I want to move closer to home

[Somewherebythesea]

I've never posted on a forum like this before, however found this society and decided to sign up. I'll do my best to keep this to the point, so here goes.

I moved to Sussex from Cornwall 10 years ago for work purposes after finishing university. After three years, met the right girl, fell in love, got married and bought a house together. My marriage is perfect, I adore her and we are trying to start a family.

Living in Sussex has meant some major sacrifices. I rarely see my family and friends, due to the gruelling 5 hour drive I am only able to visit 2 or 3 times per year. I lost my father in 2017, the pain of losing him is equalled by the realisation that I can probably count on just two hands the number of occasions I saw him in the 7 years prior to his death. That time is gone forever and the lack of recent memories seems to sustain the grief of losing him. The whole experience has taught me that I need to be closer to friends and family and that everyday away from them feels like a day lost.

Other than the pull of being closer to friends and family, after 10 years of living in the South East I feel I can draw fair comparison to the South West. I find Sussex to be over crowded, nightmare roads/traffic and generally not as desirable as the South West. We both love the beach, but in my opinion the beaches in Sussex arent great. When compared with the cleaner waters and sandy beaches along Dorset, Devon or Cornwall - I know where I prefer to be.

My wife is born and bred Sussex, most of her family and friends all live here. We are currently a 35 min drive from her parents and best friends and she sees them once or twice a month (based on normal times before the pandemic).

I'm not asking to necessarily move back to Cornwall but would like to move closer so that we are just couple hours or so drive from both sides. I would like to move to the Jurassic coast area (East devon/West Dorset), we have both loved it when visiting. Now that I have relevant work experience, im confident I could secure the right job to make the move. My wife would also be able to secure work pretty easily. I feel a move to this area would provide the improved lifestyle for my wife and I without dragging her away from her family to the same extent that I'm currently away from mine. A couple of hours or so drive back to Sussex once or twice a month for weekend visits wouldn't be too big a deal and wouldn't really detrimentally affect the frequency of the time my wife sees her loved ones, especially if the visit us too. However, such convenience would allow me to jump in the car for just couple of hours each month and see my family and friends a lot more. I feel living here would also serve as a gateway to Cornwall where we can spend more time in summer - I can't think of many better places to be in summer.

As I said, we are trying to start a family. Therefore I'm willing to stay in Sussex for another 6 or 7 years in order to give us stable ground to become parents. However I really would like to move away once our child/children become older as I feel they will have a better up bringing and lifestyle where I seek. I look back fondly on my childhood in Cornwall and now fully appreciate now how lucky I was to grow up there, I would like to offer the same to my children.

I am 34 now and I often feel I'm living my so called "best years" not entirely happy. By the time I would like us to move I will be 40 - young enough to enjoy outdoor pursuits such as surfing which the South West will offer. By then I will have spent 16 years in Sussex and feel that I would have done my fair share of being too far away from my friends and family. My biggest fear is that my children will see my side of the family as the distant and forgotten half.

I have discussed this matter with my wife previously but nothing was ever really agreed or planned. I feel I need a confirmed plan in order to properly move forward, what if we have children and she never wants to move? I won't want to be away from my wife and kids but will feel trapped. I hope this forum can provide me it's impartial views. Am I being unreasonable in what I seek? Is it unfair to make my wife move away from her family in these circumstances? I appreciate a move away from her loved ones will bring her some sadness, but I need to be happy too so that I can be the best for her and our future family. Can anyone suggest a better plan forward?

Thank you for reading, I would love to hear your views. Stay safe.

I think you really need to thrash this out before having children at all.

There s a big differences between 35 minutes and two hours when you need babysitter or emergency child care or regular support. Both of you still lose out being in the middle. You will both need to start afresh making new local friends and support. If she doesnt /wont move near your family then stay where you are. You can Make new friends in sussex.

Or decide to split now and you go back and start over.

I'm sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. I have lived far away from family and I know how hard it is. But if you move halfway then it's the worst of both worlds and yes, it is unfair on your wife. You met her in Sussex, she is from Sussex, why would she want to move?

