Scheduled sex

[jessicarabbit27]

Dp and i are very happy but we have never been the most sexually compatible. He told me at the start of our relationship that he has a low drive and I've always been ok with it. Once a month is not ideal for me but it's not a deal breaker. I've compromised because I love him. He takes viagra too so I suspect there are some mental/physical issues but he's never really talked about it properly with me.

One thing I'm struggling with a lot is the lack of spontaneity in our irregular sex life. For example the kids are away at their dads this weekend and since the middle of last week dp has been hinting that Sunday afternoon will the time to dtd. Lots of wink wink nudge nudge stuff. Now Sunday afternoon is here I really don't feel in the mood but don't want to let him down after the build up....which is ridiculous as it's usually be compromising over no sex!

I get that if there are issues he maybe needs time to build up libido and chance to take his little blue pill! But for me it's getting tedious. I miss bedtime snuggles that sometimes turn into more. There is literally no off the cuff sex now it always feels planned. Aibu to feel like this? Is there anything I can do to improve things?

Bump

What happens when you try to initiate it? Is his issue physical because if so it does mean that it needs to be planned. But not days in advance. More take you out for a meal/massage you/spend time having a conversation etc etc take the pill discretely and proceed .... it can be done in a romantic way.

If it’s mental then he needs to work on it, has he checked his testosterone it could be very low ? All worth exploring

His testosterone levels have been checked and are normal so he says. He just struggles to get in the mood. I'm fairly sure it's a mental thing that prevents him from being physically able - hence the viagra.

Sex just seems to be on his terms frankly. We do it when he's in the mood because otherwise nothing will happen. I gave up trying to initiate a long time ago because of this. And because rejection became too painful and embarrassing.

I'm probably painting a really depressing picture here. He's a great guy in every other way and when we do have sex it's really good! I'm just finding the planning ahead a real mood killer.

Mmmm seems like you’ve explored the obvious stuff then.

The way he treated you at the last attempt was horrible. Sounds like there is a lot of built up frustration for him.

I’m not sure what else to suggest for you OP? If this is something you can get past and carry on like that then you will have to try and focus your efforts elsewhere. Me personally I couldn’t do it I think it’s a very important part and both parties need to compromise. That being said he can’t force himself to get turned on very tricky

Find your own way to get yourself in the mood first - porn/whatever. Make the best of it

How does he know he will be in the mood on a Sunday afternoon? When you do have sex how is it? Does it feel natural, is it quick or do you enjoy it? All relevant otherwise it seems like he’s planning a task, eg I will clean the bathroom, paint the kids bedroom type of thing.

Are you intimate in other ways, ie frequent cuddles, closeness, shared experiences?

You really need to have a proper chat about this. Can he not do other stuff when you’re in the mood? He can satisfy you in other ways if he doesn’t feel like full on sex. It would drive me mad having my sex life scheduled a week in advance. No wonder you don’t feel like it now

Sorry I missed the bit where you said sex was really good.

Have you had a conversation in which you say that you want more snuggling, touch, spontaneity (even if it doesn't lead to penetration)?

You seem to be compromising yourself an awful lot without him meeting you half way.

We are very affectionate in other ways. Cuddling and stuff. He's genuinely a lovely man but the sex stuff is very hard to understand and it bothers me what he's not more communicative about it. I suspect either embarrassment or feeling inferior.

I feel like he needs a date and time to work up to if that makes sense. Practically he is more relaxed when my kids aren't here as well so it tends to be a weekend when they are at their dads. I have joked about him 'booking a slot' before he doesn't seem to see it as an issue.

But it still seems like you are dancing around the issue to accommodate his embarrassment. I think a discussion needs to be had even if it is somewhat excruciating that's what relationships are about. I'd resent him if I were in your position. Imagine if you really liked pasta but could never eat any unless he cooked it - and even though he occasionally does cook it he doesn't do it very regularly and at that he doesn't even want to talk about pasta.

Whatever the reason he really needs to communicate with you. Verbally, writing it down, whatever. As a couple, this is an issue and needs resolved because it is making one of you unhappy. I'm not suggesting he should have sex to make you happy or that you should continue to accept a scheduled sex life. But if he isn't willing/able to discuss whether it is a physical/mental issue or if he's just not that bothered by sex then you will continue to wonder and feel frustrated.

Yes the lack of communication really is annoying. In every other aspect he's very emotionally intelligent and I can talk to him about most things but this just seems a real problem topic.

Currently wondering how this afternoon will play out as he is up for it and I'm not for once!!!

I don't know how old he is but speaking from bitter, depressing personal experience this will only get worse. And the fact that he can't communicate honestly and openly about something as normal to a relationship as sex is in itself an issue.

I was in this relationship for 6 years. I ended up being miserable. We had sex twice in one year one time. I’d constantly get rejected, and stopped initiating because I felt too embarrassed. My confidence was at an all time low. Trust me, this isn’t going to work long term, you will start to resent him. I’d have a serious discussion about how it’s making you feel and advise him to talk to a therapist or even to try sex therapy... or leave. I’m glad I did as I now have the most amazing sex life with my current partner... even while having a 4 week old baby.

Are you sure he actually wants to have sex this afternoon? He perhaps thinks that he has to dtd to satisfy you but he doesn’t really want to. I’d tell him no if you don’t feel like it. See how he feels to be rejected.

If it’s not physical then could it be that he’s ashamed of his body as he’s not in good nick nowadays or doesn’t find you as sexy as he used to (sorry) because you’ve changed in some way?

Tell him you don't mind everything else, but the planning is starting to put you off. Tell him to carry on as he is get the day in his mind build up to it, take his pill but not to include you in the planning. That way you both get what you want.

I feel for you, I couldn't manage with once a month I'd be going mad with frustration! I agree you both need to talk, talk, talk it out. Bring in a sex therapist to help if you feel you need it. It sounds to me like he's dealing with erectile dysfunction and hiding it with viagra. I would recommend two amazing books for you both to read, one is called The New Male Sexuality (can't remember the author), the other is Vagina by Naomi Woolf. You are not getting your needs met either which isn't fair. But he is clearly feeling the pressure which isn't helping him either, hence the build up to 'perform'. You sound like a very understanding and loving wife btw.

I couldn’t live like that. I have needs.