Tired of being the motivatior

[Bugsareinthebrook]

My husband isn’t a lazy person but essentially does what he wants to do and not much else. He didn’t help with house work. I do the cooking, cleaning , washing , ironing, shopping, gardening . We have a 12 year old and I organise childcare (or did as he doesn’t need that much now) and the homework. I do all house admin including paying bills as he is terrible with money. Since lockdown I have been the one organising the school work - what gets done etc. I’m also working full time from home . Son is bored - like all kids - we do do lots with him- walks, cooking , other projects to try to keep him going. But if he is left to himself he will either watch tv or his iPad- much like most kids. I have a disability which gives me pain and tiredness. Today is a bad day. I asked my husband to do something with our son so he wasn’t in front of tv all day. He has ignored me and is reading in the garden. I have had a head fit - it’s ok for him to criticise the boy for watching tv but when it suits him it’s ok? This has just made me feel crap because I just need to look after myself today but no I have to be the one jeeing everyone on and motivating them to do things, giving ideas . Why can’t he looks after me ?

He sounds incredibly lazy and unbelievably selfish.

Does he have any good points?

"My husband isn’t a lazy person"
Yes he is.

"He didn’t help with house work."
You need to stop thinking of it as 'helping'. If he 'helps', that means it is all your job and he is doing you a favour. That's not how it is. Housework is your joint responsibility and he isn't doing his share. He is not shouldering his responsibility. He is shirking and leaving it all to you. Do you see the difference? As long as you ask for 'help', you are accepting that it's all down to you.

"Why can’t he looks after me ?"
He can. He chooses not to . Sorry, but that's what he's doing.

Yes I see and it’s a good way of looking at it. I shouldn’t bag - I should expect. I am in no way looking for a divorce- I do believe we are more than that. I have just spoke to him and described him as a child. I have asked him what sort of example does he want to set his child and that I am his equal and it currently does not feel like I am. I need to change my attitude to - not just him. I come from an emotionally abusive childhood and I am a People pleaser . It’s a very hard thing to break as when you have been brought up like that it’s buried in your behaviour. I am only just uncovering what has happened to me .