Don't know who I am

[ShambalaHambala]

Does anyone else have any experience of this? I feel like I don't really know who I am. I have been in relationships with two abusive men and this has covered the past 10 years (age20-30 ish). I feel like I don't have a personality. That every friend I have sound describe me differently because I change myself when I'm around different people. I feel like the abuse has damaged me permanently, and I pretty much live now to make other people happy. I don't think it's a case of me just needing to 'find myself/a hobby' - it feels pretty deeply routed and I'm scared that this is it now. I'm not sure any of this makes sense but I'm wondering if anyone can help/relate?

Would not sound

I relate OP. I had a traumatic childhood and now have borderline personality disorder and I really struggle with identity. Trying to become the person I want to be with ‘future self’ journaling but it is very difficult. Something that most people take for granted and is very difficult to create. I’m a different person around different people too.

@beanybop I hate it so much. I just want to be a normal person who makes decisions because that's what I want to do. But I don't think it's possible for me to ever be that way.

I didn’t want to read and run

I think it’s normal to feel as you do after being in abusive relationships.

You may not feel you know yourself YET , but you can start getting to know yourself right now. The important thing is to not pressurise yourself. You’re like a beautiful flower, the warm sun and refreshing water will make you bloom, there is no forcing it except through nourishment.
Start by just noyicing what you like in every moment. No need to judge or categorise yourself, just notice what brings you joy.
Can you reconnect with some of the things you liked as a child / teen? Old TV shows, music, books? That might give you a starting place?

Take your time to heal, and good luck

I really relate to this! Strangely enough I've also had BPD mentioned to me when I was under psychiatric care during my last pregnancy. It's a horrible feeling OP and I'm afraid I don't have anything productive to offer you but just wanted to say you are not alone

Thank you. I don't think I have BPD. It's something I've looked in to before and I just don't tick enough of the boxes. I think it's possible PTSD from so many years of abuse. I think I've conditioned myself in to believing that I have to keep other People happy. That was my life for so long. Basically don't do anything wrong and I won't be belittled,sexually assaulted or threatened that evening.