AIBU to be narked about this?

[Munkey]

I'm trying myself in knots over something and need mumsnet to tell me to get over myself or wake up to the red flag.

Background, boyfriend of 3 years, aweome guy, will do anything for anyone, devoted to his family, funny, chilled, romantic and I know adores me, we don't live together, I have tweens from previous. Eight months ago big breech of trust. After feeling fed up with how paranoid I was feeling by the way he was suspicious in his use of phone. I checked it (I know) and found flirty messages throughout our relationship (about 8-10 in total so not too often but still) fishing for innapropriate banter with an ex, we almost split up over it. I've never really managed to move on and am still suspicious. He's more extroverted and gregarious than me with a wide network of friends, male and female, calls half a dozen different people a day for chats (he's on the road a lot) and has a stack of what's app groups. A few months ago a new girl became part of one of his friendship groups and has gradually become a closer friend. My psychometer has been gradually ramping up. When we were on the sofa together he was in a chat I saw a message between them where she was 'hi handsome' and he replied ' hi beautiful' and I combusted. He says it's just banter. I feel it's humiliating and demeans our relationship. Have I been living in a bubble and these terms or endearment can be platonic and innocent? or am I right to feel like I'm being played for a fool? They must have developed a flirtatious relationship which I'm struggling to see as anything but disloyal. I've never previously had issues with jealousy but I've never been with someone as gregarious before so it's not really been an issue. Am I being a numpty and need to get over myself or is he taking the Mick? Help!

[monkeymonkey2010]

That's TWICE now - that you know of - he's choosing to involve himself in flirty chat with other girls.
He's so full of himself, makes out he's such a good guy 'helping' everyone....but underneath he's just a slimeball.

Stop falling for his charm and his fake 'awesome' exterior.
He's using his 'nice guy' persona to get close n personal with other girls.
He's probably getting up to more behind your back - his friends are hardly going to tell you.

[Colom]

Some people just love having lots of attention - even when in a committed relationship. Your BF sounds like one of them. Some partners may not mind but personally I would find it annoying. What's important is how you feel about it and you're not happy, you've told him so and he didn't stop... do with that information what you will.

My husband had a female friend before we met and after we met he started working for her dad. They text each other quite a bit. I didn't like it. I'm not usually a jealous person so I don't know why I felt insecure about it as he had plenty of female friends and that was never an issue. I couldn't shake the feeling so I had a peek at his phone (I know!) and while his messages were friendly her's were a little more "flattering". You should trust your intuition OP. I never said I saw the messages but I reckon he knew. I told him I found it inappropriate that he was texting another woman so much and he put a stop to the constant contact and kept a distance. He probably thought I was overreacting but he knew I was unhappy about it and he listened to my concerns - as should your BF.

[Watermelontea]

If you’ve said you don’t like it, and he’s said he won’t stop, then I think that’s enough to answer the question of if you should stay with him or not.

You don’t have to settle for a lifetime of trust issues.
Every time someone starts a post with how wonderful their OH is I have to admit I always think that the giant ‘but’ at the end proves they’re really not.

[Lennon80]

He’s a player - get rid ASAP - life time of that won’t be fun especially with kids hanging off you and he’s free to pursue extra marital sex which he clearly will be. He’ll be shagging behind your back without a doubt!

[Ohtherewearethen]

I know this sounds a bit cringe but a friend of mine said it to me once and I've always remembered it. 'A good man doesn't make you feel jealous, he makes other women jealous of you', as in, the way he treats you/talks about you to others/shows respect, etc. It doesn't sound like he does this, to be honest. He's certainly disrespecting and disregarding your feelings. I think the only way forward is to talk to him about it, you can't carry on in a permanent state of anxiously not knowing if you can trust him. Sorry, I hope it all works out