To be really upset and guilt-ridden by the new NSPCC ad?

[Stressingismyhobby]

Please don't read if you're easily upset by this sort of thing.

It shows a real life call handler explaining a call where a woman called in because she could hear her neighbour shouting at her child "which bit of your teddy bear shall I cut off? This bit?" And the child was crying "no mummy!" Turned out to be an awful case of neglect of a 3 year old. Totally understand the ads need to be hard hitting but I'm scarred by it and holding in sobs.

What makes it worse - and it's so hard to admit this - is the first thing i thought is, "Oh, God, did i ever do something like that??!". It horrifies me that my brain went there and that I'm questioning myself like that. When mine were babies I struggled a lot in the very early days and I was just a massive ball of rage. I shouted at them a lot especially when they were babies (who shouts at a baby???) - I've never felt rage towards an adult the way I did towards them. Which is just awful. I never and would never hurt or abuse them but my God, I can't forgive the way I sometimes shouted at them and I never will. I remember once taking my littlest's favourite teddy away because he was naughty one night and he really cried and I felt like a fucking monster afterwards. Another time, I was shouting at the baby who I couldn't get to nap and found my other child hid in the corner in the other room because she was scared of my shouting.

I adore them completely and absolutely hate myself when I look back. The ad has stirred up all that guilt.

Oh OP it's so hard isn't it. Being a mother has brought out quite an ugly side to me I didn't know I had - I hold in a lot of screams.

I also shouted at mine when they were babies and I wasn't coping. I've sworn at them too. Not proud but my god it's just so hard sometimes.

Hugs for you

How old are they now, grown up?

It's not a new advert, it's been around for several years. But yes, it's heartbreaking and horrible.

Oh, I've never seen it,I thought it was new. I wish I'd turned the tv over.

Thanks @GlummyMcGlummerson for being so honest. I so wish I could go back and make it right. Most of my rage was related to sleep (as in not being able to get them to do it). I'm still so shocked at how motherhood turned me into a total control freak when it came to their sleep. Prior to babies, I'd never had a controlling bone in my body.

They're both under 11.

Yes OP me too, the sleep deprivation was torture and now I'm out of that I'm such a better person! I do feel guilt too for how I couldn't cope and how much i hate motherhood

But reactionary shouting is not the same as the kind of calculated awfulness it would take to chop up a teddy bear

That's the difference OP. I've shouted at mine tonight and they are little, because they just wouldn't go to bed at all. They know I love them though and as soon as they have quieted we are all hugs and kisses together. Do you think the same woman threatening to fucking cut up a teddy bear to distress their 3 year old is doing that? I'm sure you weren't neglectful

My mother did things like that. Held knives to our toys to make us confess to whatever evil she'd imagined we'd done.
Honestly, there's a massive difference between being tired and angry and being the kind of person who does that.

I feel the same OP

I'd never seen it before today and it's been on about 4 times.

I keep having to mute it because it's heartbreaking.

I’m feeling shitty reading this because I once threw my dd’s favourite teddy in the bin. I got him out again and washed him and apologised.

Advert sounds awful. I’m glad I haven’t seen it :-(

Yes, it is heartbreaking that there are parents out there who would abuse their children in this dreadful way.
And don't play the 'I'm anxious/upset/ coping with a bad relationship card....you know who you are.
And you're culpable.
Enough said.

How awful. I could never hurt a teddy, much less a child!

I should probably stop threatening to have my daughter's guts for garters, now I think of it.

Thank you all for being so honest. Feel awful for you but selfishly it makes me feel a bit less abnormal.

@vampirethriller that's awful, I'm so sorry. X

@TheHarryFormerlyKnownAsPrince - oh God, you've reminded me of when my DS was small and being spiteful one day and because I was so obsessed with the fact I didn't want my child to be the kind of kid who hits/kicks, I threatened to put his new toy car in the bin if he didn't stop. He didn't stop. I threw it away. And he sobbed really hard for ages. And worse, I felt really bad after so cuddled him for ages but in a "I'm sorry I've upset you so much but you've got to learn" sort of way rather than realising that he was just doing what toddlers do and was too young to learn that lesson.

