To get stuff off my chest at work review?

[8feet12paws2fins]

Hi everyone.
I have a review coming up this week and despite being 30 and having worked since 15, I’ve never had a work review believe it or not.
Manager says it’s a chance to see how I’m doing and a chance for me to ask any questions or put anything forward to them that I may want to speak about.
I’ve been a bit unhappy in my job lately (have been there for 6 months and all was fine at first!) and a lot of it is through working situations and the way management deal with stuff/treat you.
They know at work that I’m an honest person and will speak my mind and stick up for myself (not in a rude way) but I just don’t know if a review is an appropriate place for me to get it all off my chest?
I know I sound stupid and I’ve been told to put stuff forward at the meeting if I need to BUT I’ve built up so much in my head that I want to unload and I just don’t know whether I should keep quiet and have a stiff upper lip about it all.
Dp says he’s been in a job he often dislikes for years, as are many people and he just gets on with it as it’s ‘part of life’.
One of my sore points is that we never get a thank you for anything! Again Dp says ‘this is the real world, bosses don’t thank their employees all the time! They need to show power and have the upper hand’. I think however that you can still have a professional relationship and there be a clear line about boundaries but a bloody thank you once in a while wouldn’t go a miss!
I don’t remember the correct saying but something along the lines of ‘you will attract more flies with honey than vinegar’?!
Anyway, I’m rambling! I’m no good at paragraphs or writing eloquently, so I apologise if this is hard to read.
In conclusion do I be completely honest at my review and get it all off my chest or just use the opportunity as them giving me feedback and I bite my tongue?
Thanks all

A review is a two way process. If you can see areas where you've been impacted on attaining your aims then that is the time to say. But make it constructive

Massive sympathy for your mental health breakdown, OP, I experienced similar recently and work was a big issue for me.

This jumps out though:

I always feel I have to just say what I want to say to get it out there and deal with the consequences, rather than keep it bottled up at the expense of my own mental health.

Unfortunately at work, we aren't always going to get a lot of thanks. That is to some extent what our pay packet is for.

Have you undergone any treatment or therapy to help you manage this issue?
I ask this because if your way of dealing with less than perfect circumstances is by saying what exactly is on your mind and worrying later about whether it was appropriate for the situation, then dealing with any consequences, I fear that this won't be helping you as you will then fear what those consequences might be.So you might not be helping yourself.

CBT or similar might be helpful in seeing situations and handling them differently, I.e. in this case through the lens of a workplace where the culture isn't perfectbut it isn't personal.

You can then deal with building resilience in yourself to work within that or decide 'this is not for me' and move on. Yes, we can try and orchestrate some changes but I'm not sure looking for thanks for completing work you are paid to do is a battle worth fighting, especially where your mental health is fragile. I'd say better to find a way around this in yourself.

My initial point still stands about asking for more constructive feedback though.

A performance review is to discuss your performance and, where appropriate, what can be implemented to support further improved performance. It is not the time to complain about a manager who is clearly not very pleasant.

However, as it's a new company/business/team etc, it may be that you suggest that 360 reviews take place at some point as you'd be interested in not just your manager's opinion but also other colleagues' in order to continue building an effective team/organisation. (although again, not entirely sure your performance appraisal is where to mention it).

Also, you have one manager who doesn't say thank you but it seems to me that as an organisation they do have mechanics in place to show appreciation - you won the valued employee award or whatever, you've been told you're valuable etc. I honestly think that getting worked up about one person not saying thank you is a bit over the top.

A review is about your work, not for you to download. If you feel you need to download you need to set up a separate meeting.

I appreciate that you don't want to out yourself, but I have no idea where you work or what you do from your posts, so not being told thank you enough and not getting on with 1 manager seems pretty minor to me.

You're going to meet all kinds of personalities at work. Some you like, some you don't. There'll be people who don't like you either. It's just the way it goes. Some people might find you ridiculous for needing a thank you all the time and feel that they have to tiptoe around you. The gossip around 1 manager sounds horrible. How do you know if you aren't contributing to that managers poor mental health? If I were you I wouldn't join in with the moaning at work. The best thing you could do is get on with your work professionally and if there are any issues, request a meeting with your manager to discuss some feasible solutions.

I think phrase it carefully. So when they ask how do you think you're doing maybe say that you're not entirely sure, you dont really get a lot of feedback so you're not sure what you're doing well or not well.

YABU. A review is not for you to offload. If they ask how things can be improved you could perhaps politely word any small issues there.

However, it sounds like you’re expecting to be thanked for everything. That’s what you get paid for, doing your job. They clearly like you as you’ve already won an award, so that’s a thanks in an of itself.

