To feel angry with my mum and upset for DSister?

[TudorOrSeymour]

My sister is 15, such a clever girl. Took a GCSE language a year early, got the best results you can get. For about 7/8 months she's been slacking. Her last parents evening was quite frankly sad, with concerned teachers who didn't have a clue what had happened, and why she was slacking so much.

It's all since she started seeing her first boyfriend. Thankfully of the same age. Having a catch up over the phone to my DMum today, she's declared DSister is looking for admin assistant apprenticeships. I asked why, she did a phone call version of a shrug and just said its what she wants, she wants to get a job quickly, and then went on to say 'it's no secret she wants to meet someone and settle down early, she loved babies'. I was so shocked that this isn't being taken more seriously.

AIBU to be disappointed with DMum? I don't think her blasé attitude is helping things, she isn't even encouraging my sister to do more. Doesn't even seem to be questioning her.

I got married young, had my DC young. And it's bloody hard, AND I was one of the rare ones to actually have a husband behind me, a secure job and an easy. I just wanted more for her and think my mum is wrong to just leave her to her own devices like this

*Sorry, that should say and an easy baby?

Talk to your sister and find out what she actually wants for herself. To have an ambition to settle down and have babies at 15 is ridiculous.

I see your point but There’s not really anything you can do. I suspect if you say anything your sister will point out you were a young mother.

I just feel as if my mum is sitting her up for failure

OP, I'd feel the same and being brutal (sorry) it smacks of lazy parenting.

If I was you I'd just keep talking to your sister. Let her know that she has options and countless opportunities open to her.

I had a baby as a teen and then another when that child was 14. I would've been heartbroken (rightly or wrongly) if my daughter had said this to me. As a parent I want more for my kids.

Rory Completely. If my son announced he had near future plans to settle down when he was 15/16, or even 18, I'd be incredibly sad and not discrete with my discouragement. I just want MORE for my own DC

Can you try and encourage or help your sister some work experience (After covid) so she can see how hard the life of real work is (then put it off for as long a possible!) or work exp in a nursery so she can see first hand that the world of babies isn’t all rosy? When I was younger I wanted nothing more than to be a grown up, get a job and have babies. I now regret that looking back and wished i hadn’t wished my childhood/teens away.

Ultimately it’s you Dsis’ life. If she’d rather an apprenticeship than A levels and uni then that’s her call.

However if I was her parents I’d be talking to her about her options and trying to encourage her to consider different ideas. Whether that’s uni or an apprenticeship which would lead to a good career.

I was a young parent, and while I never found it particularly hard, I do feel I missed out on education and travel in my early 20s and wouldn’t encourage my dds to follow the same path. I have always tried to instil high aspirations in my dds and encouraged them to think about their futures.

If it was my sister then I’d be talking to her about all the possibilities she has and telling her not to sell herself short.

Can you not speak to your sister? I don’t understand why it has to be your mother. Is there an issue in the relationship or a reason she won’t listen to you?

It might concentrate her mind more if you ask how much the jobs she's looking at pay & how much a 1bed flat will be, as I take it her & BF want a flat for their baby & life together. What does the BF do? If he has low aspirations, is it him encouraging her to have the same? Your Mum sounds so not bothered, I'm amazed, so I'd nit waste time expecting her to step up to the plate, sadly.

This sounds like such a shame for your sister. When I was 14 I also got my first bf and let him totally engulf my life. I stopped doing homework, hanging out with friends or hobbies and my parents basically didn't care and just couldn't be bothered to parent or offer any advice/support. DM started joking about me buying 'fiance' cards for Christmas and that made me feel like we were expected to be a long term couple even at 14. It was a shame that I wasnt encourage to knuckle down during those pivotal years. Fortunately we broke up and I went to uni. Has your sister talked about her aspirations at all or about the relationship?

Wibble I don't know if that'll have the opposite effect! She had babysat for neighbours and often looks after her niece (not my DC) for long periods. She just seems to love it

Water Not at all blunt! There are some great explanations there for waiting 'until her time'. I will try to get through to her the best I can

black I've never met her boyfriend but she's spoken at Great lengths about him. He seems nice from what she says. From what she's told me, he's lucky, though. As he's the type to not 'need to study', but gets really good marks for everything. A few of the boys in her classes are apparently like this, and she says the girls always get similar marks but seem to study far more for it. They're all top set

Water I wish you every success with uni