Illicit encounters has put me off marriage

[lilliemai]

I know this will come across strange.

As part of a research project in my industry my assignment was to sign up to a website like illicit encounters (any affair website) for research.
DP knows and I'm engaged. The profile was my personality, but fake name, no pictures.

I wasn't really expecting much as I thought I knew but turns out there is this underground world.

I was on it for 24 hours in total. My age was the same (25) which led to just influx of messages. I received around 100.

The general consensus was:

• these men had no harm in advertising their marriage, wedding rings clearly visible, pictures their wife probably took, family home can be easily seen

• they ALL explained that they love their wives, never want to leave them, have kids, but need fun.

• they are happy to talk about their relationship and their children - even giving details of their work, their children's hobbies, their wife's hobbies etc.

• they have had relationships. They seem to mainly want a longer term affair partner, they talk about their relationships quite openly and how long they lasted.

I found it bizarre! I just can't believe it. I assume the wives of these men thought (or think) they're with good people. The majority are all businessmen, accountants/legal.

It was a work project that has really thrown me. I don't want to be with someone who does this to me, I also imagine you'd struggle to find out? They all use kik and secret messaging apps I never knew existed.

Am I really this naive?

Not naive just not a cheater! This culture has always existed though

I wouldn't let it put you off marriage. That just seems bizarre. That's like saying somebody drowned in a pool once so I won't go in one.

Some people do cheat because they're assholes, some people know their partners are having affairs and don't mind so much because they get to keep a happy partner the rest of the time. I wonder if there's a lot of these people on these websites?

A couple that live near me (both mid 60s) have had several affairs each, are both aware of it going on and both ok about it because they have a happy marriage the rest of the time. Odd to me, but works for them.

They always mention being discreet which I suppose means they can't know?
They have time limits on when you can message them if on WhatsApp etc, make sure you don't phone them, all kinds!

I know it seems daft. My first long term relationship was abusive and he cheated and gaslighted me - I was young and he was older so I already feel some what scarred.

I feel like I'll always want to know. I know at present my DP isn't doing these things but what if we stop having sex or I have babies? I feel like these men are probably good husbands in every other aspect. It makes me so sad.

Bear in mind this was a website for people looking to cheat, so hardly representative! I firmly believe that most men are not looking for affairs at every opportunity. If you love and trust your fiancé, don’t judge him through the lens of these grim men.

What zscaler has said. This website isn't representative of all men. Just some assholes.
If we found a website of good husbands then there would be an equal amount of those.

Yeah but put it into context: a website specifically for people looking for affairs is not going to be populated with quality men, is it? All the dickheads are just gathered in one place. Think about all the ones that aren’t on there. That’s the overwhelming majority. It’s definitely more unlikely to happen to you than it is for you to unwittingly date or marry one of these men. I hope!!!

What did you expect on that website?

It's the same as the Ashley Madison website. Women get inundated in these sites.

I did something similar to you for research purposes and signed up to a website.. it was a live chat type of site....I can't remember the name, but within minutes, I was flooded with requests from men.

They were all in relationships or married. I dragged it out and asked more questions.
I got all sorts of replies and one guy lived in America, he said he'd been cheating for years, that he travelled to the UK on business and we could hook up.

Others talked of sexless marriages etc. Some seemed very lonely and just wanted to chat, without any sexual ideas. I found it quite interesting and eye opening. I learned about some things I've never heard of as far as relationships go.

I was just floored with the way they swoop on you, but it's because there is a higher number of men on their, so women are like gold.

You've gone on a website dedicated to men who want to philander, and you're surprised to find philanders?

That's like coming on Mumsnet and expecting not to see vipers.

Were you surprised that mumsnet was full of mums too?

I know that the website is dedicated to it but was shocked at just how many men are ready for it, how they've got away with it, and how they're not even unhappy in their marriages! It is literally just greediness. And this is the men wanting to pay to access a site, there is obviously more!