You also shouldn’t just be speaking your mind at every opportunity. You don’t “need” to say everything you think and you shouldn’t be doing so.

I agree with others to tread carefully & phrase as positive suggestions.

I had a manager which did often say thanks but tbh its low effort way to try keep someone sweet. She wasn't actually appreciative as was regularly dumping extra work on me so she didn't have to do it, then irritated that my normal work was effected. Asking me to just do xyz which took longer than would be just do it herself & constantly interrupted my work flow.

Oh you sound quite difficult to me!

If you mention not being thanked you’ll seem immature and petulant, IMO.

I’m sorry about your breakdown. And sincerely well done for getting back on your feet.

But this lesson you’ve taken from it of “say whatever you want and deal with the consequences” can be pretty dangerous. Especially in a professional environment.

I don’t know what the employment laws are where you are but here, you’re not really protected much until after six months. So if for example you went in demanding thanks for doing your job, and they decided you were difficult or more hassle than you’re worth, they could just sack you and that’d be that.

I don’t know what the employment laws are where you are but here, you’re not really protected much until after six months.

In the UK you can be sacked for any reason if you’ve been employed for under 2 years, so OP is in a very precarious position.

There should be no surprises in review meetings.
Think of it as managing yourself. What are you doing well? What not so well and why? What resources/input do you need to improve.
Avoid negatives "I don't like this". Say what you do want.

Gosh no. Spend the time before the review preparing what you are going to say about how your performance is against their expectations.
Take notes if you need to remind yourself how well you learned the systems, procedures and so on. You can mention if you want that you thought you were quick to learn because they had a good training system in place, but don't go into loads of detail about how slow you were because they were crap at training/preparing you.

Use this as a chance to show how good you are, how you are an asset to the company and so on.

You can ask for more regular feedback, more regular performance reviews etc - and you can ask them, if they have issues with your performance, if they can have someone mentor you, or if they have suggestions about where you can improve.

Depending on how well they see you, you could bring up that you liked it when x manager thanked you for going above and beyond.

But basically, you're there to do a job and get paid for it. Thanks are nice but not necessary.

I really feel like I’ve not portrayed myself well here. I’m not some gobshite who spouts off at every opportunity. I’m not rude, I’m not ungrateful and I’m not a nasty person in the slightest, quite the opposite. I don’t go around slagging people off or complaining because I know how tiresome that can be to have someone that bitches and moans all of the time. I think I manage my expectations quite well and I’m able to say ‘ok, I don’t like this but I can do this to help’ or ‘I don’t really like this but it’s not the end of the world’. I will only say something if it really really bothers me to keep it bottled up. If I spoke my mind every single time, I would have just gone to the review and been a petty Betty about not being thanked.
This is also not just about not being thanked which seems to have been focussed on.
That is just one minor thing and it’s likely that I’ve built that up in my head to be way more drastic than it is due to focussing on negatives at the moment. Like I say though, it’s not all about that.
I obviously know I have issues with certain things which are triggers for me.
I know people get called from a pig to a dog on here for drip feeding and leaving details out but I really don’t want to expose myself with anything else which in my opinion could be obviously if another employee was on here.
To the PP who asked if I have tried CBT - yes I have, twice (multiple times but 2 separate occasions!) Once was slightly helpful for breathing techniques but that was about it, the second time was much more helpful but it is counselling that I need the most and I am now on a waiting list for it after my second break down (the one I had last year) and seeing a decent psychologist).
I really am not a twat and I’m sorry I’ve come across as one.

I think I manage my expectations quite well and I’m able to say ‘ok, I don’t like this but I can do this to help’ or ‘I don’t really like this but it’s not the end of the world’. I will only say something if it really really bothers me to keep it bottled up. If I spoke my mind every single time, I would have just gone to the review and been a petty Betty about not being thanked.

This is exactly what I thought you meant. I didn’t think you were a bitch/moaner/gobshite and whatever else you’ve crammed into your first paragraph.

You still shouldn’t be saying that. If you are asked to do something, you don’t need to say you don’t like it or don’t agree with it; that’s rude, disrespectful and irrelevant. You just do it.

I don’t think anyone has said or even implied that you’re a twat.

You seem to think people are jumping to conclusions but from what I see, everyone is advising you on exactly what you’ve written. And it’s still not a good idea to offload, no matter how politely.

If you have real grievances then they need to be raised at some point, I’m sure.

You were the one who gave the non-thanks as an example. We can only advise based on what you’ve posted.

