to be devastated?

[theart]

Long time lurker and first time poster. Posting here as nobody to go to for advice in real life.

I recently broke up with my long term boyfriend of three years, we are both 25, late last year I suffered a miscarriage, and ex-bf was not very supportive (didnt want a baby etc, wasn't overly bothered, despite openly trying) and ultimately it drove a wedge and we broke up three months ago.

I am in a friendship group with three others from university. We are very close, days out, regular catchups etc. All three of them have announced they are pregnant in the last two months and on our latest zoom calls, all they spoke about was how great their partners are, and how they are excited for their babies. I am delighted for all of them, and although I'm trying to remain positive, I just feel so devastated.

I know I am only 25, but since the break up, I've had to move back home with my parents, I'm single again and I can't help but feel worried that I'll never meet anyone/have a baby of my own. I've been crying most nights, and despite being no contact with my ex, who is an awful person, I've even felt tempted to reach out.

I guess my question is how do I support my friends, without feeling devastated about my own current situation? I've considered distancing myself from them but think it would make matters harder.

Thanks for listening to be mumble! :)

Blimey you still very young as are all tour mates getting pregnant. Enjoy your life as it is now. You have alot of time ahead

*your mates

No advice or suggestions just best wishes

Dont distance yourself. They're your friends and you need each other. Esp now. Support them and indulge them. But also, in a separate conversation, tell them how low you feel and that you're still so upset re the miscarriage. Emphasise that you're delighted for them but it's hard for you. Their reaction will tell you a lot.
Please also remember that you do become very self absorbed when pregnant, so try not to take some comments personally.
Also. You're 25. You have at least 15 years to have a baby. Thats a long time.
Hell, i split from a long term boyfriend, and was engaged to a new bloke within 6 months. Married a year later, still married with two sons (20 years later)

Oh bless you OP, that’s so hard.

I think you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Do what you think is best to protect your mental health. Do they know about your miscarriage? If not perhaps you could tell them privately and just say you’re going to take a step back as I can imagine the Zoom calls will be very pregnancy dominated.

On a more pragmatic note being pregnant during a pandemic is certainly not ideal. Yes I know your hormones will be surging all over the place but realistically wouldn’t it be nicer for you to meet someone kind and loving in the future and be pregnant at a time where it can genuinely be celebrated? I think I’d concentrate on that. You have another 10 years of peak fertility to find someone. Get on the dating sites and have some virtual dates. That might make you feel a bit better!

You're only 25, that's so young, you have easily 15-20 years to complete your family.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but yoube had a lucky escape from that man. He would have absolutely ruined your life and mental health and that of any children - with his irresponsibility and ambivalence.

Dont ever take him back. Do the Freedom Project. Learn about red flags and the dynamics of abuse. Find someone deserving. 💐

Be honest with them about how you feel. They are your friends and will understand that it's hard for you. You are obviously genuinely pleased for them and they will know that. They may not realise how hard it is after a loss to see other people pregnant, but I'm sure if they are good friends they will be more considerate and supportive of you once they know how you feel.

You are so young. I had the most fun time of my life between 25 and having dc1 at 30. Met DH at 27. Just relax and enjoy your time without responsibilities. I have friends who had their first child in their early 40s - who are all really happy.

To me it sounds like a great time to really get to know yourself and make a plan for the next few years. Do you want/have a career? Do you want to do a Masters degree? You don’t have to follow in the footsteps of your friends. Our 20s are the perfect time for building a solid foundation for the rest of our lives. Best wishes!

I am sorry OP.... this is a really shit time for you. And I am so sorry for the loss of your pregnancy.

It is totally understandable that you are feeling miserable and struggling to be happy for your friends. I am sure they understand this, and if they don't then stuff them.

Please, please don't reach out to your ex. If you are clear he is not a good person (and sounds like you are right), then this would swap short term unhappiness for long term....

You want of course to be happy and meet someone right for you and to have a child. Getting tangled back up with someone who is not right would simply take you further from that goal, delay you and cause you more pain.

You do still have plenty of time and I do believe that life could get better very quickly if you do the right things..... take care of yourself, give yourself a break, mourn your losses, then when you are ready- get up and get out there as the best form of yourself.

