To feel guilty re my first born?

[skilliganmcgilligan]

Hi everyone,

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 12 weeks ago. He's my second child, my first is my now 4 yo DD.

Everything is as great as can be given the current times we find ourselves in except that I'm overwhelmed with guilt towards my DD. I keep comparing these first months with my DS to those with her when she was a baby and I can't help but feel I didn't give her as good a start in life. I love her deeply and we have a wonderful relationship but I just remember finding everything so much harder with her when she was a newborn. Looking back I wonder if had a touch of PND as all I remember is crying a lot, stressing out about every tiny thing to the point of an anxiety attack and just wanting breaks from her all the time. Sometimes I couldn't pass her over to someone else quick enough. She was of course a much loved and wanted baby but I remember mourning my old life in those first months with her so much. I had FOMO as I was quite young (24) and I resented the immense change she brought to my life. I even left her at 5 weeks old with my parents to go have a boozy night out down the pub with my friends. I feel so ashamed at that. The thought of it makes me cringe! I cannot imagine leaving my DS like that at all. And so young!!! I feel he needs his mummy by his side for as long as possible and I am so much more deeply committed to him - there's nowhere else I want to be more than with him. I just can't shake the feeling that I failed my DD by not feeling this way about her when she was that young. It makes me want to cry.

I also feel guilty that I am EBF my DS and loving it whereas I only lasted 3 weeks BF my DD before giving up and switching to formula because I was in so much pain. Everything has just been easier, and much more pleasant this time. I know you learn as you go with motherhood but I can't help but wish I could just turn back time and do better by my DD.

I should say that DD is now a loving, happy 4yo who gets so much love and attention from us as she rightfully should. She is turning out to be a wonderful big sister and I'm so proud of her. There is no other reason for me to feel concerned about her - it's just this guilt in my head coming from these comparisons that I can't help drawing between the only two newborn experiences I have.

AIBU to feel this way?

Hoping you can all give me a friendly reality check.

Thanks for reading. Sorry if it's rambling but I can't sleep and needed to get it off my chest,

Guilt doesn't change anything, it just poisons the present. Let it go

Oh lovely. Your DD won't remember those early days, and you didnt do anything 'wrong' anyway.
I left DS1 when he was 4 weeks old so I could get drunk at a friends 18th. Sometimes I think I probabaly 'shouldn't' have done that. But it hasn't done him any harm!

Hes 15 now and people always comment on how lovely and close we are.
The baby days can be so so hard.

Massive unmumsnetty (and socially distanced) hugs.

Did you do your best?

Well then. What else is there?

Be kind to yourself, you did your best. It's all we can do.

I was exactly the same when I had my second. I loved my oldest so much but everything was so difficult. I identify with everything you've said - especially wanting someone else to hold him.

But second time around things seemed so natural. First one I breast fed for 3 weeks, second one 3 years. First one I would do anything to avoid having to dress him, sort the pram, take him out, second one I couldn't wait to take her everywhere.

As well as feeling guilty that I had somehow I let him down by finding him hard work I also felt a certain pity I suppose for myself that I had missed out on enjoying being his mum like I did with his sister. They are adults now and I love to be in their company and it makes no difference at all that I made most of my mistakes as his mum! He still loves me.

Your being to hard on yourself if you felt like letting your hair down and going out for the night. That’s totally fine I’m sure you were soon back to being mum again. Try not to compare it’s a bad habit. Everyone will be more experienced once they have their second DC. Make the most of them precious moments.

You love your dd and you have a great relationship with her - no more needs to be said.

It is totally normal to feel like a 'better' mum second time around, after all, you've done it all before, and ironed out all those anxieties that you had with your first baby.

One way to spin it - your DD had 4 years of undivided attention from you - your dc2 will never have that. Do NOT worry about an odd boozy night out with friends - left in the care of presumably loving grandparents, what's the problem? Firstborns do tend to have advantages over their siblings. They are frequently more intelligent for a start. Just enjoy your new baby, you've given your child a sibling - that's wonderful.

She’s your first child! You had no real idea of what life would be like with a baby. And now you do. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, AT ALL.

YANBU. The same happened to me. It could have been me writing your post. You've done nothing wrong. You have to forgive yourself really. Wish you the best with your two treasures.

Not only is your first a massive life adjustment in the way your second isn’t it, on top of that you’ll now have a much better appreciation for how quick this newborn time is!! Much easier sit back and appreciate every second when you know it will fly by. Don’t be harsh with yourself, you did nothing wrong and I’d wager you’re imagining a greater difference between your treatment of the two than there actually is.

@CorianderLord
Exactly.

OP, keep reading this "guilt poisons the present".

You sound like a really great Mum, doing a super job.

It's really difficult when you have your first baby, the transition is huge.

You did your best and have a happy little girl as proof.

There is hardly a mother out there that doesn't have a regret or two of things they have done, often because they didn't know any better.

