To think that infidelity is more common than most people think

[Megpegg]

I am sure this has been done to death on here but I am genuinely interested in people’s opinions.

I have recently gone through the experience of infidelity first hand and it was such a painful experience. I have to say it has caused me to reflect on my life and I have come to the realisation that nearly every man who I know (and a lot of women) have been unfaithful to their partners in some context, and that’s just the ones i know about.

My father was a ladies man. He had a roving eye and my mum shared his infidelity with me when I was older. He was also a good dad and he and my mum were together until she passed a few years ago - they spend 50 years together in total and he was her carer for the last 5. There’s no way anyone in the world could convince me he didn’t love her despite his infidelity.

My brother and his wife are divorced, albeit very amicably, after his infidelity. He had an affair and eventually ended his marriage after falling in love with someone else.

My first boyfriend when I was a teenager kissed other girls a few times! We were together from 14-19 and he was my first love.

My best friend, a lovely woman and devoted mother of three was unfaithful to her long term boyfriend once or twice when under the influence of too much to drink. This is not the man she went on the marry for context but they were in a serious relationship.

My other friends boyfriend slept with someone else at least once. I don’t see then anymore but last I heard they were happily settled down with 2 children.

My two good friends who were in a relationship together for 5 years and lived together recently broke up as one of them was commiting infidelity. They are a gay couple who actually included other men in their sex life but not without each other’s knowledge so once this happened it was very hurtful to the other party who ended things.

And then my husband who who has recently had an emotional and physical affair.

These people have nothing in common - apart from knowing me - they come from different backgrounds completely. And that is only the people I know about. I have been having counselling with relate and am actually a trainee psychotherapist myself so am both personally and professionally interested in this area.

What are people’s thoughts? Of course I am aware these are all different levels of infidelity.

How many people do you know, OP? Probably hundreds. And you've mentioned about ten.

I think your own experiences might be colouring your perception. TBH, I think most people have a fairly accurate view of infidelity - no one thinks it's rare, do they?

These people have nothing in common - apart from knowing me that is something in common. Your childhood role models condoned this, you and your brother both lived it out and you accepted or possibly even sought friendships with people doing the same.
It’s not my experience at all. I would go as far as to say there are far more happy monogamous relationships than people realise.

Confirmation bias too. You're looking for people who've been unfaithful. If you find one who hasn't, your mind skips over them and only focuses on those who meet your hypothesis, which is that most people are unfaithful. Of course they're not, but it is very common. As everyone knows

This thread runs the danger of attracting people in the same position as you, OP (although it's comforting to see that the first two responses are challenging your assertion).

But if everyone agrees, it's just going to convince you that you're right when in reality it will be an incredibly biased sample of experiences.

I genuinely have no bias. I am interested in people’s opinions on this. My childhood role model neither condoned it nor not, I wasn’t aware of it when I was growing up. I do know other people of course, and there are some more examples of infidelity there too, work colleagues and university cohorts. I have other friends where as far as I am aware their relationships have NOT been effected by infidelity. But the majority have.

It’s very, very common OP.

I think very few of us could say we have a squeaky clean record and the people who protest the most about having not cheated are probably the ones with the most to hide, as per "the script". But ultimately we have to put it aside and focus on our marriages and the vows we made before God.

I agree with you OP. Especially these days- it is so, so easy with social media, everyone is always available and it's absolutely normal now to have lots of private conversations going on with lots of people. 20 years ago, we would never have exchanged private correspondence the way we do with fb messaging etc now.

The one person who has actually cheated on me (afaik) is the one I would have sworn would never ever do it. I would have been one of the ones posting on threads saying he was not the type. We were really really happy, but the screen of his phone offered such a variety of women. Everyone was so shocked. Now, when I see people saying on here that their DP never would... Well. You never know.

Good point about having me in common. I meant nothing in common in terms of backgrounds, but that is a valid point.

No one I know has been unfaithful, my dad, my brothers, my friends. Or no one has told me!
I haven't been.
I know it's common though.

the people who protest the most about having not cheated are probably the ones with the most to hide
On an anonymous forum?

I think the stats are that the majority of people have cheated at some point, not necessarily with their current or every relationship though

I'm not aware of any infidelity in my family, dh's family or my friends. No divorces either. A couple of cases among dh's university friends. However, I've worked at places where there was plenty among colleagues.

Tbh I can't imagine being arsed to have an affair even if the temptation or opportunity presented themselves, and I suspect most of my female friends would feel the same.

Relationships are difficult especially in the long term they go through ups and downs. So you get those people who will always look to cheat whenever they can, but also people who happen to be on the right or wrong place at the wrong time In their lives. We are animals at the end of the day we aren’t a slave to our desires but they are ever present and hard to resist at times right? Our societal structures Have been put in place for stability, but I do think they do run against the grain of what we are. I am married and have never been unfaithful - I’ve been attracted to other people numerous times. It’s not a superior stance to say look at how in control I am. It’s that I am in love with my wife and value her enough to not cheat.