With your friends, if they are good and close, I hope you can share your feelings and you can find the right amount to be involved. I don't think you are under any obligations.... you can wish them the best without wanting to be part of endless baby talk...?

Sending hugs.

Keep your friends but you need to widen your friendship circle. Their lives are drastically going to change and they are not going to want to go out etc.

Agree with all the great advice so far. Would also add that this is a good opportunity to change your focus. Rather than have your mind ticking over your friend's lives and relationships, maybe use this time to build up your career. Take this time staying at your parents as an opportunity to save hard and buy some property.

It's really, really, really hard to feel happy for others when you're so unhappy yourself. Part of life is experiencing the heartache of failed relationships and the end of everything that comes with that. In other words, how you're feeling is normal, despite how intolerable it is. If you can hang onto the absolute certain truth that time is indeed an ally and time will deliver peace, you can get through this. It will be up and down. You are greif-stricken. This is a bereavement. It is a death. You have to swim those waves and go through it. There is no other choice. But most of all you must have faith. And your faith (to quote a wonderful rabbi) has to be that there is another side to all that you're going through now. Because there is another side to all of this pain. You just have to get there when you get there.
I look back at my biggest break-up; the end of my first marriage which coincided with the death of my father and my favourite uncle, and I was sure I would die from the grief of it all. How do you find happiness when everything seems hopeless and everyone around you seems to be sliding down rainbows? It's a very lonely place you're in. I remember my friend inviting me over (she'd been recently married and babies were on the Life Menu) and she said, "We're going to plant tomatoes in my garden and not talk about your ex or what you're going through. We will garden in silence." Well, as helpful as she was trying to be it was terrible for me. I needed to talk and cry. I couldn't cope with all of her ducks being lined up. She and her husband bickered over his burning the garlic one night when I came around for dinner. I was envious! I wanted to bicker with a lover over burnt garlic. I wanted that silly intimacy.
I am rambling.
I would not cut your friends out at all. But distance is healthy. When times get tough, I tell my friends, "I'm going into my cave for a while. I will emerge! But I need to reflect a bit." Friends accept and understand this. It is ok to be open about your struggles and to tell them, "It's not you. I just need some quiet time. I'm struggling."
OP, life is not linear. Life doesn't stop. One ending is a new beginning. You are starting a new phase. This is a pit stop, this grief, this moving back in with mum and dad (I've been there!). This is a beginning, albeit a wobbly one. It will get better. You will see. Just build yourself up and be gentle with yourself. Let the grief roll through you and you'll come out the other side of this whole again.

Oh and don't reach out to your ex. Don't look back. You'll pour salt on the wound. You've dodged a bullet. You live to fight another day... and find love with someone who counts!

Yes! Darling you HAVE dodged a bullet. You go and have a brilliant life rather than scrubbing dried weetabix off the high chair.

You've lost so much in one fell swoop - your ex, your hoped for baby and the whole of the future that you had mentally planned. Cut yourself some slack, you are allowed to be sad! And yes, it feels worse when everyone else seems to be getting the future you thought you wanted.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are so so young yet. Plenty of time to start again, and this time you will be starting with a lot more knowledge and self-knowledge than last time. You will be a better and more rounded person. Life WILL get better. Honestly.

Don't go near that horrible ex OP.

This is a hard time for you but if you focus on your self esteem and career, life will get better.

Your friends are very young having their children IMO.
You have loads of time to have great life experiences before you have children.

The stronger your self esteem, the greater your boundaries are, the better the chance of you forming a good healthy relationship in the future.

Your friends lives are going to change.
Keep them as friends but definitely start working on expanding your friendship group.

Life becomes very small when you have children initially, it's all about the baby.

Expanding your friendship group will be very healthy for you.

You are very young and need to work on becoming a stronger person and you will be ready to meet someone who deserves you.

Of course YANBU OP! You'd have to be made of stone to not find this situation devastating. It IS shit that your ex was so unsupportive, it's shit that you had a miscarriage and you find yourself single in a pandemic, back living with your DPs when your best friends are all coupled up, pregnant and happy. So take a deep breath and give yourself permission to feel the way you feel. It's okay and it's normal.

