To stop caring and go NC with alcoholic mother?

[ThSims]

I've been through the mill trying to support my DM through her never ending binges and have been the parent in the relationship for almost my whole life. Her life choices give me terrible anxiety and I'm sick of it.

She hasn't been a good mother, partly due to her own issues but she's also selfish and not maternal at all.

I have children of my own and gave her a chance to be a present grandparent but the habit of a lifetime of letting me down continues and she's now doing it to my children.

She asked me to video call her on Saturday because she wanted to see the DC so I agreed. When I called her she disconnected the call and turned her phone off. This has happened too many times and it was the final straw.

Has anybody else gone NC with an alcoholic family member and concluded that it was the right thing to do?

Finally, am I being unreasonable to no longer care that much about having a relationship with her and choosing to go no contact?

Hi OP. I would start by asking whether she's had any help/rehab therapy at all for her alcoholism? If not, it might be worth trying to get her some help as the final straw.

However, I would personally say that if she has already had this help and refuses to engage OR just refuses to get help, then absolutely I would go NC. I'm so desperately sorry that she robbed you of your childhood this way and is now doing the same to your children, whether she means to or not.

My opinion may not be a popular one, but this woman is probably never going to change and you now need to put yourself and your children first. I cannot even imagine how frustrated you must feel.

I think you know that enough is enough. Look after yourself. She is no good.

Yanbu, op, you need to protect your children, and yourself. She is responsible for her choices and the consequences.

Sorry you have had this in your life

You are absolutely NBU. Disengage, maybe get some support to help you cope with the emotional impact of that, live your life. The only person who can save your mum is your mum. You on the other hand have yourself and your DC to consider.

Anyone who has had an addict in their life will know exactly how you feel.

Hi thsims- I am in a similar position to you. My mother is an alcoholic but is in total denial that she has a problem. Like you I have spent years supporting her through various crises and when her relationship collapsed helped her to move into a house round the corner from us. I thought it would give her the chance to connect with us and our children. This has not happened as she cannot/will not function in any "normal" way. I have tried many times to get her to get help, not least when she was in hospital for the nth time which led to me drastically reducing contact as she blamed me for staff trying to intervene and offer help. I still worry about her and we help sometimes but I have given up hope of ever having a proper relationship. She hasn't been a mother to me for a long time and I think I've made my peace with it- I cannot change her. I am not responsible for her. Her choices have led her to where she is. It makes me incredibly sad that this is where we are but I don't feel guilty. I suppose I'm saying only you can decide, but that it's ok to do so. Big hugs.

Thank you for the replies! She has had help yes, she has:

Been railroaded to the GP surgery several times. GP advised counselling the first time. The second time she was given antabuse which she didn't commit to taking. Further GP visits for blood tests and health checks because she was complaining of feeling weak, which was hangovers (but she doesn't ever get hangovers, she said)

I got her in with a substance and alcohol support service and she was allocated a key worker, she went twice and didn't want to go back.

She saw the counsellor as per the GP referral, she went twice and said she's not going back because "he's just repeating himself"

At my insistence she took up volunteering to counteract the boredom which she blames for the alcohol, went once and said she didn't want to go back again.

She refuses to go to AA.

The copious amount of emotional and practical support she gets from me is never appreciated and I'm made to feel like a nuisance for checking in and she avoids me.

Ultimatums don't work because she enjoys drinking more than she enjoys us.

Sadly I think it's time for me to let go, it has taken me a long time to get to this stage. I think lockdown has made me realise that I don't particularly need her in my life after all.

You've reached your rock bottom ThSims. We all have one, even if we're not the addict. My late husband never reached his, but I reached mine and finally acted to protect my DDs and myself. Zero regrets - unless you count not having acted much earlier.

You should go NC to protect you and your children. It may shock her into realising that she needs to stop drinking, but that should not be the reason.

@Flylilly I'm so sorry you can relate, it really is such an emotional drain. I've learned to accept lately that there is nothing more I can do. Like you, I will help if she is ever in desperate need.. but I'll no longer live my life afraid of what's to come.

As sad as it is, I've had to accept that she is going to kill herself regardless of what I do, be it from the alcohol itself or a subsequent fall

Op you've got every right to cut contact if it helps you. From what you've described there's very little that will change.

My mum was a problem drinker, though didn't acknowledge that fact as she wasn't physically dependent (until the last few years) and therefore wasn't an 'alcoholic' therefore had no reason to change - it's one of my bugbears that there seems to be a social rule that adults should drink and can/should only stop if they're at the stage of public nuisance/peeing the bed/drinks for breakfast, but thats for another thread!

I didn't cut my mum off completely - complicated, but mainly because my siblings couldn't have handled me doing that, and the drama it would have caused would have been more work. So instead I went very low contact, moved away, and when I did have any contact with her it was only in the mornings. She would often ring me in the evenings and it always ended in an argument and her insulting me, I eventually clocked that I could always ignore those calls and it didn't matter as she never remembered calling me anyway. In the later years she would still have drank in the morning but not so much and that made (sparse) interaction bearable. If it wasn't for my siblings id have cut off completely though. It irks me when you read things sometimes like 'but it's your mum!' (funny we never read that about dads?). My mum died of alcohol related health issues over a decade ago and it says something about our relationship that my life became easier once she'd passed. I know that may sound cruel to some but we had so few positive memories together that I didn't really experience any sense of loss beyond the sadness that it was final and we'd never have a good relationship.

