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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my DP needs to grow some balls with this?

9 replies

orangedod · 07/05/2020 14:23

So, DP has children with a previous partner.

She took them out of school weeks before they even closed, which was fine by him.
He assumed he'd still be seeing them in one form or another.

Anyway it's been nearly nine weeks and she hasn't allowed him at all. No one in their household is vulnerable, everyone in ours is isolated.
She also hasn't brought them for a single walk in eight weeks so they've had no exercise, and hasn't done a single bit of their homeschooling stuff.
She says she can't leave the house because she's paranoid and they just don't want to do the schoolwork.

DP is really unhappy with all of this. He doesn't agree with the lack of exercise/work and he's been absolutely miserable about not seeing his children and being shot down every time he makes an offer.

I'm always very on the sidelines and keep out of it but I'm getting frustrated as he just isn't saying anything or bringing this up with her!
He hasn't said one thing about his concerns with the lack of education and exercise.
I also think he should confront her about being stopped seeing them, I personally don't think it's right at all, especially when he's offering stuff like just coming to sit in their garden at a distance and she's saying no.

Am I wrong?? Does she have a right to all of this without DP having a say at all? I hate seeing him miserable but Jesus Christ..... it just seems like I'm getting all the misery from it but he's not prepared to actually bring it up properly with her!

OP posts:
VeganCow · 07/05/2020 14:54

des he usually see them with no problems from the ex?

chunkycoke · 07/05/2020 14:55

Is she usually difficult

Stronger76 · 07/05/2020 14:59

If he wanted it that badly he could really simply apply to court for access. A couple of hundred quid, a bit of research to find the right form, and voilà, he sees the kids. Simple.

If he's not prepared to do that he needs to shut up. Put his money where his mouth is and do his kids a favour.

*note - my ex doesn't see the kids because he can't be arsed, no doubt he's told all and sundry I've blocked contact but zero applications via solictor/court and bloody hell I'd give them away to the circus most days at the moment...

LannieDuck · 07/05/2020 15:00

What's his normal contact arrangement? Children are still allowed to move between households at the moment.

If she's paranoid and overwhelmed, maybe he could offer to have the kids full time for the next month or so?

orangedod · 07/05/2020 15:40

She's never usually very difficult.
He has them to stay every weekend and will try and have them for tea several times a week depending on work times (always at least once).
He's an amazing dad and has always had them as much as he can while he isn't working.

@Stronger76 with the current situation, we don't have a few hundred quid to throw at court, as I'm sure most people don't.

My point was more that he just seems to not pull her up on this stuff.
She isn't usually very difficult but there's definitely been stuff that isn't right in the past that she should be pulled up on and he never has so it isn't a first.

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 07/05/2020 15:55

Sounds like the ex is scared shitless to me. Regardless of whether we think she's overreacting or not, she's scared for herself and the children.

If you go in all guns blazing with this 'grow some balls and pull her up' shite then she'll just retreat further. A kinder approach is needed here.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/05/2020 16:03

He needs to do something, but I'd focus but on supporting her to take a more realistic view, especially for the kids.

LannieDuck · 07/05/2020 18:01

He needs to start getting more vocal about resuming normal contact patterns. There's guidance on various government websites about what's acceptable at the moment.

As I said in an earlier comment, if she's that worried about infection, I would also offer to have them here exclusively for the next month. She's had 9 weeks, so now it's their father's turn.

MissEliza · 07/05/2020 18:04

They haven't done a single bit of their home schooling? That's appalling and negligent. Being scared of the virus is no excuse for not parenting.

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