AIBU not to tell family about Covid test until we know the results

[TotTellOrNor]

NC for this but I’m a regular poster and would like some advice.

My mum’s 96, is frail, lives in a care home and has dementia. Despite all of this, she enjoys life and is seldom really ill. I have PoA and I got a call from the care home this afternoon to say that she’d developed a cough overnight and her temperature was a bit higher than usual. She was examined by a nurse and they’ve tested her for Covid-19. No one else in her home currently has confirmed Covid-19, but two others are showing similar symptoms and have also been tested. The results will come back on Thursday or Friday.

Obviously I’m really worried as the outcome probably won’t be good if she’s positive. The immediate family in my mum’s case is my two sisters and one of my mum’s siblings (her brother who’s 91). My uncle lives alone and has a physical disability and my sisters are both massive worriers. So my dilemma is whether to let them know about the test or to wait until we have the results?

The reason for not telling them is that I don’t want them to be overly anxious if the test is negative. However, at the same time, telling them just now would give them some time to prepare for the fact that she may have Covid-19.

I’m truly in a quandary. Normally I contact each of them straight away if my mum’s had the GP out or if there are any sort of concerns or worries. But they all have a lot of other things to deal with at the moment and I just want to avoid giving them something else. One of my sisters, in particular, would react very badly to this and would be very very anxious over the next couple of days.

So.........

YABU if you think I should call them in the morning to let them know
YANBU if you think I should wait until I get the test results

YABU - I wouldn't be impressed if a sibling withheld this information from me because they think I'm a "worrier".

Hope your mum is ok. Sorry, should've added that!

However, at the same time, telling them just now would give them some time to prepare for the fact that she may have Covid-19.

I get what you are saying but I would go for this. I hope your Mum is ok and hasn't got it but deterioration can occur very quickly so think it's better that you tell them that she is being tested.

Really hope she is negative OP

Thanks for your replies at this time of night. They’ve helped me come to the decision to tell them and I’ll ring all three in the morning.

You’ve helped me see that it’s the right thing to do. Fingers crossed it’s negative........ at her age, we all know that something could happen at any time and I know I’m really lucky to still have her around at 96. I’m really anxious about not being able to visit her if she’s positive - since this whole thing began, I’ve been trying to get my head around the possibility of her becoming ill (Covid or something else) during lockdown and, if the worst were to happen, not seeing her again. I thought I’d rationalised it in my head, but I’m lying here knowing that I haven’t and I’m just pretty sad about it.

So sorry to hear your dilemma. No easy answers I’m sorry to say but if you usually share everything then it’s probably best to tell them. I really hope she’s ok.

I'm glad you've decided to tell them.

It would probably make your sisters worry more in future if you didn't tell them now as they'd always be wondering if they were being kept out of the loop.

I’m sorry to hear of your troubles OP, it’s a worrying time. Just to let you know, a 113 year old woman has just recovered from Coronavirus in Spain, so nothing is certain. Hoping all goes well for you, one step at a time. 💐

You need to tell them. Stuff like this has potential to cause a massive fallout when they find out that you knew. Hope your mum is ok.

Just a quick update - I’ve now spoken to the three family members and it was the right thing to do, so thanks for your advice. Two of them have since been on the phone to each other and are winding each other’s anxiety levels right up - I wish they wouldn’t but this isn’t in my control and not a reason to withhold info.

Hope mum will be ok op.....you did the right thing.