Why can’t I live my life?

[Ranguski]

I’m sitting here in floods of tears with none to talk to. I’m not British, moved here 25 years back when I got married. No family here on both sides. My husband comes from a family where his parents favoured his brother more and that seems to have affected his confidence. His attitude towards life is always be on tenterhooks and keep comparing your life with everyone else. I on the other hand come from a family where me and sis were treated equally and had a lovely childhood. After coming here the ‘target’ was own house, senior posts at work and sizeable savings. Because I’ve not been pushed in this manner by my parents I took this upon myself very strongly. I/we were like horses with blinkers on and ticked off the list. I aborted a pregnancy as I was so scared to have a child without meeting these targets.
After 10 years we decide to have a baby but I’m ver sad to say I did not enjoy being pregnant or the approaching motherhood. I was scared about losing my place in the job market although we had enough savings for me to stay at home for 2-3 years at this point. I went back to work in 8 months which was fine with my daughter. I erased the idea of having another child, as I had to go to counselling the first time around. The councillor actually told me that ‘the fears I’m having are not mine but I’m carrying my husband fears around, and that I need to stop doing that’. Also a year before pregnancy I had a massive panic attack on the train to the point that I still cannot travel in a train and suffer from anxiety/panic attacks.
My husband was made redundant prior to the pandemic and I’m working from home and my daughter is homeschooling. He reads a lot and every time now it’s a constant harassing about how we don’t have a second plan/not enough networked links etc. He does all the homeschooling but I’ve been told that I don’t help out at all because of my ‘protected work time’. He has never supported me emotionally as his idea is ‘patting on the back/or saying it’ll be fine’ is a waste of time. I sometimes feel that although he wasn’t a me to run like a horse he also wants me to fail so that I’m never more successful than him. He always had troubled relationships at work however I get along fine with work staff. He always puts this down to your work is not as important as mine..when he used to work from home nobody should go into the home office while he is on a call. But when I try to finalise the year end accounts I’m asked to make tea/get lunch for my daughter etc. I don’t have problems doing this but it’s just that it appears that I’m constantly reminded that my job/me are not as important as he is.
The pandemic has really highlighted how fickle life is. I ambitious but I also want to ‘live’ my life..I don’t want to constantly run behind targets. I really wish I had someone to talk to.....I don’t know where I went wrong in life

monkeycats no it me, the filtering was his idea

Partly this all stems from his own upbringing, his parents value their sins based on who is more successful etc. But I cannot be a emotional punching bag for him can I?

Not me june it’s him...I just lost the will to make connections

I don’t have family here neither does he. They are all a 13 hour flight away. But I don’t think I can speak to my mum about this...she

OP, you sound like a really lovely, decent person, who is focused on doing the right thing. Your DH, on the other hand, sounds like a controlling fool.

How would he react if you spoke up for yourself every time? If you argued every point with him? If you told him that the other parents at the school are NOT all madly pushing their children?

I think you should take some time, and think of one thing that you would like to do for yourself. Maybe you'd like to paint, or sew, or do yoga or learn to make bread, or read the entire works of Dickens. I never had any desire to do crafts, but ive been knotting a rug, and i really want to take up glass painting and kintsugi. Just try something, lovely, and see what happens.

So sorry OP - it sounds like a constant nightmare to have to live like what you describe. Could you divorce?

It must be difficult to see the situation clearly when your husband's "doctrines" have become almost entrenched in you.

Perhaps a first step could be to form some sort of support system for yourself after lockdown. I don't know how that could be achieved. I poo pooed the idea of pursuing a hobby but at least that would enable to form some friendships away from your husband?

Certainly some counselling would help you gain some perspective and might help you clarify what you want or need from life. What is important? What are your priorities for yourself and your daughter? How can you achieve them?

The enormity of separating from your husband must feel daunting. I imagine he would make that difficult. You have time to plan your options. I don't know if your culture would make divorcing a very difficult shameful decision?

You sound like an intelligent woman with some spirit in you. I think the scales have been falling from your eyes for sometime now and it's becoming impossible for you to continue as you are.

Ok so you’re saying that every time you made potential friendships / acquaintances, be encouraged you to put them through some kind of bizarre filtering process based on how ambitious they were, etc etc.

He is a lunatic, in this case.

Can I ask (and please don’t answer if it’s too difficult), whose idea was the termination?

Your anxiety following the birth of your daughter and what sounds like PND afterwards may well have been triggered by this?

Wow that doesn't feel like a very fulfilling life. So you set targets, fulfil them then what? Set more targets? What is the overall goal of the targets? I think you need to look at that. Is it just to prove success? Prove to who?? Just his parents? After 10, 15years of being successful why are you still chasing their approval?

This isn't something I would usually suggest but I think volunteering in the community might actually be a good idea for you. Make you see that success isn't always defined by how big your house is or how large your paycheck is. Really connect back into society and maybe make some friends, just for the sake of making friends.

Oh and ditch the husband. He sounds like a drain

You need to think about what you want.

You are just living for everyone else at the moment. Getting to the top of the career ladder because that's what your husband expects you to do and not telling your family how unhappy you are.

Being a good father is not banging on about grades and not letting a child's mother be happy.

You must be competent at finance if you are doing end of year reporting so start looking at your family finances and see what's what and if you have enough money to end your unhappy marriage. This is no way to live.

My advice, would be to look at your daughter - he’s a good Father as you have said, but what happens as she grows up? Is he instilling his own blinkered idea of financial success=happiness in her?

Will he start encouraging her to ‘filter’ her friendships the same way he has enforced this idea with you? As she gains confidence will he use the sane tactic of pulling her back down as he has with you? Is that the life you want for her?

I have been where you are, no child (he forced me to abort), he had isolated me from my family, my friends systematically, he was so good at this I didn’t even notice it had happened until I felt alone and like it was too late to reconnect with those people.

It was almost as if everything that had made me who I am had been scooped out bit by bit. Like you I realised this was no way to live, I had no confidence, no idea of who I was supposed to be anymore, fear of the unknown and no support network to get me out. So it took a long time to take the plunge. I had no access to my own money (he was financially abusive as well as emotionally) so I secretly applied for a credit card which I maxed out when I found a place to move to - not the best planning I grant you but I was young and desperate! Then I started to piece myself back together. This process is still ongoing 8 years later but I’m much happier now, have my DH and twins and whilst I’m financially ruined for a little bit longer, I’d still make the same choice.

You don’t deserve this @Ranguski I can tell you know this, fear seems to be holding you back. But if you separate you will hopefully be happier, whilst we all probably envision that staying together with the other parent is better when we have a child - it’s much much more important that your daughter has a happy Mum, that’s not to say you’ve damaged her in any way, but I do feel that if you can step out of his shadow, there will be a relief that comes with it that can then fuel you regaining who you are, it’s not an overnight process - but it can happen

I would rather have family & friends than be rich with no family or friends

I agree volunteering or join a hobby group are great ways to meet people from different all walks of life

What do you want to happen in the near future ?

What do you wish for your child ( although they may choose a different path to the one you desire) ?

What is filtering friends ?

I think it means vetting them, basically judging them by a preconceived idea of what friends the OP should have by her husbands exacting (and seemingly unhealthy) expectations @Tea4Tw0Day

NaviSprite I agree. The husband appears to have shut down all of Op's friendships by criticizing them and judging them to be bad for Op's (his) social aspirations. I'd call it abusive control- cutting off any outside influence.

Your own experience sounds awful Navi all power to you for getting out of his hold and making a new life for yourself. No mean feat I imagine.

Make your own friends