To not be fully comfortable with this man being called grandsd by my children.

[GJAK9729]

Have two children with my partner. Partner has never had his bio dad around, his mum has a long term partner but my partner doesn’t consider him a stepdad as such because he was an adult when they met and never became overly close to him.

My partners mum has always insisted my dc call her partner grandad so they can be granny & grandad. Doesn’t sound too bad on paper but I’ve never been fully comfortable with it. Not because he isn’t biologically related to them. But because ‘grandad’ abandoned his own children when they were young.

I always knew ‘grandad’ had a child. In fact coincidentally I actually know her but not well. He hasn’t bothered with her for a long time and has never met her children - his grandchildren. But I know things happen and relationships become strained.

This is coming from me a 30 year old who’s never met her bio dad.

Also this week I’ve found out ‘grandad’ has at least 4 other children from first wife who he completely abandoned in childhood. It’s a small place, things get around. It’s weird because he’s never mentioned his children or anything. I’ve been with my partner and known him for several years now.

Now this is none of my business really. All his children have children apparently.

Aibu to think he shouldn’t really he called grandad when he doesn’t see his own children or met his grandchildren?? I know relationships break down and not seeing children sadly happens quite often but I feel awful. I don’t know my dad. He has never bothered with me but has younger children. I feel a bit pushed out. How do ‘grandads’ children feel? They did know him at one point if he was married to their mum.

I don’t know if they have seen anything but partners mum has posted photos of them with out children etc. If they look at his or her profile they might see it.

The worst thing they live very locally so can’t use distance as an excuse.

Aibu to think it’s odd she wants him to be called grandad?? He’s okay with my children, I can sense they annoy him when we go over there sometimes (obviously not at the minute), when they were babies he refused to hold them, I wouldn’t say he acts like a grandad to them at all.

Yanbu. MY DC's had a step grandad but it was their choice to call him Grandad, it happened naturally after they developed a relationship with him.
I think your Mum is seeing the situation through rose tinted spectacles, and will get annoyed if you try to get her to take them off.

I’m in quite a similar position.

My DM met her new partner seven years ago and I was largely estranged from my DF since the age of 18 (I’m 32 now.) DS is 4 this week and DM insisted her new partner be called Grandad.

At the time, my DF was still alive and did meet DS once when he was around 6 months. To his day, I’ve probably met my mums new partner less than 20 times, although some of those times are when I’ve stayed at their house, maybe 6/7 times.

This man had a child when he was 21 ish and chose to have nothing to do with them, which I think is disgusting.

At the same time, DP was adopted by his father when he was 2, after his mother went out on purpose to become pregnant and never told the father. DS also calls this man grandad, and DP calls him Dad. This man, too, has children from a previous relationship who he also has nothing to do with, despite them being teenagers when he left.

I’ve got nothing useful to say as, while I think neither deserve the title, it makes no odds to ds, makes both MIL and DM happy and thus giving me an easier life.

It does, however, make me dislike and have very little respect for men as it just seems so commonplace.

Well he may have had issues with his own children but if heis a constant figure n yur childrens lives and is a long term partner. (as opposed to current boy friend.) Then I thik he is a grandad figure and they should be allowed to call him that. Really though I think it,s up to your partner not you.

He is using your dc to rewrite his history.
Yanbu to use his name instead.
Your dm can at happy families but you don't have to join in..
Correct her evey time.
Or ask about the dd of his that you know. May shut him up trying to gate crash your family.

My DD's grandmother died when my husband was a young adult. My DD is 13, and calls her Grandad's second wife a version of her real name (because she couldn't say it when she was a toddler) which has stuck. DD's always called her father's mother Nanny . She has never called her Grandad's second wife Nanny, to make the distinction. On my side, she has a Nana and a Grandad.

I'd imagine the children will call him what you call him, if they don't see them that often then just use his name.
I agree it's not the same when the relationship isn't there. My kids used to call my mums bf by his name but luckily everyone was happy with that.

I am a dgm. My dh came into ds's life when he was 19. Never lived together. Ds had a ds. Ds suggested dh would be Grandad - dil agreed. Would never have tried to force or nag for it!!
He is actually Grumpa!!

I referred to him by his first name with the kids so they always called him ‘bob’ rather than grandad which was not going to happen!!!

Sounds like it's your partner's mum that's pushing the 'grandad' issue, doesn't it? Not so much the bloke in question?

Thanks all. I understand all families come in different shapes and sizes. My children call my stepdad grandad - he has been a massive part of mine and their lives. I have no problems with step grandparents being called granny and grandad etc etc. My issue is only with the fact he abandoned children from his first and it seems second marriage!

YANBU. I grew up calling my dad’s stepdad grandpa. After my grandmother passed away, my parents dropped that pretence so it was clearly for her benefit. I also found out quite a lot of unsavoury things about him later on (abandoned one child, denied the paternity of another couple, seems to have been quite abusive towards my dad to name but a few issues). Basically, I wish we’d never bothered calling him grandpa. He was a dick.

I would also worry about his commitment to your dm /your family given his track record. My own df dumped my dc...
Not pleasant for dc ime..

Just refer to them as Granny and Clive and the children will pick it up, no drama needed.