If you were a teenager now would you be better protected *Possibly Triggering*

[PlasticFlowers]

I have name changed to write this.

Someone from my past contacted me the other night (FB) and it seems to have brought up some really unhappy memories from my past and I am alone in lockdown and want to write my thoughts down. I hadn't spoken to him for nearly 30 years and he phoned me on messenger.

I was a teenager late 80s/90s.

This person was someone I had a relationship with, I was 16 and he was 26, my parents were fine with this, which looking back shows a huge amount of either naivety or lack of care on their part, I like to think the former.

I met him while I was out clubbing in a members only club.

I was going into bars and clubs from the age of about 13 with my parents knowledge (sometimes) and getting drunk and sleeping with men a lot older than myself (I met a guy in his 40s in a Casino when I was 14 and was sleeping with him and he was loaded and used to just hand out cash - but not for the act of sex IYSYIM it was more subtle than that) he was married with children.

On several occasions I slept with people I didn't want to/ wasn't comfortable with/was totally off my head and unable to consent.

I was taking a lot of taking drugs and drinking and ended up with a drug habit by the time I was 17 which did nearly kill me.

I have since had a family (my children were the making of me) and stumbled through a marriage, broken (sometimes abusive relationships) and am now in my second marriage which has its ups and downs like any other, generally happy but I think we are two damaged people who sometimes heal each other and sometimes don't know how to do that.

I thought I was over all this stuff, but this has really knocked me and made me think about all the other incidents that I have shoved to the back of my mind, I suppose because they are painful and put down as a rather "wild" childhood when actually nowadays I would be waving a massive "I am being exploited" flag, and I was just allowing myself to be, or being abused (I always told my real age to anyone I slept with). I did look a lot older than I was but I was a child in a women's body.

Should I just get over myself as obviously I can't change anything, or should I forgive myself and accept that a lot of that wasn't within my control because I wasn't mature enough to make good decisions, and be a bit kinder to that vulnerable child who seems to have reappeared
within me these last few days?

I have built a good career for myself and a lot of my work is CE (it has kind of just happened like that really) but I think subconsciously I have been drawn towards it because I am seeing that girl and trying to help her - nowadays I would be better protected wouldn't I? I was the model student at school so no one knew.

Does anyone else who was a teenager in this era feel the same way - looking back at it now?

Be kind to yourself.

There was a lot of behaviour dismissed as being 'wild child' and off the rails that, when looked at through todays eyes, is exploitation and abuse.

Do you think it was common place or is what I did extreme?

I squatted in London in the 90s and meet many 'wild' children. Befriended a few for a while. The commonalities were parents' lack of parenting and boundaries, and exploitive men (and even a few women). They were often treated like pets by the older crowd: "isn't x so cute when she's off her face" sort of thing.

I think it's way more common then people like to think. I worked in a school 4 years ago for kids with behavioural problems and many of the girls were going through the same thing. They also lacked parents who had boundaries, thought they were old enough to look out for themselves at 13 etc. It's so much easier for the parents to turn blind eye or blame their children than accept responsibility. And then there wss the exploitive men who said they saw them as adults etc. It's bloody horrifying how many people still consider these child know what they're doing because they try to act older. Or at least their idea of older.

You've done so well turning your life around and I hope you can find peace with the past that was forced upon you.

I think that up until the late 2000s or even 2010s many people wouldn't have taken this seriously. In 2002, when I was 14, there were several girls in my year with much older boyfriends into their later 20s. It was an open secret that these older men would be picking up young teenage girls at the school gates in their cars. I think those girls were viewed as "choosing" to do what they were doing.
It took for the Rotherham scandal to blow up for people to take exploitation and grooming seriously and as child abuse rather than a lifestyle choice.

Please be kind to yourself- it wasn't in your control.

This is the thing isn’t it?

I used to go to this pub where it was an open secret that I was 14 and I slept with half the men in that pub and had a “reputation” for being a bit of a “slag” “easy” and always felt like shit about it and have always described myself like that. But I was a child

I dunno why it’s suddenly hit me - I guess I have seen the reality of what it actually was through adult eyes.

I would never feel able to bring it up with my parents, I think they thought they were quite middle class and bohemian.

I am so glad my DD didn’t have the same experience as me and had a healthy adolescence.

One of their (parents) friends sons who was still 16 years older than me used to take me out clubbing aged 14 and was always all over me - I did actually have a fling with him in my 20s - I have no idea what that was all about now, but it was not ok.

There is a world of difference between then and now though isnt there.It is much more widely acknowledged that young girls are at risk today .Your DP may have indeed been naive ,or thought that an older man may "look after you" You have done well and carved a life for yourself . Just keep an eye on DD and try not to dwell on the past too much

I had very similar teenage years - parents both alcoholics and didn't notice anything. Out clubbing and in pubs from 14 onwards and did a lot of horrible stuff with older men and made many awful decisions. I mostly now think how lucky I am that nothing worse happened to me - and I grew up eventually.