Don't be too hard on yourself Stressing
I think we have all said or done things in the heat of the moment that we later regret. Obviously that doesn't mean it is ok, but it is a world away from deliberately and cold heartedly abusing or neglecting a child.
The thing about making mistakes or having regrets is that whilst we can't change them, we can learn from them. If you were the sort of mother like the person in the advert you wouldn't care that there are things that you could have done differently and you wouldn't be upset about shouting and feeling angry in the past. You obviously care a lot. Don't brood on the past, move forwards.

OP I though exactly the same when I heard it for the first time the other day, I also shouted at mine (not all the time or constantly I might add) when he was a baby, full on guilt forever for that though.

Thanks @MrsAvocet

@baubled yes, I didnt do it all the time either. And in lots of ways, believe it or not, the baby years were some of the happiest of my life! But definitely the hardest too. I'm with you on the forever guilt.

I've never seen the advert, but when I read the first paragraph, my first thought was, "Have I ever said anything like that?"

I've definitely threatened to put toys etc. in the bin when they've been arguing over them .

We have all parented imperfectly. Yes, differing degrees of damage will have been done, but you've got to remember that the most dreadful parents don't see what they do. They don't care, they don't scoop toys out of the bin and give cuddles whist feeling pained with guilt and wondering how to get it right next time. Your version isn't 'good enough' (and nor is mine), but you can't compare them to the kind of abuse that you are seeing on the ad. You felt like you were that parent but you weren't. That parent didn't give a crap.

The very fact that you worry about the past, makes you a better mother than you think.

Xxx

@wembollian I'm so glad (that's not the right way of putting it but you know what I mean!) you reacted like that too.

@TenShortStories you've put it really well, thank you.

Thank you all for making me feel I'm not a monster.

Thank you @theneighbourswindchime x

I had four under seven, it was very hard, I shouted at them more than I should have done and I still feel guilty even now they are teenagers. They don't seem to remember any of it, if they do they never mention it. I worried that I had psychologically damaged them but they all seem to have turned out ok. I look back and feel guilty but at the time I was coping with four children all day then going to do gruelling nightshifts a couple of times a week or looking after the kids all week then going to work all weekend. I'm surprised my mental health actually survived intact at all. If my dh hadn't had been as hand on , supportive and patient as he is I would never have coped. My 14year old dd said to me the other day that I had always got angry quickly. The reality was I was permanently knackered and had a short fuse.

Oh OP I remember once when I was about four or five and having constant tantrums my mum completely lost it with me, stormed off shouting that she wished she'd never had me and locked herself in her room for half the day. I'm sure she felt terrible afterwards! But she's a wonderful mum, we talk on the phone every other day and I remember my childhood as being happy and safe and lovely. Small children are just really hard work, and no-one is perfect.

In my old job I sadly came across a few children who came from abusive families, and what you're describing is a million miles from their experience. You don't sound like a horrible person, just like someone who - like many mothers of young children, especially ones who don't sleep well - was doing her best and could have done with some more support during the very difficult early days. Please don't beat yourself up over it

Stressingismyhobby, my heart goes out to you. Almost immediately before reading your post I was feeling terribly guilty, in tears, about happenings of many, many years ago - nothing to do with children, before I was a mother, but pretty rough nonetheless - so I empathise with your feelings. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing to do even when years have gone by and others have forgotten.

Beating ourselves up does absolutely no good. You're different now to how you were then, you were only human (still are) and worn out at that time. It's over, you love your children.

Like the Pp I also threw a teddy in the bin and had to retrieve him, (crying) wash him and dry him. Parenting can be incredibly hard. Sleep deprivation can make the kindest person lose their temper. I have had nights where I have sat and sobbed at how badly I have dealt with something that happened at bedtime.
I had health issues and a non sleeping child, but even Dh , who is pretty calm, has occasionally lost his rag and been shouty. He was calmer with toddlers, I am calmer with teens. ( getting sleep now and my health issue being better managed is part of that ).