Quick summary: my brother and I grew up with a single mother who died when we were in our early 20s. I consider him to be my entire extended family. We both have married and have three kids each, but in terms of the outer family, he’s it.
We lived in different countries for 8 years until I moved to their town in order to be closer and build a relationship and have cousins for the kids. At first this seemed to be happening, and we were all close. Our girls are only 6 months apart and get on like a house on fire. But for the past 3 years, we have been really drifting to the point I fee quite heartbroken about it.
Our financial situation has dramatically changed. I feel it might be related to that but I don’t know and it’s not something you can bring up.
My husband suddenly started earning more than 15 times his previous annual salary, he started a business that took off very quickly. We were able to buy a really nice house, having previous been renting a small flat from my in laws. It was at this time that I noticed my sister in law stopped coming when we invited them over.
In that time, they’ve had us to theirs once. In 3 years. To show us their renovations. My brother struggles with depression and so I try to stay in touch a lot and help out, I drop meals over when they’re not well or very stressed etc. SIL spends a lot more than they can afford and a few times my brother has asked me for loans or grocery money. He has a secret bank account for household spending that she doesn’t know about. That’s another issue (theirs obviously), but again the financial thing.
I have recently had to say: “Can I please come in for a cup of tea?”. They don’t offer. But they do have other people over. I invite them over and they usually come! And seem to enjoy themselves (don’t rush off etc). But they never ever ask us back.
They live 10 minutes away, and we don’t see them for months. They come to the playground a block from my house, they never call in or invite us to join them.
But my brother had a nervous breakdown last year and he called me. We gave them some money, no repayment expected. I took the kids so he could go to the Dr and stayed that night, and cleaned his house. We were talking on the phone. He got a lot better health wise. And then now again... back to nothing.
My sister in law and I had a baby a couple of months apart last year. She didn’t once ask to meet for the whole of the maternity leave.
I’m really feeling like I’m not good enough to be friends with, but am good for emergencies or a loan. I love my brother, he’s a good person. I want it to be better.
I haven’t said anything. But more and more I want to! But when you say it, you can’t put it back.
I want to say: “I feel like you don’t want a close relationship with me, is that correct?” Or “why don’t you invite me to visit?” Or “how can we make it better do you not like me/my kids/my husband?”
Or do I just continue to be sad about it? I’ll never cut them off, he’s my only family and I wish it was different.