I'm a recovering alcoholic with many years of sobriety, and would have completely understood if my own daughter had cut contact - although that's easy to say in sobriety, and she doesn't really remember my drinking days. There's nothing else you can do, and you absolutely have to put yourself first. If your mother does realise that she is the only person who can help herself, she too will appreciate the position she put you in. I have known many people in AA whose family relationships deteriorated or were completely destroyed, but in many cases they have been rebuilt in sobriety.

Tbh .. it sounds like you are the one pushing for her to get help. She won’t get help until she really wants to.

All you can do is protect yourself and your family

She prefers drinking to anything else. It’s pointless trying to help her. Only she can decide to help herself. Look after yourself and your dd. Stop trying to save her, she doesn’t want to be saved. Believe me, I speak from experience.

It's pretty unanimous then, I'm NBU. I'm so relieved to see that, I was expecting to be told things such as you only get one mother.

That saying is true, but she hasn't been a very good one. There are very few lovely memories but a lot of bad ones. Stress, worry etc.

I've realised in recent years that I'm co-dependent as a result of the way she is and that has transpired in me having problematic relationships where I settle for less than I deserve and accept poor behaviour.

If you could take the alcohol out of the equation there are still more negatives than positives where our relationship is concerned.

@Lobsterquadrille2 I mean this sincerely, well done for staying sober. I appreciate it must be extremely difficult to do and so I have alot of respect for the people who make that effort. I wish my DM had the strength you do.

@Threeflyingducks I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope this doesn't sound out of turn but your post gave me some reassurance. I've been wondering (and worrying) recently about how I would react in the event of her death. I've been frightened that I wouldn't be able to handle it and it would be the straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak, then another part of me (which I'm ashamed to admit) thinks perhaps my life would be alot less stressful too after the initial shock.

I don't wish her harm, regardless of how she treats me I will always care about her, but I feel compelled to brace myself for the inevitable.

Starlight, yep that is the case. She has never wanted help of her own accord it has always been me pushing for it.

Cherry, again yep! She actually enjoys drinking and that is why there is no hope. Me and my children will never come above it. We bring her next to no joy in comparison.

@ThSims its not something I'd really say out loud to people but its true, and was for me within say, six months of her passing. There was grief, which is only natural - we did have some good times together. A lot of sadness for how her life turned out, because let's face it it's not a lifestyle anyone aspires to. And I had to come to terms with the fact that that was it - no chance for things to improve.
But what did make a difference in time, which I suspect you'll relate to, is no need for lying or covering up. It's much more socially acceptable to say 'my mum is no longer with us' then to try an answer why you're not planning a nice mother's day gift, why your mum hasnt visited/helped out when you're ill/in a crisis, why you're worried about big family events. I didn't realise how often I had to pretend in small talk. Even though I'd long moved out it stemmed from that internalised understanding that you don't talk about things at home because they're not like other people's homes.

Re enjoying drinking - one thing I later learned is that if people (anyone) drinks enough alcohol over time, the brain chemistry changes to the point that only alcohol can make that person happy, on a neurological/chemical level. I can't remember quite how it works but it's either that the brain stops releasing dopamine/serotonin for other things or the brain stops reacting to those chemicals in the lower amounts that are produced from non drinking activities. It becomes actually impossible to feel happiness at other things, like family, exercise, anything. That's one of the reasons why people who have drank heavily for time lose interest in anything else. I know that that is still horrible for the people around them, for me knowing that that was the case made it feel slightly less personal and easier to accept.

Thank you for your reply re help - you hadn't mentioned it in your first post so I just wanted to check rather than assume!

You definitely need to go NC, even if it is for a shorter period of time. This may be the shock she needs to get her life back on track.

Good luck OP, we are here for you

Also - you might want to check out the Stately Homes thread on the Relationship category. It is a support thread for posters with dysfunctional/abusive families. x

You are definitely not being unreasonable.
She didn't choose to be an alcoholic perhaps, but she chose the steps that took her there, or at least some of them
This might, and it's a slim chance only, be the rock bottom that saves her, but more importantly, you've done your best for her and now it's got to the point where you need to put your needs, and your children's needs above hers.
Whether or not you have her in your life any more, you may possibly benefit from a group such as Al-Anon. "Your" drinker doesn't still have to be in your life for you to benefit. Entirely up to you of course. There are online meetings.

Hi @ThSims I know this thread ended quite a few months ago but I was wondering how you got on? I'm in a similar situation, contemplating when I say enough is enough and go NC. Would just like to know how it worked out for you, if you don't mind sharing of course.

Hi @Lovethatjourneyforme I'm the OP, I just came back to this thread to re-read the advice as over a year later I have still failed to extract myself from the situation, regrettably. Are you still about? Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

How are things going for you?