Would you message previous boss to apologise for being crap at job when ill?

[bitofafunnyquestion]

Evening all.

I have come on AIBU as I know you will be straight with me!

I have a long term health condition and the meds have quite difficult side effects I have been working to manage. I had a particularly rough 2-3 years until about Jan when I changed meds. This involved depression, very regular panic attacks daily, high anxiety, suicide ideation, self harm, loss of memory, concentration, fatigue, brain fog and word recall.

I lost all of my confidence and because my memory was shot, couldn't trust myself to speak in official situations such as meetings as I would invariably forget what I meant to say and look an idiot.

i had a lovely boss who did his best but i was constantly exhausted, disorganised, off having a panic attack or breaking down somewhere private (he didn't know this but I wasn't at my desk) forgetting to do things and unable to always answer ad hoc questions about my work reliably.

I had 8 months off work, came back to a new job and have been doing much, much better.

He has now moved onto another job as well.

I feel quite proud that despite not doing a great job I have kept my career going slowly forward during this really hard few years.

However I know I must have been a nightmare to manage, despite being as honest as I thought was appropriate with him.

I am feeling a bit guilty currently because I manage someone who is difficult to manage for very different reasons.

Previous boss and I are still part of the same wider public sector organisation and I still have his email and tel no. Would it be extremely weird to email or text and thank him.for his support and apologise for being at a difficult stage in my life but say work is going much better now. He is a genuinely kind man and I think he saw I would have been perfectly capable had I not been struggling with the meds, so I'm not afraid that this will affect future jobs if we cross paths again or anything. I more just feel bad for making his life difficult.

YANBU- contact ex boss to apologise/ explain
YABU- don't contact him

I wouldn't apologise, you wouldn't apologise if you were off work with a physical illness.

But you could explain and thank them for support if they genuinely were supportive.

I can't vote on the app but if you left on good terms, I would message him. Congratulate him on the new job and say you've moved on, are doing much better and thank him for his support.

I agree with PP- apology, no. Gratitude, yes.

You could thank him for his support during that time. I think that would mean a lot to him.

That sounds like an extremely difficult situation to be in. Well done for carrying on. It's great you are in a better place.

If I was your ex manager, I would love to hear from you.

Agree with the others. Message and thank him, don't apologise. You were ill, not being awkward

I think that would be really lovely of you. (Thank not apologize)

Agree with others, don't apologise - it wasn't your fault - but thank him for his support and let him know you're doing well now. If it was me I'd love to receive a message like that from you

Agree with PPs that a thank you would be lovely for your old manager. I am sure they will be thrilled to hear you are doing well.

And congratulations on getting better

If it were me, No I wouldn't. I'd query this move.
Why the urgency? Why now particularly?
It's a bit needy, isn't it? He was just doing his job. Why draw attention back to that phase in your life? You are making a 'Thing' out of it.
You are using it to get attention for yourself from him...for some reason that urge has arisen in you now.
The context is you are struggling a bit now being a manager yourself. You are looking for reassurance and a pat on the head and a way to feel that someone thinks you are nice. It's tough being a manager but rewarding as well. You are likely doing fine. This too will pass!

Thanks everyone for your kind responses.

I was worried his response (even if only inwardly) would be more in line with Seaweed 's in thinking 'how odd'!

I suppose all it is is that working with someone challenging has drawn my attention to how tough I I must've been to deal with and I feel like saying 'sorry'.That's the only reason it's come up now. But you're right though. This too shall pass, this lady's secondment is up soonish, thankfully for me!

Yes - thanks for being patient with me, if you want to say something. It puts focus on them, which people like, and leaves them feeling positive. Whereas 'sorry' might leave them feeling guilty if they did feel annoyed at you, and like you were wallowing in your problems that you had to come back to them about it.

I managed someone who had a mental health crisis.

A few months later he popped his head round my door and thanked me for my support. He said some lovely things and I still remember it years later.

He didn’t apologise- he had nothing to apologise for.

If you really want to acknowledge his support A brief message to say you have been reflecting on a very difficult period in your life and wanted to reach out and thank him for being such a great boss during this time.

No need to apologise, or indeed got into any great detail.

I would. I was in a similar position re your side effects except I didn’t have a diagnosis. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to write a letter like you’re suggesting but only because they were AWFUL before and tbh, after diagnosis. So yes, write and thank. No apology but a heartfelt thank you for his support and belief in you that you were ill and not just crap at your job (can you tell I’m bitter). It makes such a difference when you are that ill having someone believe enough in you not to write it off. Oh and OP, glad things are much improved for you 🌸

As everyone else says, don't apologise. I'd appreciate thanks but would find an apology tiresome.

Don't apologise. I agree with the others, a thank you is fine and probably appreciated.

I've managed someone (in a terrible organisation) with mental health issues in the past. I was a fairly new manager. It had an awful affect on me - this person was struggling yes, but also impacting other people (falling behind with work, not providing enough expectation management during day to day work meetings). Then I was having to cover her workload on top when it all started to pile up, untangle the impact. No help from HR or my own manager (too high up, it was a c-level person who had no time for operation management or supporting his own direct reports, even if he had given a shit). It was one of the major reasons I quit after months of being run into the ground myself. A few months later I did get a thank you from that employee when they returned to work via LinkedIn (I'd left by that point). It was a bittersweet moment.glad I was supportive but even now it stings..no one had my back, short of unhelpful reminders from HR about ensuring we handle it appropriately so no one can sue the org

sorry to hear that littlemissnot hope you're much better now

Oh Maternity what a badly handled situation. so sorry you bore the brunt of it.

Definitely not an apology but gratitude yes.

I have managed people with genuinely heartbreaking things going on and I’ve always tried to be fair and do my best within the powers available to me. Equally managed some useless twonks that I was glad to see the back of. I’d definitely receive a message like yours well, I’m sure he knows that you were doing your best

Apologies are not required you none of it was your fault. I think it is always nice to say thank you though. So glad you are doing much better OP.

Personally I don’t think I would welcome a message like this. To me it would come across as needy and I would feel you were looking for an outpouring of sympathy for this our health struggle (which I presume you didn’t share at the time) and/or assurances that actually you were a joy to manage. If you were talking about a few weeks of difficulty my answer might be different but this was two or three years. Your employer would have fired you if you weren’t doing your job properly for that long. You don’t mention any disciplinary action so I think you can take it that your manager was satisfied with your performance. I doubt he saw himself as supporting you as a favour for three years. As a pp dlsays he was just doing his job.

At most I would send him a message saying you found him a supportive manager at a difficult time in your life without referencing the fact you feel you performed poorly or were hard to manage and certainly not apologising.

I would also be wary of admitting that you feel you were underperforming for two or three years - that’s potentially damaging to you.

A thank you will always be welcomed. It's worth remembering that when people show gratitude, it can reassure us that we did the right thing at that time, even though it was hard.

I think he'd be really chuffed to hear from you and know that you're doing okay!

Lockdown has given us all time to reflect on life so far, I think it's a great idea.

Agree with others: thank, don't apologise.

In normal times I would actually send a card. Very good for communicating the sentiment without too many words (which risk veering into apologies, explanations and ongoing correspondence on the subject...).

Not sure how practical that is at the current time, especially if you don't have stamps and cards already in.