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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn’t normal?

73 replies

CakeItOrLeave · 13/05/2020 09:02

Okay so background, my partner and I were together for just over 4 years. Throughout this time there were various issues mainly down to my trust issues and him also being secretive. I had seen on his instagram account he was following a stripper, some ex’s, liking videos of females literally shaking their arses (twerking) and also in skimpy pj’s. This obviously descended into an argument, I forgave him and we compromised meaning he deleted the people that offended me.

Years later, he develops a crazy eye infection- his eyes were literally bleeding at times. We thought this was really random, but I didn’t question it because he works with the public so thought he caught it from them. Beforehand I had found a card in his pocket detailing a sexual health clinics number and a note saying that the patient should call back. I went to his work to confront him (which was probably wrong) and he denied everything, saying I could call them and it wouldn’t be for him it would be for his friend. He said if I call I can never question him on anything EVER again... So i left it.

The eye infection then comes and goes over the course of a month of so. He messages me saying we need to have a serious talk, so we go for a drive and a talk. He then says that he lied and the appointment was for him. When leaving work to get in his car he stepped on something, didn’t think anything of it but it was attached to his shoe, he peeled it off or whatever and it turned out to be a used condom. He didn’t wash his hands, eventually touched his face and it turns out he got 2 STD’s from this. I was heartbroken understandably because he lied and gaslighted me- i still forgave him.

A few weeks ago, I was looking on google history (yes I was snooping) and I saw that he had used dating sites POF, tinder etc. I confronted him and showed the evidence- he logged out of the google thing and said it was due to adds coming up, he wasn’t actually using the app.

Everything eventually built up and i have left and moved back to my parents’ house. He says that (previous issues aside) If we are breaking up because a computer said that he has used dating sites then good riddance... I don’t know why, but i feel so stupid for essentially “believing” a computer and destroying any plans we had for the future. I guess my AIBU is whether this is normal, whether I have made the right choice or not?

OP posts:

SpanishFly · 13/05/2020 09:24

I wouldn't even believe the part where someone would peel anything a used condom off his shoe and didnt immediately wash their hands

Hooleywhipper · 13/05/2020 09:25

Such early days for you OP but maybe you can use this time to think about what you need. Easy for me to say as I’m not going through it but he doesn’t treat you as you deserve to be treated it seems.

SpanishFly · 13/05/2020 09:28

Lie after lie after lie. Then gaslighting you. Could you ever be totally happy with him when youre lied to then given half-truths to explain the lies?

zscaler · 13/05/2020 09:32

He has lied to you over and over again, including about the condom. He has clearly never been faithful and never will be again. You have done absolutely the right thing. Time will heal you and you will realise how much better off you are without this unfaithful scumbag.

MizMoonshine · 13/05/2020 09:32

Yesterday I accidentally clicked on a link (on Mumsnet) that took me to eHarmony. I've never used the site. I told my partner about it, in the evening after he had been working. Explained that if he sees it in my history it's because of that. He then told me he's recently had an email from them (I get spammy dating site emails all the time).
I told him just incase we were looking at something on my phone/he was using it, and it came up it might raise an eyebrow.
However, that wouldn't appear in my search history, because I didn't search it. I just accidentally clicked a link. For something to be in your search history, you have to actively look for it.

Also to get two different STI's from a used condom, while not impossible, would be very unfortunate and unusual. Points to him for creativity.

The dude is a lying trash bag and you're better off rid of him. He's lied to you, endangered your health and generally been an utter prick. Count your blessings and move forward.

Happy20 · 13/05/2020 09:33

Did you honestly believe the condom on the shoe story or was it just a case sticking your fingers in your ears and making yourself believe his story?

If the first then I worry for your judgement!

I'm sorry he is such a shit, you deserve better .

Sexnotgender · 13/05/2020 09:39

He’s a lying, gaslighting sleaze. You’re worth so much more than that. I know it’s difficult but you’re so much better off without him.

Coffeecak3 · 13/05/2020 09:55

You have not destroyed any joint plans for the future.
You have given yourself a potentially much better, happier future without lies and the risk of catching sti’s from a sleaze.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 13/05/2020 10:03

I think firstly he is a lying ass and you are very much best off rid of him. What does he bring to your life?

Also step back and look at things. Look at what he has created in you? You must live in a knife edge constantly. I'm honestly not having a go, but how exhausting must it be to be constantly having to check his emails and who he is following. He has created a situation where you are constantly on alert and checking, having to control who he follows etc. That's not love , that's reducing you to have to police his behaviour.....constantly , making you worried and anxious. You deserve better than that?

Do you want to live at its basic, being suspicious or anxious everytime he is inline or receives a text, waiting for a moment to check his emails ? You deserve so so much better .

