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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids with non dad

40 replies

pleaseletmesmile · 11/05/2020 20:49

In short, I have two young children, 9 & 6 and I've been single since their dad and I split 5 years ago. I've since met a great guy who has no children. I get the impression he tolerates my children but would prefer they were not there. How do mothers navigate relationships with men here? .................I need advice

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/05/2020 22:03

You aren’t right for eachother so you should both move on

NamesNamesSoManyNames · 11/05/2020 22:11

I get the impression he tolerates my children but would prefer they were not there

OP, you have to put your children first here. He he may be perfect in every other way, but by choosing to be with someone who has children, he has to accept that they will always come first.
It's OK to not be fond of children in general, but in that case, he is not the person for you.

EmeraldShamrock · 11/05/2020 22:13

Your DC will be aware of his attitude towards them eventually. There is no way I'd set them up for the disapointment.
Empower yourself give him the boot.

EggGarnish · 11/05/2020 22:15

Someone who can’t be arsed to make an effort with your kids is seriously lacking in emotional intelligence and there will be other issues down the line. Put your kids first before they notice they’re not wanted.

TheTrollFairy · 11/05/2020 22:20

You navigate this relationship by ending it. How can you contemplate being with someone who tolerates your kids? You wouldn’t be able to further the relationship as you couldn’t live with him

AmIAWeed · 11/05/2020 22:20

Kids are bloody hard work, if he tolerates them, when things get tough it'll be a 'choice' between them or him. It isn't really a choice - he's replaceable.
My husband didn't have kids, so it isn't always important. He doesn't always get it right, but he works his butt off, just like I do to be the best parent for them.

ludothedog · 11/05/2020 22:21

It depends really. Do your kids go to their dads EOW? If so it's possible to have your relationship with him when the kids are with their dad but there is no way he could ever move in with you and share their home with them. Your kids home needs to be their safe space where they can relax and be themselves where they are loved and accepted, bot just tolerated.

Tbh I don't really understand the desire to share the home that you have with your kids. Having someone you can go out on dates with, weekends away and having adult time sounds lovely though.

randomchap · 11/05/2020 22:22

What makes you think he just tolerates your children? Could it be that as he doesn't have his own then he doesn't know how to behave around them?

What is it that he does that makes you think tolerating?

Have you spoken to him about this? Having an open conversation about how you would want him to fit into your family's life could help.

BluebellForest836 · 11/05/2020 22:32

You dump him

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 11/05/2020 22:34

You need to put your kids first. Dump him - I’m not sure how you can even ask what you need to do here.

Also, he clearly needs to stop dating women with kids.

Noconceptofnormal · 11/05/2020 22:45

It's a cliche but you come as a package, someone needs to actually want that, not just want the easy bits. You've definitely got to ditch him.

Kids should be surrounded by people who they think are amazing, it would break my heart if anyone made them to feel any less than that, and it would be an instant turn off for me.

cariaaad · 11/05/2020 23:01

I grew up with a step dad who wasn't interested in us and would have been happier if my mum had no kids. Life wasn't awful but could have been happier, we just kept out of each other's way.
He's still with my mum now and I'm 41. I definitely know it has affected the relationship I have with my mum, I don't respect her for choosing a man over her kids and I know I would be closer to her if he wasn't on the scene. I see her a few times a year now and hate staying with her for long because he's there.
Please think about the relationship you have with your kids and how this could be jeopardised by choosing to stay with a man who doesn't embrace family life and love your kids.

Electrical · 11/05/2020 23:09

I was forced to live in a house as an already-traumatised child, with an emotionally abusive mother and her choices of cock, she married one and they despise each other. Now I despise them both and don’t bother with her.
When you choose to have a kid, you (general ‘you’) do not get to force dudes into their lives and home. You have a choice, they do not. You can shag guys whenever you want, but there’s no need to inflict your sex life on your kids, it never works out well, people who try to ‘blend’ sometimes bleat about how lovely it is but I bet their kids would not agree.

Ilovebanoffeepie · 12/05/2020 08:44

I wouldn’t be hanging around with someone who just tolerated my son!

EmeraldShamrock · 13/05/2020 08:40

I agree with others who grew up in the situation. I understand life can be lonely as a single parent but I'd do my hardest not to introduce new partners to them.
I know mammy needs a life too, it is very hard changing the family dynamic, unfair on the DC. Especially if he is cold and irritated by them. Then I wouldn't want someone throwing themself in as their Dad either. Best keep personal relationships separate until near marriage.

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