And maybe seek some bereavement counselling to talk about your sad loss regrets and so on..and help you decide what is important to you.

Lot s of people live some way from family. It s fine. You organize your visits.

If its living in Cornwall that s most important to you you may have to choose between your wife aNd cornwall
Living in the middle helps no one day to day once you have kids. Two hours is a trek.

But see a therapist talk it thru one on one

YANBU to want to move, and it sounds like you are ready to work out a reasonable compromise rather than asking your wife to move to where you'd really like to be.

My thinking is, that if you are planning on moving away to a different part of the country though, it will be FAR easier to do it before you have dc.
Once your dc are at school (and Brownies or Cubs or dance or swimming or whatever they do), it will be a MUCH bigger decision to move, than when it is just the 2 of you.

Just a bit of a warning, there are a lot of posters on here who - on principle - will start from the assumption the man is always wrong, so take those answers on the chin.

I agree with pp who have said being in the middle of both sets of parents really won't help in the long run. You seem like a planner OP so here are some points to consider. If you have DC now and move later you will need to be in new area the October (I think) before they start school so you can apply for a reception place along with everyone else. Potentially that means moving with a child who may have just turned 3. You'll need a new preschool too so that's another thing to look into and organise. Looking for a house may take some considerable time so you could be dragging a 2/3 year old around with you plus maybe even a pregnant with 2nd DC wife to house hunt at least 2 hours drive away from where you currently live, weekend after weekend. That really would not be much fun. It will be harder to remove DC from being close to DWs family. The friends your DW makes when you have children will be really important to her and possibly a lifeline that she may not want to sacrifice. Planning so far ahead may not actually be helpful to your own mental state. You and your DW could be on completely different pages on this topic and she could well be thinking you will forget all about your plans once kids come along. Talking to someone now about how you are feeling is probably a good idea - sounds like you feel guilty for moving away but trying to right that after the event may well not bring you the rewards you hope for. I'm sorry this is so hard on you - I moved abroad with a 4 and a 6 year old so I know how difficult it is to be away from family, the difference being we are away from them all. How is your DW coping currently not seeing her family? - could be quite a good indicator of how things might be if you moved away.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and respond. I take value from all the comments and considerations. What I am certain about though is that ending my marriage is absolutely not an option. To do so would be counter productive to my happiness and really would be unfair on my wife. The choice between moving and my wife is an easy one; her everytime.

The principle intention of my post is to understand if its reasonable to ask her to make a measure of sacrifice in order for me to re-gain a large part of my life without losing a disproportionate amount of hers.

I agree with the concerns that many of you have raised regarding being marooned between both sets of families if we were to move half way. It's an issue I don't take lightly and it would be the main disadvantage of such a move. However, I have a friend that lives in the North; he, his wife and child live a long way from both families and they make it work, although I appreciate it can't always be easy. I'm sure we would be able to make new friends and networks with other parents in order to obtain baby sitters and understand others use professional sitters. We're a solid team and confident we can deal with a lot.

Good point raised regarding how we're both coping under the pandemic. My wife seems to be doing fine, albeit we have thankfully been able to briefly see her family. I have no idea when I can see mine. It's not lost on me that if we were living further away then maybe we wouldn't see her family as easily. However, who could have ever predicted this to happen?

Ultimately this is a topic I will need to discuss again with my wife. I know she is open to the idea to some extent. She has said one day we will move and also likes the East Devon area. However "one day" doesn't really give me much to work with.

You won’t move in six or seven years time, your children will have started in school, made friends, put down roots, your wife’s parents will be older obviously and she won’t want to move away from them.

You can’t possibly decide now that you are going to move in six or seven years time to a new area. It won’t happen.

The grass isn't greener in Cornwall Devon Dorset etc
You ve lived in Sussex for 7 years and have no friends there?
Book some sessions with a counsellor or life coach. Work out what you want. Being close to one set of wider family is nice. Of course you ve ended up further from yours. Such is life. Being away from both sides has to be something you both want. What do you gain in Dorset? Both starting afresh?
What is most important?