Desperately need brilliant insights about 9 year olds and difficult bullying situation

[turoisne]

DC9's ex best friend, who I refer to as Lily here, not her real name, has in the last 2 years turned frenemy and DC's feelings over the lockdown have become more negative about it, and she doesn't want to go back to school because of it.

Over the last year, Lily has been either nice to DC's face but very mocking about DC behind her back, turning others against DC if she can, playing tricks such as asking DC to play with her in a particular place in the playground and then getting a group to mock DC there (DC calls it "the bullying place"),or she is rude to DC directly but pretends to the teachers that she isn't, for example putting only her middle finger up at DC but putting it against her nose and so that only DC can see, and she then says she was just scratching her nose. On a couple of occasions it has got physical - for example, Lily held DC while getting a boy to kick DC, Lily then said to the teacher it wasn't meant the way DC took it and Lily said she was really sorry and the teacher took this at face value but told the boy off. Lily regularly bullies about 4 other children too, according to DC it goes in cycles.

Lily has a new best friend. DC wants to play with other children but quite often when she does Lily comes and wants to join in or be mean.

The teacher's stance is slightly affected by Lily's past. Lily was sexually abused by someone who was not an immediate family member for 2 years and has been seeing a psychologist, and the teacher knows the family personally. Lily's mother is very sure of herself, she will often give advice to other parents about their parenting and she expects very high standards from Lily in terms of school work and independence and "popularity" and so Lily is under a lot of pressure.

DC does well at school and is generally popular at an "average" level, so the children are usually pleased to see her, but they all tease each other and fall out from time to time. It is different with Lily, DC feels she cannot compete with Lily as Lily is "in control of everyone" as DC puts it. DC was heartbroken when they stopped being friends and has only properly realised the extent of the two faced behaved recently and DC is now really angry about it, and in the weeks before lockdown had become increasingly rude to Lily, which did not help.

I have tried talking to DC about it, about her feelings, how to handle particular situations, nothing is working so far.

AIBU to ask for any brilliant insights or strategies I could suggest to DC while on lockdown to help them feel more positive about school, and deal with it better when they all go back?

Anyone?

Your poor DC, and you

My ds1 was bullied when he was 9 so I know how it feels as a parent. It was a few years ago now but I can tell you what we did then and hopefully some if it helps.

I bought this book www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-Called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 and we read it together. I also got the school involved to make them aware of what was happening. If the teacher isn’t responding or helping to sort the issue, then take it higher up.

I also took ds1 on a day run by Kidscape. They gave them lots of strategies for coping and dealing with bullying. It’s not about them changing but more the tools they already have to help them. It really helped ds1 and he’s still in touch with one of the boys from the course, 5 years later!

I know talking to the school and the course is out for now, but the book was a useful starting point.

Hi OP. Firstly, sending you and your daughter a very unmumsnetty hug in this rubbish time for you both.

You now need to bypass the teacher and go straight to the headteacher. It is fine for the teacher to be sympathetic to Lily's past trauma, but it does NOT give her an excuse to be a bully to other children. The headteacher needs to speak to Lily's parents and offer them support, but to make it clear that the bullying cannot continue.

If this does continue, the school are allowing children to be taught that anybody can justifiably be an arsehole if the circumstances allow it. Nobody will blame Lily in later life if this is addressed now - but they will if she is allowed to continue to bully others.

If the headteacher isn't on board, you must speak to the school governors or another school body. They will be able to offer help.

(The gin is meant for you, to be clear and not your DC)

Thank you both! Buy book and read with gin sounds like a good strategy!

One of my DS (teen) was bullied and it's awful so you have my sympathy OP. If you haven't already I would discuss with the Head and ask what strategies they are going to have in place to prevent this. I would also look at moving schools if it is really affecting her, we also considered home schooling our DS. I realise those last 2 are drastic, but sometimes you have to be!

I feel for you. My daughter had this in Year 6, horribly bullied by two girls one of whom was in foster care; the teachers were very reluctant to address it and I had to keep going in again and again. I would do whatever it takes to sort it out and don't be fobbed off by teachers. Write down everything that you daughter tells you they are doing. Bullying is very serious and has long-term consequences on self-esteem. Trust you gut and if needs be pull her out of school. I deeply regret that I didn't do the same for my daughter.

Thank you for the book suggestion, @almightygirl - my DD (9) has a long-term friend that seems to have become a frenemy recently and she's at a loss as to why she's turned on her or what to do.
I do think it's a prime age for less secure children to exclude and belittle in an attempt to build their own self-esteem. Well, actually I'm not sure some people ever stop, but maybe it's when it starts!

Hope you manage to make her feel better about it @turoisne
Will they mix the classes up for next year?

I'd recommend the book, along the lines of "Bully-proof your kid".

@theclangersbigplan you’re welcome. It was the same with my ds1 - a friend who suddenly turned him for no reason whatsoever. Thankfully a couple of ds1’s friends stuck by him which did help.

@turoisne another thing to consider when things are back to normal (!) is building up your dc’s friendships with other children, especially over the summer holidays when there’s less chance of Lily being able to interfere.

Took me 18 months multiple meetings and threatening reporting to safeguarding to get school to respond to this relational style bullying and unhelpful mother. Either move her or arm yourself with anti bullying guides, complaints procedure (up to board governments and Ofsted), information about types and effects of relational bullying, and rights of the child. Be relentless, if they put in an intervention get them to tell you what success will look like, how long they will give it etc. If it doesn't stop tell them they have to escalate their management (not just fob you off) It really impacted my once bubbly and confident DD.