To ask if you grew up without a father in your life and if so, how did it affect you?

[phoebemakesnoise]

Hi everyone. I'm a single mum of a 5 and 1 year old. Their father has no contact through his own choice. They're pretty happy kids so far but obviously they're young and I wonder what affect not having their dad around may have on them in the future. Does anyone have personal experience of this? Thank you :-)

I would say it’s better not to have any contact at all rather than have one who half-heartedly flits in and out of their life. They won’t miss what they’ve never had. I do speak from experience.

I agree that’s it’s better for him to be in no contact at all. A dad who half-asses it causes more damage in my experience.

I have never had contact with mine, I have an idea who it may be but him and my mother were never together. It never bothered me until I was a teenager, I went through a really bad time and wish I had a father to rescue me, however as I got older and see the people my mother gets involved with, I think I am better off without him. I was lucky that my grandfather was a father figure to me but he died when I was young. I think sometimes we have a rosy eyed view of the people that were never there but sometimes its a good thing they weren't around.

I agree with others it’s much easier to have no contact it’s harsh but it’s very clear from the start.

I had a father who was in and out of my life and it bothered me mainly when I had my own child as they get older they ask innocent questions... I wish my mother put her foot down for her own sake as well as mine.

I think it depends enormously on circumstances. A disinterested father isn’t much of a father.
My father died when I was a child and it did have an impact on us, both financially and socially but times have changed. I think his earlier good parenting left us bereft but with a positive experience of men.

Never knew mine, don't even know his name, has made no difference to me at all.

Its honestly made zero difference to my life. They will be grand with just you don't worry at all.

Agree with previous posters, much easier to have no contact than some. The kids at my primary school who sat waiting by the window for their P.O.S dads to turn up (and a lot of times they didn't!) that messed them up.
I met my half sister when we were both adults. She spent her whole life with our dad and was so different because of it. I got to be a kid, she was basically a carer. Waiting for him to roll home, drunk, hit his wife, pass out. She married at 18 and had a kid the next year, no youth, but then she didn't have that at home either!
One thing I struggle with is as a woman raised by nearly all strong women, I have a real problem with male authority figures. In general I find it very difficult to respect them or take orders from them. I always have done since childhood.

I have never known my Dad. My Mum was very open with me and I knew his name and saw photos of him etc. from an early age. She and the rest of my family never said negative things about him (despite him doing a bunk when I was 4 weeks old and never having paid a penny in support). My Mum and I are very close, I have never mourned the loss of a father. I could have found him pretty easily, but figured that went both ways and was never curious enough to do it. I found out a while ago that he had died (saw obituary) but didn't feel any regret. I have always been very happy in my relationships and have now been married to my lovely husband for 14 years. I can't say it's affected me negatively at all and my Mum is my complete hero!

My dad is a half arsed moron - I suggest no contact at all if the man is half arsed.
Can cause severe abandonment and trust issues.

My DM is amazing!!

My Dad died when I was one and my sister was 7. Growing up there was sadness . But seeing the strength that my Mum had and what she did by herself probably helped me become the person that I am today: resilient and on the whole self reliant. I've always had determination of purpose.

Different experience for me completely, i would say having no father had a big emotional effect on me. I have issues still about not being wanted or good enough

my father was never present when he actually lived with us- basically ignored us kids (think he never wanted any) or hit us..
when my parents finally split when I was around 9, it was sheer relief.
No more arguments or violence.
Never saw him again (well spotted him in the street some years later, but pretended I had not).
Never ever missed having a father figure, and I had no grandfathers to fill that role.
I like to think I have grown up sane and balanced!

I find some of these comments surprising as my kids dad is absent and it’s definitely effected them. Dd constantly asks why she doesn’t have a dad like her friends and even started calling teachers at school “dad” and one point. She use to cry about it a lot. Thankfully the crying has stopped now but she still mentions it from time to time.

Never knew mine, don't even know his name, has made no difference to me at all. Same here. He's not a real person to me.

@PumpkinP I'm sorry to hear that your dd is struggling. I guess the environment you grow up in must have an impact too, I grew up in a very deprived area so completely normal to have an absent dad, dad in prison, junkie dad, absent mum. Lots of kids were being raised by grandparents. If I grew up in a very MC area I think I would have noticed how different my family set up was compared to the 'norm.'

Half arsed Dad, strong single Mum.

I eventually chose to go NC with my Dad at 16 because he did something which really hurt my feelings and my Mum empowered me enough to have the confidence to call him out on his bullshit.

I won't lie I have trust issues, very little respect for men and abandonment issues. On the plus side those fears have made me into a very independent, take no shit, happy-to-be-singleton because I feel safer that way. I no longer date knobheads although there were a couple when I was younger. I recognise the pattern of my behaviour back then but I also wonder if I'll ever be emotionally healthy for a relationship in future.

One thing my Mum did right was she never ever spoke badly about him, she let me come to my own decisions and opinions and supported me in my choices. She also reiterated that his issues were his issues, and that they had nothing to do with me. I think this massively helped to reduce the blame stage I went through as a child and young teenager where I felt I wasn't good enough for him and his love, so by 16 I fully knew he was the one who wasn't good enough for me, and chose to bin him from my life to protect my mental health.

Yes. My dad left when I was a baby. I did see him from time to time growing up (when he remembered to turn up). I Don’t think it’s affected me negatively. Where I lived most of us grew up with Only one parent so it was pretty normal.

I’m in touch with my dad now, ( for just over a year ). We had planned to meet up in March lockdown out paid to that. I‘M nearly 50 now, I don’t have any bad feeling towards him.

Yes you are probably right Makinitrain we don’t know anyone else with an absent dad so she certainly feels different.

I grew up with a father but it was almost worse than not having one as he was a criminal waste of space. It’s caused me long term issues but made me much more resilient and ensured I won’t make the same mistakes or allow my son to experience the same issues.