To ask for advice on what to do next

[Tinyhumansurvivalist]

This may be long so I'm sorry!

Ex and I have dd (6) and he has 2 from previous marriage... dss (17) and dsd (15). I was in SC's lives from them being 6 & 8 I adore them, still see and speak regularly up to lockdown, they are not the issue at all. But ex was/is a Disney dad. Absolutely elated to be there for the fun stuff but flatly refuses to actually parent.

Since ex and I split unofficially 3 years ago but I only moved out 18 months ago due to joint finances etc. Was relatively amicable, we have stayed friends, no one else involved in terms of affair, but I got fed up of being bottom of a very long list that included prioritising his exw over me, his car, basically everything came ahead of me. The kids i expected damn I encouraged, but the rest was hideous. I left

There is a catalogue of utter knobish behaviour that has put dd at risk. She has severe allergies to some pretty random stuff but can go into anaphylaxis without warning as a lot are environmental and as yet undetermined. But she has food allergies too. He kept giving her things she was allergic to. Think peanut allergy and given a snickers bar under the guise of "I didn't think"

Arguments were had. Threats issued over stopping contact. I thought he had improved. I was wrong.

At Christmas he stayed up half the night playing video games and then went to bed at 5am, he didn't get up til gone lunch time and left our dd alone. He swore it was a one off. I flipped out big time, banned all overnight contact, spoke to school as dd alleged this was not the first time. School supported me, agreed that had dd alerted them they would have been duty bound to involve social services due to safeguarding.

Flip forward to now, he has met every demand I made, has proved himself to be more engaged and trustworthy. I have this week allowed overnight contact to resume.

We have spoken daily to ensure dd is happy, safe etc. All good. Til last night he announced he didn't know if he wanted her tonight as he "might be sick of her by then". Raised my hackles but I chalked it up to taking the piss and let the comment slide.

Roll on to today, I rang after work to make arrangements to give dd her weekly chemo. Cue every excuse under the sun why he can't have her tonight, and they were genuinely pathetic. "I have a pain in my arm, it comes and goes but I think she'd be better with you" every one angled to make me to offer to have her. I didn't because he has a history of telling dd that "mummy is making you go home" when she gets upset and I am sick of being the bad guy.

I am steaming. He basically said he has a bit of pain and now doesn't want dd. I live in constant pain, I have been waiting for a critical operation for 10 years because I am not old enough for the surgeon to do it due to risks apparently.

I am livid that after 2 bloody days he has decided enough is enough and wants rid of dd.

But what do I do? He will keep doing this to her, letting her down, hurting her and I cannot keep watching the devastation in her eyes. I grew up with a dickhead for a dad who outrightly told me at her age that as far as he was concerned he only had one child and it wasn't me so I know what this can do to her. But it may also colour my judgement.

My gut says massively limit his contact. But is that fair? Can I do that? There is no court order and I am not bothered baout the money, I have had her every night for 5.5 months and he has never once upped his maintenance and I haven't asked so please don't think this is about money because it isn't. I would rather he paid nothing and parented her!

But what do I do?

Can anyone offer advice at all please?

Make him pay for the additional time you have her, he might then want to have her because it costs him not to. Does he see your step children more often than he sees your daughter? At 6 I would say she probably does know it’s not mummy saying you need to go home, so I would say dad says he doesn’t feel well and he told me you had to come home to combat that bit and make him the bad guy. Although she might then feel sorry for him.

He would happily pay if I mentioned it. The money is not the issue and I don't want it to end up being that he only sees her to save money. That will be even more damaging for her.

She is a worrier so telling her daddy is poorly won't help, especially if he has already told her that mummy has said no she can't stay... I know he does this because I have been stood there when he has done it.

He has called at my parents today to drop off her school stuff, at 1130 he told mum he'd be there soon. I arrived at 1420 having booked a couple of hours off work to spend with her and he was driving away as I drove up the road. He has apparently told my mum that I asked for her to come back to me.

He is an absolute lying scumbag.

And my step kids are 17 & 15 so they let themselves in and out of his house as they please. I think they only go when their mum pisses them off too much! They can do what they want at his, no rules etc so dsd probably spends about 60% of her time there and dss spends about 80-90% there at the moment.

Sorry just to be clear he only turned up just before I saw him drive away... He wasn't there from 1130.

Okay well your mum is a grown adult so you can tell her he was lying just to get out of childcare duties and at least they then know what he is. Can you talk to him (calmly) and tell him you do not want him saying that to her again? Can you tell him he needs to have a pattern of seeing her that she becomes aware of and he can add to the pattern but not reduce it unless there is genuine ill health not just an ache?

Phase him out.
Send her over every Saturday afternoon or similar.
Sit back and wait for him to get a new partner living with him, then watch as the contact increases and she provides the role I bet you did, for his older children.

My mum is aware he was lying. She just chooses to say nothing. I get it, she wants to be neutral and he is her access to my step kids. They were her first grandkids. She adores them. They adore her too!

@Ellisandra his shift pattern means he only has 1 weekend in 6 off which is why we have always done 50/50 but dd has struggled with it. He is often late for school when he has her so I will be stopping him having her overnight but I'm not sure what the best compromise would look like. For the last 5 months she has maintained seeing him the same pattern 50/50 but he brings her home to sleep or if I can't have her she goes to my mum. I wanted to trust him, to think that he had maybe learned his lesson. I fully expected him to screw up just thought it would take a few more weeks!

I want to put an email together detailing the fact that in spite of encouragement and being given every opportunity he has still failed to prioritise our dd. That dumbass excuses like a sore arm are not reasons to duck out on his responsibility as a parent and that as he shows such little regard for her and the truth that until further notice he will have scheduled visits on X dates but no overnight contact. Should he cancel for anything other than genuine debilitating illness then all contact will cease as his pick up and drop attitude is harming her.

I want to send it, but I have no idea what he would do. I have no idea if legally I would have a leg to stand on.

Does your daughter enjoy spending time there? If she’s often being left on her own until he gets up a midday maybe she doesn’t even want the contact.

Send the email. If he chases custody through the courts he can’t back out of the days they agree to set via court order as that will just end in the court order being revoked.
As much as she loves him I would limit contact to a few hours here and there as it’s going to be damaging when she notices it’s dad who doesn’t want her there (and she will notice)

@wegohigh yeah but more because its her main source of contact with her brother and sister I think... Not to mention unregulated time on YouTube.

@lastnamechanger would a court see me as being a bitch for it though? I wouldn't want to jeopardise my relationship with her, and I wouldn't want to risk them ruling in his favour

The courts would see you as prioritising your DD and as long as you were still open with contact just not overnights they would understand that you didn’t cut them out of spite.
Keep a diary listing all the times he’s let her down and exactly what you’ve put in here because if it ever does go to court it will save you from trying to remember dates and times for your lawyer.

By the sounds of it though he will be happy with a few hours contact here and there and won’t pursue overnights. He’s clearly an irresponsible lazy parent.