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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Opinions please

29 replies

Stonewalls1 · 13/05/2020 20:09

Is this acceptable behaviour in a marriage. One spouse chooses as and when they respond to conversations? Apparently if they have nothing of interest to add (from their perspective) then they don't need to respond or engage in the conversation?

OP posts:
EezyOozy · 13/05/2020 20:10

As in you chat away and they say nothing ? That's not on.

heartsonacake · 13/05/2020 20:11

Surely if this was a big issue or at the very least an irritant the couple wouldn’t have got to marriage in the first place? Confused

FirstTimeMum54321 · 13/05/2020 20:12

it's not great communication, but I'd say perfectly normal in a marriage. My husband drives me nuts with his selective deafness and only responding when I've asked him something at least twice. I now tell him I'm not repeating myself and if he can't answer me after one ask he can go without, i.e. would you like a cup of tea (very minor example).

TorkTorkBam · 13/05/2020 20:14

What, so one person talks AT another person who is pointedly showing they are not interested. Sounds like open passive aggressive warfare to me.

Original poster
Stonewalls1 · 13/05/2020 20:16

Sorry for not been very clear. As in one person says something to start a conversation, other person looks at them waits for them to finish and then starts watching TV or playing with their phone. This has only started happening after becoming married.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stonewalls1 · 13/05/2020 20:17

So they have definately heard just choosing not to respond as they don't have anything 'worth adding' apparently.

OP posts:
FirstTimeMum54321 · 13/05/2020 20:21

Yes sounds like my OH. You'll be told its abuse on this mad forum, it's not, it's normal married life for some.

Bloomburger · 13/05/2020 20:22

It's rudeness not normal at all.

FirstTimeMum54321 · 13/05/2020 20:24

I didn't say it wasn't rude, but it is normal.

ViciousJackdaw · 13/05/2020 20:25

I often feel as if I have nothing worth adding though. Not everyone enjoys idle chatter and quite frankly, I'm finding my DH's jabbering rather irritating atm although I'm sure that's because of lockdown (and I'm sure I piss him off too).

I don't need telling that the government are a load of shit, I already know and I couldn't care less that her over the road has been planting bulbs outside all afternoon.

BackseatCookers · 13/05/2020 20:26

It might be normal to rude people. That doesn't make it any less rude.

opticaldelusion · 13/05/2020 20:26

Sounds hurtful. It's awful to not be acknowledged.

CloudyVanilla · 13/05/2020 20:29

My DP engages with me droning on about stuff he doesn't care about because he wants to be nice, bit sometimes we both zone out these days, because we have 3 tiny kids and can get distracted easily or just burnt out from listening! I do the same to him though, listen to his interests and all that. Most of the time we have mutually really enjoyable conversations about all sorts but that is because we have similar interests.

I wouldn't call it the end of the world but I wouldn't be passive aggressive about it, I would just communicate and say outright I'd like some more 2 way conversation. We've been together 7 years and still talk as though we are dating but I wouldn't say it's abusive or horrible if someone is like that as a personality trait.

If it wasn't like that and then became like that I'd be more upset.

ohlookthisisjustdaftnow · 13/05/2020 20:32

Plain rude if you ask me.

TorkTorkBam · 13/05/2020 20:32

Ask a question at the end of whatever you said. Then he will know what kind of response is required. If he still blanks you then he's trying to start a fight.

It is not much of a conversation starter if you say "I thought about buying more spoons today but then I decided against it."

Now you have more chance if you add on, "Have you been annoyed too by our lack of teaspoons?"

TypingError · 13/05/2020 20:54

My husband jabbers away about shit. Like "that bloke on the telly looks like Malcolm Smith". Malcolm Smith is apparently someone he knew when he was a kid. I have no idea who he is talking about. So yes, I ignore him. It's fucking irritating. I'd never say to him that a woman on telly reminds me of Susan bloggs from year 9. He didn't know her. Why would I even bother to voice it?
He does and it irritates me. I don't because I know it's probably not interesting to him.
However, a good marriage is when you recognise your own faults and forgive others minor faults. My take has to be from my pov. When I want to be quiet, I want to be quiet. Conversations occur naturally. You can't manufacture them or 'start them off'. Is your husband a generally quiet chap? Does he have a demanding job?

NaturalCleaningParticles · 13/05/2020 21:05

Rude & hurtful, sounds like it's being done to make the speaker feel small & not worth conversing with.

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 13/05/2020 21:09

Read that as , “onions please”. Can you imagine cooking without onions Shock

Hilda40 · 13/05/2020 21:12

Yes dear

Mummyshark2018 · 13/05/2020 21:17

Depends. My dh talks about random stuff that doesn't require a response necessarily. Same way as I'll half talk to myself and him and some of it doesn't require a response. If you want a response ask a question. If he doesn't respond he's rude.

billy1966 · 13/05/2020 21:18

Rude.
Wouldn't be impressed.

OscarWildesCat · 13/05/2020 21:19

No it's not, its exceptionally rude and dare I say, a bit controlling.

Adrianneannanne · 13/05/2020 21:28

*My husband jabbers away about shit. Like "that bloke on the telly looks like Malcolm Smith". Malcolm Smith is apparently someone he knew when he was a kid. I have no idea who he is talking about. So yes, I ignore him. It's fucking irritating
*
😂

LouiseTrees · 13/05/2020 21:56

Ask him a question . Then it’s not him adding into a conversation that he doesn’t think he has any business being in, it’s you telling him he needs to be in that conversation.

vanillandhoney · 13/05/2020 22:16

Depends what you're talking about - not everything requires a response.

DH will say to me "I saw bob smith this morning and he's rebuilding his shed" - I won't know who Bob is, nor do I have any interest in what he's doing to his shed. So, yes, in those circumstances I ignore him.

When he asks why I'm not saying anything, I tell him to stop blithering Wink