But when I think of how much I was taken advantage of - even if willingly/paralytic, I feel sick. I had no idea of that I was doing.

Was it just wanting attention? The thrill of being 'bad'? No idea of moral compass? But I was a child.

I can't really process it now - along with most of my childhood, but I look back and feel very sorry and sad for that lost teenager.

I was a teenager in the 90s. I had friends who did similar, but I was always worried about them and never did similar myself. I listened to them but never had the guts to tell them they shouldn’t be doing that. Some were having affairs with teachers/tennis coaches. It was much more acceptable in those days, some of the girls who did this had daddy complexes (absent fathers/mean fathers) but at least 1 had a really lovely and supportive family and it was just experimenting. In fact, some girls thought it was cool to do this/shows strength/freedom. I think it might have just been very different in those days. What is accepted socially changes over time, I think once you are a mother you see things differently too, ie you imagine the same thing happening to your daughter and it makes you cross. Be kind to yourself and if it isn’t too painful, by all means explore why you did these things. Were your parents to blame? I also had a lot of friends who went for men who treated them badly. I never understood why.

Was it just wanting attention? The thrill of being 'bad' No idea of moral compass? But I was a child

This is what keeps going around and around my head, and it’s making me feel sad.

My DD is 20 and she has her own place, car FT job and is doing an OU degree, she is so sorted it’s amazing considering she was brought up by me My son is a bit older and doing similar and my youngest is about to go to Uni.

I also went to the pub with one of my teachers, who is actually a really nice guy, was never inappropriate and is still my friend now.

I agree that this was common place up until about 10-15 years ago.
It doesn't make it right, and some form of therapy or counselling wouldn't go amiss. When you're ready to address it.

I have had therapy in the past, I have never actually addressed any of this though.

I always blamed it all on my dad who was absent/violent but I made my peace with him a long time ago and we are close these days.

I did want male attention and I think I still do. At work people say they know I am taking to a bloke on the phone because I “flirt” but I am absolutely unaware I am doing this.

I actually think pubs being much stricter about checking IDs etc has helped make this much less common too.

Please be kind to yourself. You made some bad decisions but you were a child being exploited by adults who knew exactly what they were doing.

You've since moved on with your life and made good decisions - that's much more worthwhile focusing on and congratulating yourself for.

Should I forgive myself and accept that a lot of that wasn't within my control because I wasn't mature enough to make good decisions, and be a bit kinder to that vulnerable child who seems to have reappeared
within me these last few days?

Yes.

Thank you for being kind to me.

Last few days whenever I think about it I get really emotional and there isn’t really anyone to talk to or anyone I want to talk to about it.

And I feel angry - how dare you just phone me up 29 years later.

Have you done any ‘inner child’ work in therapy? Might be worth looking into/reading up on although it can be quite intense. And yes, be compassionate towards your inner teenager. This person getting in touch has triggered something which shows that your teenage years are still unresolved in some ways.

I think.your experience,s are. extreme ,but things were different in the 80,s and 90,s I was getting served in pubs from 14, girls at school had much older boyfriends ,and it was,nt frowned upon ,look at Bill Wymann who met his then wife Mandy Smith?When she was 13 ,whilst there were some mutterings in the press etc can you imagine how different it would be if it happened now?

@plasticflowers
Now the 'blast from the past' has brought these unresolved emotions to the surface and this is your opportunity to deal with them and heal.
You can do that now, you've built a good life for yourself and successfully raised a competent adult. Well done you!
I was a teenager at this time too and there was a hell of a lot more exploitation going on that would be called for what it is these days but back then it was the way it is.
I am glad that my own teenage daughter is growing up in the time of #metoo and that she knows that she deserves to 'make a fuss' if she isn't treated in the way she should expect to be treated.
We didn't make a fuss. We didn't realise we could. We do now, so forgive yourself and mother yourself the way you have mothered your child. You have done nothing wrong.

No I haven’t done any inner child work but I will look into it thankyou.

I think that is it too I have realised I have spent so many years feeling guilty and shameful and never spoken about it, just joked about being a slag.

I was gravely ill when I was about 16 and had to have an emergency operation and this guy dumped me while I was in hospital.

Turned out I was also pregnant with his child and I had to agree to a termination (in order to save my life).

I have been FB friends with him for donkeys but I have no idea why really.

I never told anyone, even him and when he called I was pissed and he out of the blue said thank god you weren’t pregnant back then and I just blurted it out but had got drunk and can’t really remember the conversation and it’s just raked it all up, and I don’t want to discuss it with anyone in RL.

So immediately felt guilt and shame again.

I read this book about inner child work. It has exercises in it. Have a look and see what you think. Hope you’re ok. www.johnbradshaw.com/books/homecoming-reclaiming-and-healing-your-inner-child

Thank you I will look on Amazon.