Mother with Paranoid Psychosis

[Chester1980]

I’ve posted before about my Mother who can be very controlling and manipulative.

She was sectioned when I was a baby, and my Father told me years ago that she was diagnosed with a paranoid psychosis. This would be nearly 40 years ago.

She has had no medical intervention since. She has no insight. She’s clever in how she controls and manipulates. I found is so hard growing up that I went to a university the other side of the country to get away. I still live that far away, to keep some distance. I would love to move back to my home village with my young family, but being manipulated day to day really puts the fear in me.

Growing up she would be violent. She would scream and shout. My poor Father was broken down by it and just wants a quiet life. She cut him (and me) off from his family (who are lovely) just by making it so difficult to see them.

I had been bringing myself round saying it won’t be that bad if we move nearby. I want to be near my dad in his last years....but she controls everything. I send her photos of my toddler all the time, but sent some to my dads phone yesterday because he has WhatsApp and it’s free. She sent me a message saying I should send them to her...it was odd. Like a jealousy thing. When I called her out on it, she made out it was innocent and I’ve taken it the wrong way. That is her approach - say something, make a dig, be nasty...but say she doesn’t think like that and that you are taking it the wrong way if you say anything.

She obviously loves me and my toddler. She’s knitting him a teddy etc. She always says she loves me. But she can also be cruel. She treats my ill father as her slave and takes advantage of people all the time. She controls the money, his and here (she keeps it in her accounts).

I feel bad now. I want to cry and I can’t bare the control over our lives.

I guess I just wanted a space to get it out. I don’t like to actually talk to people close to me about it and I can’t afford therapy at the moment (I’ve had lots over the years - I have suffered from depression and an eating disorder in the past...and it always comes back to my mum).

I feel bad that I should be understanding with her, because it is a mental illness....but I just want to cut her off. If my dad passes away, she would be completely alone and that makes me feel so guilty. But I can’t be the one controlled for the rest of her life (she’s one of those people who will live forever!!).

Quite often bi polar shows itself after birth.
2 members in my family were put into a mental hospital after giving birth, for around d 6 months, at the time, 40 and 48 years ago they believed or called it psychosis, which it kind of was, but are nowadays classed as bi polar.
My very best friends mum exactly the same.
It's easy for other posters to say your dad should leave, but he probably remembers her before and anyway, does really love her.
It's a shame she never got treatment, as bi polar is treatable, which sounds like your mum, still with ups and downs, but nothing like the full blown day to day living with it.

For the sake of your own mental wellbeing and the wellbeing of your own family, you must keep away from her.

My mother was similar....and as I've got older I've realised she did in fact have narcissistic personality disorder. I was the scapegoat child and went through a terrible time at her hands for years. She threw me out at 17, as a means of trying to control me further, but by that time I'd had enough and I went completely no contact. My golden child sister was still at home, and sadly when she herself became a mother, her daughter became the golden child whilst my sister then became the scapegoat. Unfortunately the damage to my sister was already done.... she's narcissistic like the mother and we've never been able to recover our relationship.

People like my mother are poisonous and ruin people's lives, and they're not happy unless they're doing so. I've had/got a wonderful life, but I know without doubt it'd be very different if I'd allowed my mother to stay in it.

Have you looked at the out of the fog website. I can not recommend it enough.

Sorry but I can’t believe that your home village is that amazing that you need to go back there. Also your father has chosen to live with your mother so I think he has some responsibility in all this. I think you’ll be absolutely mad and stupid to move back thereAnd they’ll be no boundaries respected or anything like that

My husband wants to move there because it’s a lovely quintessential village and we feel like it’s our next step

Really? Have a look at Google Maps. Or Rightmove. How many lovely quintessential villages are there in the UK? Gazillions. All of which don't have your parents in.

Why does he want that village in particular? Does he really really want to live nearer his in-laws? The ones that helped give his wife an eating disorder? That if he moved their would take over his family life? Is he nuts?

Your Dad has been with your Mum a long time. Over that time she hasn't had any psychiatric treatment. He seems subject to coercive control. But on the other hand he doesn't leave? And he has watched the effects on you - he hasn't safeguarded you. He comes across as part victim and part enabler -'He just wants a quiet life' 'He genuinely seems to love her' 'The village is second to none' - he definitely gets something out of staying with her, perhaps even if it is a role of everyone seeing him as a martyr.

You need much much higher boundaries. Much.