OP, the reason you’re getting these responses is because not being thanked and not liking one particular manager are the only examples you’ve come up with of the things that are bothering you. So of course people are responding on that basis.

If you could give a clearer outline of the issues you’d like to raise in the review, it would be easier for people to advise you whether to do so or not.

You still shouldn’t be saying that. If you are asked to do something, you don’t need to say you don’t like it or don’t agree with it; that’s rude, disrespectful and irrelevant. You just do it.

I don’t know where I said that I wouldn’t do something that I was asked or that I would respond to something I was asked to do if I didn’t like it or agree with it. In a work place setting, if I’m asked to do something, I get on with it! Regardless of whether I enjoy it or not, if it’s not putting me or anyone else in danger then I would do it. It’s a job and you do as you’re told. In general day to day life though, I have the right and the power to say no, to absolutely anything I like, if it makes me feel uncomfortable, unsafe or I just don’t like it or don’t agree to it. It’s choice and free will. Again though, I don’t know where I ever expressed that I wouldn’t do something I was asked and would respond with my thoughts?

Nobody's saying you come across as a twat or a gobshite or any of those things. The point about thanks is what has been addressed when PPs have advised you because that is the example you gave.

OP, I really am not a twat and I’m sorry I’ve come across as one.
I don't think that's the case.

What everyone is saying, though, is that an appraisal or performance review isn't the platform for saying any of the other stuff.

They wont change. You can tell them if it will make you feel better but i suspect you will have to really deal with the consequences later. Id quietly look for another job or just leave on good terms.

I’m astonished you need someone to say ‘Thankyou’.
In over 30 years of work I think I’ve heard Thanks once possibly twice and I’ve had loads of jobs/employers in that time

@Heatherjayne1972
I don’t NEED someone to say thank you. I just think it’s nice to OCCASIONALLY be thanked for doing a good job. In other jobs I’ve had ‘thanks for today’ or ‘thanks for doing that, I really appreciate it’ or something along those lines. Has been said occasionally and it is nice and boosts morale in my opinion. I don’t expect to be constantly thanked, just acknowledged now and again. The fact that you’ve only been thanked once or twice in 30 years is shocking I think. If I was an employer I would want to thank my staff so maybe my vision is skewed by the fact I’m a considerate and caring person and not everyone is.

OP I think there are a number of separate solutions to this situation. I'm HR and this is what I would advise if you were an employee who came to me:

1. Performance review - not the place to bring up surprises (by anyone in the meeting!) Stick to how you feel you've performed, what has gone particularly well, and anything you feel would help you do your job better. If you have ideas for improvement, or for your objectives for the next six months, note those down and take them in with you.

1. Solutions for "getting things out" - you could look into other ways to avoid bottling up your feelings, while you're on the waiting list for counselling. This could be a journal, a trusted friend (not connected to work) who would be happy to listen to you offload in a scheduled phone call, it could be writing things down and then having a little bonfire of the paper notes, it could be drawing your feelings, it could be going on a long walk to think things through...there are so many options. The point is to consciously release those worries/feelings in a safe way, to try and avoid them coming out unexpectedly.

1. Separate work meeting - after you've tried some of the things above, if you spot a particular pattern of something that bothers you at work and you think it's important enough to raise, then request a separate meeting with your manager. Go into it with an attitude of "this has been bothering me and I'd really like to be part of the solution, but I'm aware there may be other aspects I've not considered. Could we work on it together?"

Thank you @MutteringDarkly for your constructive answer.
I came on here to genuinely ask if it was the correct place to offload as I’ve never ever had a review before and I honestly didn’t know what they were for or how they worked. I didn’t come on to be told I’m ‘difficult’ or sound petty or NEED to be thanked. I came for advice about whether a review is an appropriate place, not a mumsnet review on my character (which have all been wrong anyway)
So once again, thank you. You have helped me in a positive way!

The review is to look at your performance, how you can do things better and what you need to improve. I use to ensure that I found something to compliment, gave suggestions for improvement, then finished with a positive note for the future.
There was a small amount of time to get feedback from the person having the review. So I would pick just one thing you would like changed and go with that, you are more likely to influence them than if you spiel off a list - it will come across as less of a whinge.

When you frame the thing you want, frame it positively eg. “Just to let you know, I react really well to praise such as a thanks. I’m sure lots of people do as well, but it really motivates me. As you manage me, I thought you ought to know.” You never know they might start thanking you.

Thank you @Witchlight
Would it be appropriate at the end bit for if I’m asked for any comments; To mention that I think due to the covid restrictions making our job take longer, it feels a little unfair to ask us to complete it in the same time frame as before?