to ask if there are any lone parents out there who can advise me?

[ShambalaHambala]

My sons dad has been deemed a safety risk and has been given 0 direct contact with my 18 month old son. I'm feeling all kinds of feelings. Relief. Guilt. Sadness. Scared his dad will pop up when he's older and try to poison him against me. Tell him lies. I know it's a long way away but I need reassurance from people who have been there. The "he's not old enough for you to be worrying about this yet" just doesn't help. Any lone parents who can help reassure me that I can give my son a normal life? Finding it hard to think clearly. It's hard knowing his dad is a perpetrator of domestic abuse.

Firstly, well done for getting this far and for keeping your child safe so many perpetrators still get awarded contact so I can only imagine what he must have done to not be given any.

Secondly, I'm in a similar position. My child is 3 and her father is a perpetrator. He hasn't had contact in roughly a year and has been told by the police if he contacts me he'll be arrested (again). He can take me to court for contact but so far nothing and I doubt he will.

I've decided I'm going to cross that bridge when I come to it. She isn't old enough to remember him and doesn't ever ask about having a daddy.

I'm sure those questions will come eventually and I'll answer them honestly, in an age appropriate way.

If they ever do have contact he can say what he likes. I have the police reports and the newspaper article detailing his conviction for what he did so I think he'd find it hard to argue.

My best advice is try to move on. It's definitely easier said than done and it's always lurking in the background but the abuse is over now. You and your son are a family. Focus on that.

You absolutely can give him a normal life.

Different as I wasn't the parent, but I was taken by my grandparents when I was 7 because of the level of abuse and neglect my parents levelled against my siblings and I. I'm the youngest and even though my entire first 7 years was shit my grandparents were able to give me a normal like. I now have a family of my own, I have happy memories of my childhood beyond 7 and that's all down to my GPs.

When questions arise, which they will, just answer them in an age appropriate way. You'll be his safety and his security as he grows. There will be times when he tests that by pushing boundaries, but when he does remember that kids only test boundaries when they are confident they are there.

Hi OP. My DC were older and had been through quite a lot by the time social services stopped their dad having contact. So they do remember him and the pain he caused. But it’s been 3 years since they’ve seen him now and they are so well settled. They are back to being happy boys. They don’t mention him at all. Neither of them want to see him. They have my dad, and both are in hobbies with Male leaders that give them a sort of role model.

I would say to you, have a good support network around you. Single parenting is hard and even more so when there is no other parent at all to give you a break. If you have good family and friends don’t be afraid to ask them for help. Even to babysit so you can have a long bath or a lie in.

As your son grows make sure he has positive Male role models around him. Sometimes there are programmes for boys who don’t have a father around. You can ask social services when he is older what is available if you think he needs it.

Another point, you’re entitled to move on and have new relationships. Just be careful not to rush things and involve your son in these relationships too soon. The right man will still be the right man in 6/10/14 months and will want you to prioritise your son.

Hi OP,

I am in a similar position to you. My DS is 16 months old and his father physically abused him and me by the time he was 7 months old. Since then I've been DS's only parent. The hardest part is by far never getting a break but I also worry.

My DS's dad is asking about contact and I feel sick at the idea that a judge could say that even though my ex hurt DS, DS still has to see him because they are biologically related. Imagine saying that to an adult, of course you wouldn't want to see someone who hurt you, and I hate that my ex can potentially do that. I'm saying no to contact but he'll probably take me to court.

I plan to be child appropriate but honest with DS as he grows up, and never ever want to hand my DS off to my ex who hurt DS. It keeps me up at night. So I completely get it.

Oh and Social Services have been useless and basically said that my ex has a right to see his son and I can't stop it. So that really helped.

Sorry I just wanted to say, you're not alone feeling like this.

Well done for getting rid of someone who would have blighted your son's childhood.

You are doing well. You will do well, you've given your son the best start by protecting him from harm.

herbsandhags.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-joy-of-single-motherhood-and-why.html

There are books you can use from a young age to normalise what has happened so your little one slowly gets information, rather getting a ‘surprise’ in a few years. Kit kitten and the topsy turvy feelings is quite good for when he’s a little older.