I certainly don't think a night out is any reason to beat yourself up when your baby was well cared for.

Loads of women have the blues afterwards and struggle on and look back afterwards and definitely feel they had a touch of PND.

If you don't make a conscious decision to say I'm going to forgive myself for these things that I am winding myself up over.....a year from now you will be even more regretful, of that YOU can be sure.

Look at your happy little daughter....that is the result of your mothering....sounds like a great job to me.

I was the exact same with the first , word for word. With my second and third it was so different. I had more confidence in myself. I felt so out of my depth with my first.

That first child is now nearly 14 and we are so close. He is so affectionate and totally oblivious to how I felt in the first few months of his life.

Let it go, honestly, dont overthink what is very common. Makes no difference in the long run.x

When you feel yourself feeling powerless to your thoughts, think of this..

"Grant me strength to change the thngs I can.
Accept the things I can't.
And wisdom to know the difference."

In times of stress I have found this to be very comforting.
Keep repeating it, and it will help you move your thoughts to a more positive place.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind and wise words!!

I can't tell you how much it has helped give me a bit of perspective. It's a comfort to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way too. Guess we all go through guilt as mothers when we really shouldn't.

If ever these thoughts creep back in, I will be coming back and re-reading this thread to provide some strength.

For now I will be kinder to myself and let it go!

Honestly the way you described your relationship with your daughter sounds perfectly healthy and normal to me. So you left her for one night - it might have helped her to adapt to new people. I don't think being glued to mum is particularly good for babies anyway, contrary to general MN opinion.

The reality is that she does not remember the first couple of years of her life. If you felt tired and stressed and were struggling yourself, it's unlikely she picked up on it in any meaningful way. She is fine.

First born - gave up breast feeding after a few weeks, left overnight with grandparents at few weeks, happily handed him to everyone, didnt hold him much (luckily dh was sahd so lots cuddles). I did have pnd and was like cloud.

Second and third - all breastfed, slings, never left, co-slept etc.

I dont feel guilt. Feel a bit sad I didnt get to enjoy ds1 as a baby. But he is a cracker kid. Super independent, hilarious and witty. And loves a cuddle.

Glad to see your update.

You are doing great.

Nothing to feel guilty about for several reasons.

You left your baby, safe with people who loved and cared for her for a night out. That's fine. Hopefully made you feel a bit less overwhelmed and FOMOed.
You have learnt tons of stuff from DD that you are using for DS. That's good!
Maybe DS is just an easier baby, some are. Not anyone's fault.

You are a lovely mum and your children are lucky.

We can never give two children exactly the same experience. Your younger one gets the bonus of you feeling better this time and of having a loving older sister.

Your elder gets the bonus of the time you have had for her in the years between and of having a cute baby brother. She won't remember or care how she was fed.

Over the years, one or the other of them will be getting something- or have something bad happen to them- which won't be the same for the other one. That is life. Like the rest of us, they're going to be living it. In you, they have the very best of starts.

Also, and this is important. You will not be a perfect parent to either of your children. It's impossible and unhealthy for you to aim to be. So enjoy them!

You are all absolutely right! Thank you.

I have re-read my post and had a word with myself. I think I was tired/paranoid and a bit emotional about everything when I posted. I needed a little reassurance and every single reply has helped.

Thank you all for setting me straight again and being so kind. The beauty of Mumsnet!

I am glad you are feeling better and agree with everybody!!

You obviously did your best and are a wonderful mum. (Sometimes I think the fact that we worry about whether we are good mums tends to mean we are!)

And goodness, why on earth shouldn't you have a night out? It is way better for the baby to have a mum who allows herself to wind down occasionally. Your DD was safe and loved while you were doing it- perfect!

Enjoy your two beautiful children, OP. 🙂

I could have written this post myself! Similar aged children and I felt EXACTLY the same as you with my first child. Looking back I also wonder if I had PND. For whatever reason, I just didn't feel a strong bond with her. Possibly due to a traumatic attempt at giving birth. Obviously I love her to bits and always did, but everything was so different 2nd time round.

When I had my 2nd child, I was gobsmacked at the enormous rush of love that I felt when they put her on my chest. Straight away I just felt so protective over her. I can't bare to be away for her more than 2 minutes and I think about her constantly.

I'm guessing it's not normal to feel this way, but wanted to let you know that you are not the only one. Hard not to feel guilty, and no advice on that, but I also feel similar!

You’re not comparing like with like.

I know what you mean, though - for example, in our case, I feel DC2 (same age gap) has tended to be tag-along child to DC1.

Realistically, they won’t have the same experience, but they’re both loved the same; it’s swings and roundabouts, but I reckon it all balances out in the end.

Second and even third time around you are more relaxed and sure of yourself. You ignore peoples opinions and know to do what works for you. It's a learning curve first time, second feels easier then third more so etc.

Sounds like you're doing and have already done a great job as a parent.

Try not to feel guilty.