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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he is being dishonest for spending weekend at ex’s place

24 replies

IAmLegendaryExtra · 11/05/2020 11:52

Please help me out Mummsnetters...So, I recently started talking with this man I met via online dating. He seems nice and we spend hours on the phone he has two kids 5 and 10. He said he was hadn’t seen his kids for 3 weeks as he was self isolating after a recovering from Covid.

Anyway, this weekend he told me he was spending it with his kids. Apparently, he sleeps over at his ex’s place when he visits.😕

Am I being unreasonable to think there is a possibility they are still together? 🤔He swears they were in separate rooms for years even before he left and the kids would be heartbroken if he didn’t stay over and he is just trying to provide some normalcy for them.

I would expect he would pick the kids up, and take them to his place and bring them back the next day (2 hour drive to and fro) He says he and his ex don’t even talk except about financial contributions.

It might be worth adding that he lives in a 1 bedroom flat while his kids and their mom live in a house, I’m not sure how many rooms. I’m guessing 3 though and I think she doesn’t work at all, I’m not sure though.

I’m suspecting that he has moved on but she hasn’t and if she discovered he was seeing someone else she might go crazy and start drama etc.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 11/05/2020 11:55

I'd give up on that one. Even if he isn't still with her (and why would she allow him to stay when she's not speaking to him?) then it's too soon for him to be having a relationship and you'd suffer in the end.

UnfinishedSymphon · 11/05/2020 11:56

You've just started talking and you're obsessing this much already?

ShallallalAa · 11/05/2020 12:00

You're suspecting a lot. You barely know this person. If you had met him through work or via a friend you would not be making a load of possibilities up in your head would you, cause you'd have some real life knowledge of who he is.

Chill out and wait to see what his circumstances are in actual fact but certainly don't make any assumptions about him his ex or what his intentions are and definitely don't sleep with him.

CaptainAthena · 11/05/2020 12:02

Have you even met this guy yet?

At this stage it's really none of your business how he and his ex conduct contact with the children. If you can't get over it stop talking to him

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/05/2020 12:04

Walk away. Find a bloke who doesn’t have children.

Iamthewombat · 11/05/2020 12:05

You are too invested already. You haven’t met him yet. Take a few steps back and talk about something else!

Doowop20 · 11/05/2020 12:05

It’s not your business but if you would have a problem with it, end it now.

HugeAckmansWife · 11/05/2020 12:08

Two hours is a long way for the kids for 24 hours. I've offered my ex the option of staying here occasionally and there is absolutely no danger of us reconciling. However, it's such early days, if youre not happy with this then just stop the 'relationship' now.

Fairylillie · 11/05/2020 12:12

I used to date a man whose kids lived eight hours away. He used to stay in a cheap hotel overnight or sleep in the car as his ex had met someone else who didn't like the idea of the ex husband staying over.

At the moment your new man can't stay in a hotel or B&B as there are none open. It would make sense for him to stay over, so he only has to drive twice (there and back) rather than four two hour drives. Also the kids Mum might object to him taking her kids so far away and be insisting that he stays over so she can keep the kids with her.

I think you need more time to get to know this man before you can suss out the relationship between him and his ex. Also this might just be a temporary arrangement due to Coronavirus. I doubt it will last long term, once his ex meets somebody else the new partner won't like the arrangement either.

Olliephaunt4eyes · 11/05/2020 12:12

I don't know. Sounds like a long drive. I could see why he doesn't want his time with the kids to be spent with a bunch of kids grizzling in the car, and then stuck sleeping on camp beds in his one bed flat.

I probably wouldn't want my ex sleeping in my house, but if they are amicable, I could see it really working.

Having said that, if you're not comfortable with the dynamic and it's still early days for you and this guy, then probably not worth sticking with the relationship. It'll only be the first of many similar issues, whether he's cheating, or is just far closer to his ex than you'd like.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/05/2020 12:12

No, walk away from this one.

I wouldn't be happy with that arrangement - so I wouldn't go there. You can't dictate, you can only walk away.

Too messy by half.

ArriettyJones · 11/05/2020 12:16

You're suspecting a lot.

This.

It could be exactly as he says. It could be dodgy in some respect. You don’t know.

However, if you are someone who will obsess a lot and “suspect” various complex scenarios this early on, I’d walk away and leave the poor man in peace.

YgritteSnow · 11/05/2020 12:17

I think you've got an awful lot of opinions about what a man you're not even in a relationship with should be doing with regards to seeing his children and how he conducts his relationship with his ex.

Isawamagpie · 11/05/2020 12:27

Walk away. If you're concerned now, those concerns are going to get worse. Not better. This arrangement will unlikely change.

Original poster

IAmLegendaryExtra · 11/05/2020 12:33

Thank for all the feedback. Yes, it is early on but I am only human, I just don’t want to fall head over heels for a liar and cheater.

I really am not too invested but just wanted to sample other opinions considering that I have head so many awful stories on here about what some men get up to.

OP posts:

PicaK · 11/05/2020 12:38

For the sake of those kids walk away. He doesn't want to drag them on long journeys. He's able to be amicable with his ex for the kids. He doesn't want them cooped up in a 1 bed flat. He's putting them first and I admire him.
But you're already putting a block up.
I'm not sure you are the girl for this guy.

SistemaAddict · 11/05/2020 12:49

I'd walk away. It's bound to be complicated. Why is he in a one bed flat if he has two children? Pp said he's putting them first but if he was he'd have a proper home with enough room for them. Daddy staying over at weekend is likely to confuse the children into thinking he might come home, especially the five year old. It's a ball ache you don't need and you are already uneasy about it.
From a personal experience POV I've found those who chat for hours on the phone tend to be love bombers and future fakers. Just my experience.

Iamthewombat · 13/05/2020 18:53

For the sake of those kids walk away.

Eh? Why is the OP a threat to the kids? She just wants views on how her potential new boyfriend behaves.

borntohula · 13/05/2020 19:04

Haha I LIVE with my ex and the DC purely because of them and money really, we are not in any way shape or form together and haven't been for a long time. So YABU.

borntohula · 13/05/2020 19:05

Also, he told you. It's early days and he didn't have to tell you but he did.

BluebellForest836 · 13/05/2020 19:15

Walk. Would you be happy if you got together and then he’s sleeping round his ex all the time? Fuck that. Move on to someone less complicated

amber763 · 13/05/2020 19:22

It's none of your business at this point what his arrangements regarding his kids are. Leave it with this one if it's bugging you so much

Maybelatte · 13/05/2020 19:44

I’d walk away. When you date someone who has children you usually have to accept their ex will always be a part of their life in some way. If this is an issue to you, leave early on.

slipperywhensparticus · 13/05/2020 19:48

If your questioning it now there is no hope for later

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