Delbelleber · 13/05/2020 10:08

Cheating lying scumbag.

RandomSelection · 13/05/2020 10:09

He caught not one, but TWO STI's from a used condom that he accidentally stepped on... Oh my, that's the worst best excuse I ever heard.

He's a lying, cheating scumbag with no respect for you, don't give him anymore thought apart from one last fleeting "Bloody hell, lucky escape!"

theclangersbigplan · 13/05/2020 10:09

One day you will see this for what it is: a lifeline and an opportunity for that new life that you deserve, without the headfuck of being with an untrustworthy partner.
Obviously a bullshit story, but also, are people with multiple STIs likely to be practising safe sex?

wonderrotunda · 13/05/2020 10:12

If you trod on that would you not
A) remove it by treading on with the other foot
B) wash your hands, not touch your face
C) be so grossed out that you mentioned it when you got home
And then deny it and only mention it when you’d had time to make up a story.
He put your health at serious risk.
You may miss him. Miss his smell. Miss having someone around. But you can’t be open to new adventures if you’re looking behind you. Maybe use this time to focus on you. Think about what You want. Make a plan to find it.

Booboostwo · 13/05/2020 10:12

I literally have fuck all without him

But you have two STDs with him, so you are still better off without him.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 13/05/2020 10:14

@MizMoonshine

I also clicked that banner by accident, didn't think to tell my husband, firstly because he wouldn't be checking my internet history and secondly because he isn't jealous and controlling.... Your post is very concerning.

OP you know that's not how he caught those STIs , you can always move back to the city without him, after lockdown.

Original poster

CakeItOrLeave · 13/05/2020 10:19

@Shinyletsbebadguys he blocked me off instagram, then made a new secret one. So I was no longer able to check. He guarded his phone too... He was so controlling I wasn’t allowed to have my hair in certain styles, I painted my toe nails red and he called me a whore for a few days afterwards- that was fun. Life was a mess with him I suppose but it’s just scary having no one there for me any more and having to start life from scratch

OP posts:

LockdownMayhem · 13/05/2020 10:32

How old are you OP? I'll bet you're still plenty young enough to start over and have a good life.

Your choices are settle for what you know, which is making you unhappy, and have that for the rest of your life, or make a clean break and start over.

It might take a few months, even years but think how much happier you could be. It really really will be worth it in the end. Please don't settle for the guy who happily gave you STDs and has lied to your face so many times.

JKScot4 · 13/05/2020 10:32

Your update just makes it worse, you do not want this guy back, ever!
He was never ‘there’ for you, better alone than being called a whore and given STIs.

Ingridla · 13/05/2020 10:38

I've heard some bullshit in my time but this takes the biscuit. You are very well rid of this gaslighting arsehole. You need to believe in yourself and trust your instincts, I hope you find peace and if you want another relationship in time you find a decent, trustworthy person who doesn't cheat and lie to you.

MizMoonshine · 13/05/2020 11:00

@DontStandSoCloseToMe

It's not that he would be actively checking my search history. I often throw my phone to him to find things, occasionally in my history that I haven't bookmarked.
It might never be seen, but on the offchance it was, I got ahead of it. I'd certainly question a random appearance from a dating site.

FlowerArranger · 13/05/2020 11:01

I literally have fuck all without him.

You have YOURSELF !!!

Why would you make your entire life dependent on anyone else? Let alone a lying, cheating, good for nothing tosser like your ex-boyfriend?

Seriously, where is your self-esteem? Nathaniel Barden's book would be a good read for you, as well as WWLTM by Robin Norwood. Life is so much easier and more enjoyable if you grow a back bone.

“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

Hooleywhipper · 13/05/2020 13:32

Your last post OP says it all, thank god you’ve got rid.

Firsttimedogowner · 13/05/2020 13:36

If you have nothing without him then learn from it.

Build up a life of your own. Friends, hobbies, job. Spend time with family. Don’t ever let your life depend solely on a man again. Work on your self esteem so you don’t accept such low standards in a relationship again.

If you have no children then thank your lucky stars for escaping from this waste of space!!!

Sn0tnose · 13/05/2020 13:39

I literally have fuck all without him

With him you have stds, lies, pain and heartache, control, abusive name calling, manipulation, emotional abuse, etc. With him you literally have fuck all worth having. Is this what you would want for your daughter? Your sister? Your best friend? Aren’t you worth more than this?

Warsawa31 · 13/05/2020 13:50

“I literally have fuck all without him“

No you don’t! You have self respect, time to reflect on your future, the opportunity to start over again and decide the path you want to take. Someone who tells you lies like this doesn’t respect you in the slightest - delete him block him forget him. If you do that you will look back in a few years time and be grateful, if you don’t you will spend more of your precious time being a doormat for a man who Knowingly infected you with dangerous diseases

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