But you WILL meet someone else, you ARE still really young and you have plenty of time both to meet someone who is good and kind and decent and to have the family you want. In fact, you've dodged a bullet by NOT being pregnant with someone who would be such a shit partner and who you'd be tied to forever if you had a DC with him. So while you're upset (understandably so), bear in mind that your life will be much happier and less complicated in the future when you DO meet Mr Right because you aren't pregnant right now with your crappy ex. This particular cloud has a silver lining, so hold that thought

I'm sorry OP, you're in a really hard situation.

25 is really young to be having a baby these days. When I was 25 I wasn't even with my husband yet, and we were together for quite a few years before we moved in together, let alone got married or started trying for a baby.

In terms of meeting someone and having kids, you have so much time before you. Really, you don't need to worry about that.

But it is totally understandable that you feel the way you do about all your friends getting pregnant and being in good relationships, because it's just a painful reminder of the things you want and don't have.

Try to be as supportive as possible and keep up a good relationship with your friends. This doesn't have to come between you even if they are all at a certain stage of life that you're not at yet. But I think it might also be a good time to find a new hobby or activity (once lockdown is over) and meet some new people. You might meet some new friends who aren't having babies just yet, or even a new partner.

Yes as other's have said you are still very young. Have you got any other friends that are not at this point in life yet? Friends you can zoom chat with about making plans for post lock down holidays, nights out and exciting adventures with? I'm not saying abandon your other friends but it may be time to support them from afar whilst nurturing new interests and friendships.

I guess my question is how do I support my friends, without feeling devastated about my own current situation?

Be honest. Tell them you're delighted for them but explain how hard your situation is, their reaction will tell you whether to distance yourself or not.

I think because getting pregnant has such an element of chance it does feel worse than losing a job or a relationship.
Maybe the miscarriage was a fault in his genes, you’ll never know. But he’s clearly not right for you at this time.
You have 10 years before you even need to start listening for the clock. Enjoy life, work on getting money and career. so you feel secure about future children. Support your friends.
There’s no way of predicting the future so you may as well expect that it will all turn out well.

The thing that leaps out to me is that your ex is an awful person so although your loss is still very painful, thank god you're not tied to him for the rest of your life by co-parenting a child that he'd invariably have been a crappy dad to. You are free to take time, recalibrate and go on all kinds of adventures in the next few years, which may or may not involve new partners and getting pregnant, but it's always better if the aim is to you with yourself as other factors are so far out of our control. So don't rush into anything, take time to heal and develop and see what's next. I broke up with the wrong guy at around the same age as you, after a similar length of relationship and I was devastated, but I also knew that it was him who was lacking and after a six month stint of wound-licking (in a bedsit, which was much less nice than being at a parents' house), I emerged and got a better job, and soon ended up with the lovely guy I went onto marry. Take your time, take care of yourself, and I second the advice to cast your net wider than the uni group. Stay friends and be nice and supportive if you can, but you're going to be having way more fun and will need people in the same zone to enjoy yourself with. To be honest, there'll be more 25yos like you than like them I'd have thought.

I'm sorry for your loss .

It sounds as though you're better off without the boyfriend. Perhaps you could use this time to focus on your career, and build up your savings while you are back home with your parents, then you can be in the best possible position if you should meet someone new and be able to start a family.

Op be very kind to yourself, miscarriage mucks about with your hormones and emotions, (I felt worse from between 3 and 6 months after and irationally hated all pregnant women I saw, even though it was an unplanned baby)
You are so young, give yourself a break, you have so much time and so many opportunities open to you, and life experience, before you need to even consider having babies.
You are probably feeling much worse because of lockdown, my adult Dc's who live with us are incredibly bored and miserable, and they cannot imagine what the immediate future holds..
Don't compare yourself to your friends, easy to do, but not very wise.
12 months from now your lives will be very different and they could be envying you, your full nights sleep, great social life, and fabulous life.

I completely understand how you feel, but at the same time, I agree with those who have said you're still young. I split from my fiance at 24 after 5 years together and met someone new at 25, I married him at 29 and was pregnant at 33. We're still happily married, but didn't have another baby because I had serious complications having my daughter and she was born very prematurely. We'd still have had time to though, had we decided to take the risk