Competitive friends

[cookiesandcream27]

I have a group of 4 (5 including me) really close friends. We all had kids around the same time and the kids are friends too. They are great women and we have supported each other through divorces, babies, mental health troubles, everything.

The one issue I have is that they are all (but two in particular) so so competitive with each other. If one gets something the other has to get it. During lockdown one of them has just redone her garden and the next day the other send pictures of all the things she'd ordered. If ever there is a debate about something neither will let it lie - they have to win the debate. There's so much more, these are just recent examples.

I'm quite laid back and find it all exhausting. I know people will say not to be friends with them but other than this they are good friends! I tend to just ignore and not engage when the group chat goes in this direction but it's so irritating! Why are people like this with people that are meant to be their friends?!

How old are these people? It just sounds so strange and childish. If they’re that good friends of yours can you not say something too them? If it was my 2 best friends I’d tell them they were being total pillocks.

I think it often comes from people’s insecurities, they feel the need to ‘keep up’ and show how well they’re doing in case people think otherwise. When the reality is people don’t really care as much as they think. But when they find other people the same way, it spurs them on and ends up becoming a sad little battle.

I think your response is best, don’t engage - don’t feed etc. Just try to remember how exhausting it must be for them.

Nowt as queer as folk

🤷

I'd laugh and say 'are you two having a competition?'

One of my friends is like this with me. So when I got a cleaner she said “but it wouldn’t take long clean your house, why don’t you do it yourself?”, and when I was getting the outside of my house painted she said something along the lines of “well, ours cost X to paint so yours couldn’t cost even half of that”, similarly there was a comment about the size of my garden and the upkeep in it compared to hers. I really don’t know why she bothers- I never engage with her on it, we both have the same job and earn exactly the same, her husband is a SAHD so it’s not like there’s a vast income difference, we just choose to spend our money differently, which is perfectly reasonable as we have different lifestyles and commitments. But she always makes comments about the size of my house/garden relative to hers.

You are too invested in this if you find it exhausting.
What do the other two in the group do- probably completely ignore which is what you should do.

I had a friend like that. Got rid 4 years ago and haven't looked back, she was exhausting. Funnily enough she's lost 2 more friends since then. She'll never realise she's the problem tho.

I possibly am a bit invested if it irritates me, I never thought of it like that! Even though I don't engage I suppose I do find myself thinking 'well my garden isn't that nice' and stuff. I'm just too lazy to do anything about it

I do think it possibly comes from a place of insecurity. I just find it sad that as friends they have to resort to being like this with one another. I sort of understand the keeping up with the Jones mentality even though that's ridiculous as well. But to do it with those closest to you just seems daft. We all know each other's dark, embarrassing and dismal pasts so what's the point trying to get one up on each other now!