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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect MIL not to dig up rose we gave her?

34 replies

deaconblue · 18/09/2007 10:21

Bought my mum and MIL a "wedding day" rose as thank you gifts for our wedding two years ago. It's a bit of a rambler and my mum has worked hard to keep it under control but loves it. MIL (who is a keen and experienced gardener)had dug the blardy thing up!!! Another example of her pissing on anything nice I try to do for her, I think.

OP posts:
tibsy · 18/09/2007 10:24

YANBU - .....i know it's her garden, but I'd be a little hurt myself because of the nature of the gesture

Emprexia · 18/09/2007 10:24

Its a little insensitive, but at the end of the day, its her garden.

oggsfrog · 18/09/2007 10:28

Does she have any other roses in her garden? Maybe she doesn't like roses - I used to detest them and always swore I would never have them in my garden.

Original poster
deaconblue · 18/09/2007 10:28

Old bag, she told my mum with glee that it was impossible. Mum said she would rather have to prune it every day than cut it down.

OP posts:
Original poster
deaconblue · 18/09/2007 10:29

she has other roses, just didn't like this one. It's the lack of interest in the gesture that upsets me really

OP posts:
curiouscat · 18/09/2007 10:43

YANBU Let's hope she pricked herself on it

newgirl · 18/09/2007 19:20

im not sure - its similar to us having a house of wedding presents that we will never use/display etc - we have kept them for ages and now they have gone! its very tricky to live with other people's tastes!

never mind - bubble bath or similar in the future so it does not impinge on her home for too long

glitterchick · 19/09/2007 10:10

I would be really ticked off BUT there are loads of things my mum or mil have bought me over the years that I would love to get rid of and just won't because I feel it would be insensitive. Your MIL is prob just doing what we all want to do from time to time.

AngharadGoldenhand · 19/09/2007 10:24

I think you're being a little unreasonable. If you're a keen gardener, you generally like to choose things for yourself, to shape the garden the way you want it.

'Wedding day' sounds like a lovely rose, and a lovely gesture on your part, too. But it will grow 9 m x 4.5 m. That's a very big rose! Perhaps mil felt it would take over too much.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/09/2007 10:42

MIL probably got the impression you didnt like her very much when you gave her that

YABU to expect her to maintain such a vigorous grower, and rambling/climbing roses are particularly thorny. Pruning doesnt really keep them under control.

Sorry.

Maybe you could ask her if you could replace it with something more suitable? day lily?

choosyfloosy · 19/09/2007 10:48

sorry, yabu IMO

you give a gift - it's theirs to do as they wish with.

i've seen several things on mn that have made me realise that perhaps my family is unusually horrible about presents - it's normal with us to give the present with the receipt so that you can take it back or change it, and my sister does this with about 95% of what she gets. still, mn has taught me to be more careful of presents I get from outside the family...

MerlinsBeard · 19/09/2007 10:49

YABU its her rose and she can do what she sees fit with it

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/09/2007 10:50

It WOULD be unreasonable of her, if she dug it up and gave it back to you as a present

WigWamBam · 19/09/2007 10:54

The "Wedding Day" rose isn't just "a bit of a rambler" - it's a pain in the arse. Grows very vigorously, very hard to keep under control - I wouldn't have it in my garden, even if someone had given it to me as a present.

I can understand that you would feel a bit hurt, but really it's unreasonable to expect her to keep something in her garden that is too much for her to handle - and may not have been to her taste anyway, since she is such a keen gardener.

I'm sure she has other reminders of your wedding day, and you could always ask her if there is something else you could buy her to replace it, something which suits her garden and her taste more.

Original poster
deaconblue · 19/09/2007 12:00

Butif my mum can manage it why can't she? I get what you are saying about it being hard work and I should have checked before I bought them, was just pleased to find a present both gardener mothers might like.

OP posts:
newgirl · 19/09/2007 12:03

she probably appreciates the thought behind it but it just wasnt right for her cest la vie

WigWamBam · 19/09/2007 12:08

Might like ... not definitely would like. Your taste doesn't necessarily suit hers. And if she has a keen interest in gardening, perhaps she has her garden planned out, and there really wasn't a place for such an enormous rose.

Your mum may choose to maintain hers for sentimental reasons, but the fact it holds sentimental value for you and your mum doesn't mean she has to share that.

Keen gardeners often see plants (particularly ones they didn't choose as part of their design) as serving a purpose for now - OK to fill a space for a while, but dispensible when they get too big, start to crowd out other plants, or when other planting matures and fills a larger space. Maybe it is purely a practical consideration which has made her take the plant out.

Why don't you ask her if she would like another plant to replace it - and give her the opportunity to choose it this time?

FluffyMummy123 · 19/09/2007 12:09

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 19/09/2007 12:10

Message withdrawn

Twiglett · 19/09/2007 12:10

I think you're being unreasonable

she planted it and cared for it for 2 years when it was patnetly not to her liking .. this she did to please you

she's had enough

cut her some slack its her house and garden .. if someone bought you a puppy and you didn't want to look after it would you be wrong to give it away?

FluffyMummy123 · 19/09/2007 12:11

Message withdrawn

oggsfrog · 19/09/2007 12:19

Why don't you grow the rose in your garden and just present mil with a bunch of the roses every year?

bran · 19/09/2007 12:37

I think that you are confusing the gift with the sentiment. The fact that she can no longer cope with rose doesn't mean that she doesn't appreciate you or the thought that you put into the present.

Do you perhaps feel a little guilty that you gave a present (in good faith) that turned out to be a PITA and you're transferring the guilt feelings onto your MIL as anger?

I think you should read a few of the many, many threads about parents/PILs giving gifts and then being controlling/emotionally manipulative and ask yourself if you're not doing the same sort of thing.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/09/2007 13:09

LOL Cod

I think expecting her to indefinitely maintain something that is patently difficult, cumbersome and perhaps not to her taste for the sake of 'sentiment' is pushing it a bit.

I bought a rambler/climbing rose that is similar to that one - Kliftsgate.

It shot out runners in excess of 15 feet in one season (3 months!). I bought it for that very purpose - to clamber over an unsightly fence that belongs to our neighbour, and to prettify the huge shrub type bushes that lurch over said garden fence from their side.

I'ts done the job.

Effectively, you are asking her to wear the woolly, hand-knitted jumper with the big reindeer on the front regularly, just because you knitted it for her for Christmas. I mean, would you?

majorstress · 19/09/2007 13:14

good idea oggsfrog

sorry another vote for yabu, gifts are to be used as icod suggested, sort of, iysmim, oh never mind.....

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