat your DC like crap just because he's not her dad. You've chosen him over her.

I wouldn't put up with that shit from a flat mate, nevermind a partner who (as a functional adult) knew what he was signing up to.

He's basically just a bit of a cunt isn't he?

Also, ripping her away from friends, school, her dad to move with your DH's job... That will have been very unsettling for most 13 year olds. Again it might have sent the message that she just doesn't matter, and like a pp said... she's just being "tolerated".

Awful!!

I think this is a tricky one. He’s not mean to her, or rude. And this is coming from a feeling you’re getting, not your dd being unhappy?

On the other hand, I completely understand that you wish they were close. Especially because she’s been moved from a father who loves her for the sake of a man who clearly doesn’t.

Could she go home to her dad?

I wouldn't put up with the snide comments. Whenever he said anything like that he'd get a hard stare and "So?" Or "why what's the problem? Why's it such a big deal? I don't get it" until he stopped doing it. No you can't force the relationship but no one would be bitching about my child to me for petty reasons like that. My Dad was like it and I was his actual child. It really frayed bonds between us and in the end with my Mum who always took his side.

I agree with you @MaternitySpongeBob.

@MaternitySpongeBob is absolutely on the ball with that comment. I know someone who went through this and I'll tell you now, it got worse as they got older and now that person has an incredibly broken relationship with her DM and DSD.

In short your daughter will grow to hate or dislike you for letting this happen. I'd be very surprised if she hasn't noticed his fucking shit attitude towards her already. He's talking about her like she's a uninvited guest overstaying their welcome. How the fuck do you put up with that?! You need to step up.

Mn will have this stepdad painted as an abusive narc, who wants your DC out of his life.

What a shame for your DD. You moved her away from her dad for this man who seems to just tolerate her.
He surely can’t be surprised when she uses the WiFi or ink for school can he? He sounds very begrudging.

He seems like he doesn't like her. Your sense is probably right. Now you need to think about what you will accept and do about it. And your daughter will be noticing it, I bet. She might not see a point to mentioning it, though. After all, you aren't pulling him on it.

Is it worse because your daughter hasn't had her usual visits to her dad and therefore he gets a "break"?

I think it is understandable that someone else's teen is annoying at times but you would hope that as it is not just someone else's child but his wife's child and therefore his step-daughter who moved to the other side of the country for him and is making a good life for herself, that he would make an effort.

If you could have a proper chat with him and say that you believe if he got closer to her he would enjoy her company more, do you think he would make the effort? Let him know that his attitude does not go unnoticed and that you think the dynamic is unhealthy for all of you.

I agree that it is terrible that he is making your daughter feel uncomfortable in her own home .

Why can’t she go and stay with her dad for a week or two?

DC doesn't seem to notice it

I bet she does and is planning her get away.

Come 18 she will be gone. If not sooner if her dad will have her.

You come as a package and you think you and dh are ok and everything will be perfect if only dh could not get annoyed at dd or make more of an effort.

These are the things that should be sorted before you moved in together

I have many single parent friends. A lot of them have long term relationships. Even having children by these partners.
They only ever make the move to cohabiting if all children are absolutely on board and the children and the partner really get on and have got on for at least a couple of years.
It takes the children asking that the partner move in for it to happen.

Any hesitation and it isn’t happening

If you're picking up on this and feeling that way, it's probable that your DD is also picking up on that - it can't be good for her.

DH isn't DS14's Dad. He's been around a lot longer and I honestly can't think of a time he's ever said something snide about him. They bicker at times and can both be bellends, but there's no resentment on either side building up. If there was I think we'd have to rethink things because as an adult who chose to marry you, your DH knew he would have to share his life with a teenager at some point and should be better in control of his resentment (or even work towards having none - it can't be healthy to have resentment towards a teenager - they're unreasonable and ridiculous at times but that's what you'd expect).

What do you say when he makes his snidey remarks? Do you point out that this is her home and make it abundantly clear you think it's unacceptable? Or do you weakly flutter your hands and beg him yo be kinder?

Come on OP. Step up. She's your child and you need to put her first.

Genuine question: why did you marry him if he was making snide comments to your child and you thought he saw her as a nuisance?

I wouldn't even read that much into casual comments about using printer ink or the internet connection. Do we not say (or have said, in my case) similar things about our own children? They were probably the people I've most rolled my eyes over, bickered about, and found to be a general nuisance in my life other than DH but I love them all just the same.

Of course, the "he's a terrible person, LTB" brigade are out in strong force today.

Agree with PP @JonbonMoany Genuine question: why did you marry him if he was making snide comments to your child and you thought he saw her as a nuisance?

I am a mum and say stuff like I bet X finished the printer ink.

Not keeping promises like helping with maths is pretty shit. If there's an emergency that prevents it fair enough but he should be treating a promise to her like a promise to you and only making it if he can keep it.

It is unreasonable to think that he should love her but it sounds like she makes more effort for the family unit (moving across country) than he does. Of course in his ideal world he would have met your first and you'd be childless but I'd expect my husband to do better than politely tolerate my kids.

Why did you marry him if they aren't close?

Why can't she see her Dad?

She was ten when you met and she’s at an awkward age now so I think it’s fairly normal for them not to be the best of friends. It’s different when step-fathers have been involved from a very young age but ten is fairly old to be introducing someone and expecting them to form a close relationship.