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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what is wrong with me? And how do I fix it?

10 replies

Foxsakemum · 12/05/2020 08:00

Apologies if this is long. Basically I don't understand why I have turned out to be the person I am, and despite making a conscious effort seem to be unable to change. Basically, if I feel at all slighted by a friend I immediately withdraw (like a spoilt brat) and can easily cut them off. I think my feelings get hurt really easily and I absolutely cannot stand unfairness! I also hate people being two faced but this seems to be how people keep friends. I.e. 2 of my long standing friends A & B always talking badly of eachother to me. A tells me how B says all these things about me. All fine. I withdraw from B slightly as I am hurt but cannot break A's trust. Now A&B are best friends together all the time and it's like A forgot all the things she ever said!? Why am I so bothered about this!? I feel that I am not a good person generally. I cant express my feelings well and get very defensive. Unsure if it's relevant but I grew up in a house with DV as a child and was badly bullied at school so now dont know if this is a product of this? I honestly want to be a more friendly, kind and open person but I cant express my emotions and rarely cry. I have a caring job and I am able to relate to and care for my patients really well but I cant manage relationships outside work. I am in a LTR which is going badly. I do have friends in work and on the outside seem happy with my life but yesterday I thought if I jumped off this carpark roof there would be hardly anyone at my funeral. (I am not suicidal and would not do this as I have a child, but what a sad thought) should I seek help? Has anyone changed from being negative and bitter all the time to a good person? I have considered counselling but insure if this is in their remit. Thanks.

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bubblesr · 12/05/2020 08:26

Fox I read this and thought I’d written it. I can totally empathise with you as I feel the similar with varying degrees of intensity depending on what has been happening in my life. Sometimes things are fine and I can cover the dull ache of emptiness with keeping myself occupied but when a relationship (romantic or otherwise) goes badly it’s the end of the world. I was convinced that I had borderline personality disorder as I identified with many of the symptoms there are 9 and you have to have 5 (I think). BPD has a pretty bad rep with the mental health community as being manipulators and self absorbed but as with any condition there’s a wide spectrum. I work in healthcare too and have heard a lot of derogatory comments from HCPs on this. I did a lot of reading on it from positive sources again there’s a lot of negative information out there, got myself a Dialectal behaviour therapy workbook and things have slowly got better.
Obviously not making a diagnosis and I’m not sure I have BPD anymore but I do have some of the traits and have found it helpful to understand why I might feel that way. I also have a similar childhood experiences and it does affect your outlook in life.
It can get better though.
All the best xxx

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 12/05/2020 08:30

Do you have any sort of ND diagnosis? Would that maybe be something you could look into?

Have you thought about seeing a therapist to talk through this sort of thing?

bubblesr · 12/05/2020 08:31

apart from the crying I basically cry at the drop of a hat it’s incredibly annoying 😂

zscaler · 12/05/2020 08:32

This is absolutely the kind of thing that counselling is designed for. I think it would make a big difference to you. I started seeing a counsellor last year to help me with my feelings of anxiety, defensiveness and insecurity and it has helped me enormously. I can already see the difference it has made to my life. I would really recommend that you give it a go.

bridgetreilly · 12/05/2020 08:39

I would say definitely get counselling. The DV you mention may well be causing some of your deep-seated responses, and in general it sounds as though some help working through your feelings and responses to things would be good. But also, get some better friends and a better relationship! Two-facedness and unfairness aren't normal and you don't have to put up with that. That's not your problem, it's theirs.

Foxsakemum · 12/05/2020 08:48

Thanks for all your replies. I am not sure what ND is sorry? I get through day to day in life fine but I just cant show emotions well or handle confrontation. I think it stems from my bullying experience where I was very much of the mindset that I had to be tough & act like it didnt bother me and this has carried on in my adult life. Actually during being bullied I dont think anyone realises it was actually affecting me the way it did as I pretended it didn't upset me. I will absolutely look into counselling - I see some of my friends who are the life and soul - happy and radiate warmth and kindness and I wish it could be me. I am actually very caring and will send flowers to friends to cheer them up etc but I often feel that isn't reciprocated & I then am on the defensive. I just hope to be a better and less bitter person in general. Many thanks for all your replies it makes me feel less alone.

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trellishead · 12/05/2020 08:48

Yes, it can happen. I really understand - you're in transition, aware of how much better you and life can be, and unlike many people, you understand this comes from within! But you're not there yet and unsure how to fix it.

Sorry if this is a bit waffly but hopefully something of what I am about to write will be absolutely relevant.

You ask why your friends behaviour bothers you. One thing I learned which has stuck with me is to trust your feelings - if you feel hurt, or insulted, or devalued, this is a response from your brain, your morals, your inner protection of your emotional safety. Don't ignore it, but cherish it. Use it to guide you and make the decision that you will now take control and move on to better friendships and relationships. I think you may have slightly 'disassociated' in order to protect yourself from emotional hurt or rejection. Cutting people off is almost another way of doing this (deep down you know they're not a good influence, perhaps?). This may be something you learned to do as a child, if your parents didn't talk through things or validate feelings to let you trust yourself.

Mirroring the emotional relationships in childhood, we sort of attract the same people into our lives as adults if we don't address it. We are an easy target for emotional abuse, we accept it as "our lot" in life, or that it happens to us because of "how we are". That it must be something we're doing wrong. That we're worth how we let people treat us.

Be alone for a while, even without friends if need be, work on becoming strong and true to your morals or whatever 'truth' lies in your unique soul. If you are aware of negative thinking habits, change them. Do things that nourish your soul - interests, creative things, reading, even just the sort of tv you like! Be happy to be just the way you are. Accept it and know that's more valuable than moulding to others. Attract better people naturally, by being 'you' and not flinching away from accepting nothing but respect and love, and eventually you will grow bonds with better people. It may feel selfish at first but that's because you're used to doing what comes instinctively which is to just fall into friendships with shallow, easy breezy people who ultimately don't care about you.

You don't want to attract those who can take advantage of your emotionally (by manipulation) but instead people who validate you, lift you up and respect your feelings.

When this happens and the toxic people are removed and you allow yourself to grow only worthwhile bonds, you will get to the stage where it comes naturally to do this in return ("be a good person"), and your emotions with return, you will be able to laugh, cry, express yourself genuinely. It takes time but is worth making the changes. Take control. You are no longer the mould of your family at home growing up. Good luck!

ittakes2 · 12/05/2020 08:55

I think it’s interesting that you have immediately assumed this is your fault. It’s terrible manners for B to talk bad about you to A and then also for A to repeat it to you knowing it would hurt your feelings. I adore my best friend who is so kind and I love her unconditionally. But sometimes she drives me nuts so I will complain to my hubby about her but he know it’s just me releasing stress. But I would never complain to anyone else about her as I think that’s disrespectful to our friendship.
Yes please ring about counselling. You did not just think about your funeral - you thought about what you would do to get there so I think you should talk to doctor incase you are depressed.

OscarWildesCat · 12/05/2020 10:04

This all sounds very familiar to me, watching with interest. You are not alone, I could have written this myself!.

Foxsakemum · 12/05/2020 12:27

Thanks everyone, I will definitely look into some form of counselling although I cant afford it at the moment. I am concerned I've made it sound worse here than it is, I think I get jealous easily re friendships which I know isn't normal, I feel slighted easily and then become very bitter. I am trying to be more positive in general and realise there are many people worse off than me. I hope this isn't just a very unwanted and negative character flaw. Outwardly I appear very strong, happy and am always making jokes of things so nobody IRL would suspect a thing. I just want to become a nicer and better person. I have bought some books to help and I am trying to think positively about the future x

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