Family

[Hopelessa]

Okay not sure if people I know are on here but the details are.

Mother had a injury last year that was life or death- she's been okay since ie a few seizures. Deffo isn't the same person she was as expected but is very quick to tempers, annoyed etc. Can often blame the illness for her tempers but quite often, she's been caught using it as an excuse to be rude and quite awful. No one dares telling her off though.

Father is a bit of a pushover at times. He's always been one for shouting. When mother has one of her moods, he'll blame it on her illness as well even though we'll all see it's not that.

Recently, due to covid I've come back to the uk. I don't live there full-time but with the virus, I came back. Been here since late January and am staying with them.

Parents are in a strange relationship with brother. They love to call him names but then act super sweet on the phone. I'll obviously call brother to see how he is and to talk other stuff like games or tv etc

Mother always accuses me of telling brother stuff. She'll literally mouth 'big gob' or 'shiteface' at me if I'm calling him out on something or we start talking about some 'forbidden topic'. To clarify, I've never said anything to my brother that they've said not to talk about.

Last night, was talking to brother. We were joking about something father had done. I hang up and then Mother starts on the big gob stuff, yelling at me etc. I've had months of this now - I've been dealing with her, potential job loss and loss of housing in the country I work so it's built up, so I stick up for myself and deny that I told him about something.
Father supports me on that. She gets ready to storm off for a tantrum again (second one that day). I turn around and clearly ask why she's blaming me once again for something I haven't done. Cue the tears - I'm sorry, I'm emotional at times, and I walk away.
I'm then chased around the house by her. If she has a tantrum we leave her be. But she ignores my request for space so I hide in my room and she forces her way in. I completely ignore her and she smacks me in the face, turns 180 behaviour and starts hissing at me calling me more names like bastard etc.

Father does nothing about this. Just shouts for us all to calm down and come downstairs.

Later that night he tries to mediate but neither of us say anything. He goes for a walk and mother goes upstairs. When he comes back, he completely ignores me like it's my fault.

Flash to today where no one is speaking to each other. She's not eaten anything yet and my father has checked in on her 10 times so far but completely ignores me.

I know this sounds like I'm completely selfish and I get that people will say I've been childish but am I unreasonable for thinking that this is unacceptable and that they need more help for her?

I've even been trying to find information on places to stay as it feels like I'm the problem but with covid, it's hard to find a hotel or anything.

I hope you manage to find somewhere because you need to get away from them asap.

Also, you do realise that they will be doing the same to you as they do to your brother. The reason they try to control what you say is most probably because you'd quickly figure it out if the two of you compared notes.

Yes your mother needs psychiatric help urgently. Was the life or death injury, a head injury? You mentioned seizures as well. These kinds of brain injuries (even just seizures by themselves) can cause complete personality changes, emotion dysregulation, depression and even paranoia and/or psychosis.

You are not the problem so much as a catalyst for her illness. Your father is obviously not coping very well either.

Your father should contact her GP and whatever consultants (neurology?) she has and let them know she is having psychiatric after effects and ask for referral for a psychological assessment. These are textbook & very common after head injuries/seizures.

Can you go stay with your brother temporarily? Your dad has his hands full with your mum and you are going through a stressful time yourself.

She's got a therapist but with covid it's become a phone call every two weeks from a blocked number: not sure if I could even speak to father about setting an emergency appointment.

Have thought about staying with brother but I don't want to bring him into this mess. Plus I don't really have an income due to the virus: I work abroad so my pay is much smaller and I need to pay rent and save for a flight when available.

I admit I haven't even told friends the truth about being home. I do try to limit being home two months max as it does get like this. I know due to covid, she has to stay in more since she's part of the highly vulnerable group and I sympathise that staying in isn't ideal but she genuinely will take her anger out on me the most.

Just the other night father was making food. Told me to sit and talk with her, I tried to make conversation but she ignored me completely.

A lot of the time I'll be speaking and she'll talk over me like I wasn't there. If I do the same, ie give an input one something, she tells me how rude I am.

Honestly, I’d talk to your brother about staying with him because even though your mum is only semi-responsible due to her brain injury, that doesn’t mean you have to suffer such treatment daily. Your brother is family so he’s already in the mess so to speak.

Sorry you have no income at present but perhaps you’d qualify for some benefits?

Since she has a therapist, I’d think I’d mention to your dad to ask they be made weekly and done as a video chat until face to face resumes. A phone call every other week is not helping he or him. Your dad may also need a carers assessment too.