AIBU

[em90792]

My ex husband is refusing to see his children...

He stopped about 8 weeks ago due to covid19.
Bit of background, he disappeared when we split for maybe a year/year and a half. Boys are now 5 and 6. He has been seeing them regularly-ish for around 2 years ish.

His house: Remarried, child of around 2 years living with him. He is a delivery driver (nights - fruit and veg round) so minimal contact with outside world. Shes working from home part time I believe.

Ours: me, 3 boys and new partner. Pregnant. I'm currently home permanently. We cant go anywhere anyway as partner has car. He is working but alone, on a empty building. So again very minimal contact. Weve been out maybe once to a shop in 2 weeks. Getting delivery slots and so on.

He originally expressed he needed to self isolate due to his daughter having symptoms, then lockdown began and he insisted it was too dangerous as I am pregnant. Were now 8 weeks in, and I.believe the gov advice is if you have children with separate parents they can see both.
We have said this and got a firm no so I suggested that he come to ours, wash his hands, take the boys for their daily excircise and leave. Maybe once a week. He basically said no as it was too high risk.

He has video called 3 times in the 8 weeks, we suggested twice a week.

My reasons for thinking he should see them:
I am worried the minimal contact will have an effect on the boys. We had a long period of time where he didnt a couple years ago and the damage it did was horrible. I had angry hurt boys and alot of issues. (also potentially relevant - he took me to court for access to start seeing boys again as I wasnt happy for him to have them overnight, with new partner and so on immediately after not seeing them for over a year and them being so young so as we couldnt agree he took me to court. I suggested a plan and the court accepted my plan and awarded that for contact)
Also, they are his children.. he should be bloody seeing them. However that may be. Video , daily excircise, his usually fortnightly weekends.
And, finally. I'm bloody exhausted. Homeschooling 2 children, with a 2 year old, doing a degree and trying to keep a house together is hard. A hour off to just breath would be lovely. Obviously if I dont get that hour then fine, I'm not going to abandon my children.. but you know. It's hard going!

My partner thinks I should just ignore it, but I cant help but worry were heading right back to where we were before and that it's going to cause problems if this lockdown doesnt ease a little any time soon. He suggested he thinks it will be for a few more months at least which he doesnt seem bothered about. His new wife is a bit dramatic, and has been known to kick off in the past when my ounger child had chicken pox and the older 2 went to their dads (both had it young so couldnt have it) so I do wonder if there is an element of that here...

So, AIBU to expect him to see his children?
Yes, I'm being unreasonable .
No, no not unreasonable he should see them.

I think this is a tough situation all round and does sound like he could be using lockdown to get out of parenting a bit. But it could be genuine concerns.
Either way ultimately right now there is nothing you can do about it. I would settle in for having no expectations of him, then you wont be disappointed. If he does come good, then amazing. But this way you won't expect anything different.

I don't think YABU to feel the way you do but I think he sounds like a pretty lackluster father and I would be wary of setting the kids up for disappointment in later years.

Yes, he might have genuine concerns over Covid-19 but that doesn't excuse him from only contacting them three times in eight weeks.

Whether it's a genuine concern regarding covid or trying to get out of parenting, I feel that if he wanted to contact his children he would have.
He doesn't have to physically see them. Theres plenty of tech out there now for video calling and it sounds like he doesn't even want to do that.
I'd be wary.
Not much you can do right now but I would remember his actions. Maybe even document them. So he can't use covid as an excuse later should god forbid another court session happens.

YANBU but you are being unrealistic. He doesn't care enough about them to be bothered, covid is just a very convenient excuse for him, and I think deep down you know this. Keep documenting everything and if he attempts to go back to court you'll be able to wipe the floor with him.

YANBU.

OP I have an exh doing exactly the same thing. In fact within half an hour of Boris giving his statement all those weeks ago, ex had text to say "looks as though I won't get to see the kids for a while. At least I can video call them". I will say though that he has been over a couple of
times and taken them for a walk with the dogs.

The difference being is that I KNOW for a fact he's using it as a huge excuse. He's become more and more useless over the years. He used to have them very regularly when we first separated but that has slowly dwindled to one overnight every other weekend. He's had a string of girlfriends. He's now engaged to be married. They have no children together. He's selfish through and through and now prioritises his gym/workouts/exercise/studying to become a PT, over seeing his children.

They are 12 & 9 and have now come to the point where they really don't like going there anyway. They love their dad but his life is worlds alway from bringing up children. I would say he's completely lost touch with how to.

I have a new baby with my partner so it's been a rather busy time for us all. I feel fortunate that I am on maternity leave.

You have my sympathy - it's a tricky one all round. It sounds as though your ex could be using it as an excuse but I know there are lots of people out there who are being very cautious about not passing their children from one parent's
household to another.

My son lives with me. At the start of this his dad and I agreed that he would stay away. As it is, he has been over for a short garden visit a handful of times to coincide with picking up something or other (work related). Ex lives with OW and DS hasn’t been there yet and doesn’t want to at the moment. He has has little to do with her. Fine with me, Ex usually sees him here. If he chose to stay away entirely I would be fine with that. Just because children are allowed to move between parents households doesn’t mean they should. Any mixing of households has to increase risk. I agree their dad should skype more but some find it hard to chat in forced circumstances. I can chat well on the phone with DS but him snd his dad sometimes struggle. Other times it goes well. They Speak every week and text in between. Its ad hoc though as DS is a bit older.

This sounds like it is mostly about you getting a break from your kids. You have a partner. Can’t he help more if you are feeling exhausted. What would happen if they were all his? You wouldn’t get a break from them then!

@scarlettpixie New partner is very hands on and let's me have a break as and when I need, so really that's not the.huge issue. I think I'm concerned what the situation will be if this continues for many more months. Maybe I'll have a better idea tomrorow on maybe how long this could be for.

I think maybe one of my issues is that I have always expected more from him.as hes genrally pretty useless. Doesnt pay anything for.them or support them at all etc but has the money. Doesnt spend much time with them etc. I get very frustrated by it all and just dont understand it whatsoever as a parent. I know that is my issue. But the children have started to notice and I worry how we go forward after say months and months of nothing. Do I just let him continue to be an arse ? I'm 99.9% sure its excuses as I know from previous experiences.
We had little of.issues in the marriage of domestic abuse and other things so I think maybe I need to just accept he is a waste of space, but as you probably would all agree it's hard to accept when you think your children deserve better. Again I know.my choice to have children with him... I had my rose tinted spectacles on for the entire.marriage and I have to live with.that...