to be REALLY annoyed at ex-mil.(quite long)

[Lorayn]

to cut a long story short, ds(2) and dd(6) are not allowed to go to their dads house, partly because when we were together he was violent and I discovered he was taking cocaine, alot of it. When I caught him doing this and then a week later with his erm meber in someone elses mouth i understandably ended it. I tried time and time again to get him to have a good relationship with my children, to no avail, I then met and moved in with a wonderful guy and we now live about 35 miles away. When we moved we arranged for him to see dc's every so often , we would drive them there or pick them up and he would do the otehr journey, this lasted for about 4/6 weeks when he started to make up excuses/not turn up etc, so I put my foot down, he is not allowed them in his sole care. His mother still wanted to see the kids so the arrangement changed to her having them every so often (apparently he goes round for tea when they are there but then buggers off straight to the pub, I have also heard from people close to him he is still doing cocaine) As his mother sometimes works weekends (she is a pub landlady) dc's started going over on a friday night, staying at his sisters house with their cousins and spending saturday daytime with nanny. I was totally ok with this. DC's hadnt been to nanny's for around two months when she called and asked to have them, she picked them up friday not saying anything. Saturday when they get home DD tells me that they stayed at their aunts house BUT she wasnt there and nor was her partner, the only adult there was their father and everyone else stayed out over night, IMO this is just as bad as them being at his house in his sole care and I am angry that I wasnt consulted. I feel like I have been betrayed and lied to so I have told 'nanny' that she can only have the children from now on if they are at her house and in her care, this means she will get to see them less as she will not be able to have them when she works, but tbh they arent bothered about going it is purely for her benefit I allow them to. Does it seem like the best thing to have done??

'erb memer' is meant to read 'erm...member' before everyone tries to work that out!!

I think you sound like you are being more than fair. Whilst I would always want to encourage people to maintain relationships with family members when a realtionship breaks down, in rl grandparents have no rights over their dgc. You had told her the terms for her looking after your dc's and she broke them so I think you are very justified in doing what you have done.

YANBU. She left your DCs in the care of a drug addict, if it was me, think I'd have 2nd thoughts about MIL having kids. Can she be trusted not to do it again?

YANBU she went against ur wishes at the end of the day, my mother is a pub landlady and if she knows we are coming to see her she makes sure she has staff to cover her, it wouldn't be hard for ex mil to get staff in for the night while she had your dc.what was the point in her asking to have them when she knew she was working???????

she had always told me that they were going to his sisters, which had been a regular occurrence when we lived close anyway, tbh I think it was more a case of the sister and her partner using it as an excuse for a babysitter and everyone not thinking I would find out, which for a few hours I didnt, I was told they had stayed at 'auntie martines' which they had, and it was until much later that I asked DD if they had been smoked around as DS's asthma seemed aggravated and I wasnt used to the sister smoking in the house. DD said 'no, dad smoked outside' which was when I questioned her and she informed me her auntie had gone out and stayed at a friends house as had her uncle.
From previous experiences with this family I know that the mother is taken for a fool and put upon quite a lot, so I am not aware if she even knew this would be the situation or maybe did but not until she felt it was too late to cancel and just wanted to see her gc. I am rather disappointed in her not replying though, I was fuming and (being 11weeks pg) not wanting to argue so I just texted her making it clear I new and wasnt happy and what I expected of any future arrangements. I havent had a reply, this was saturday evening, surely at least a sorry should have been sent by now?

Lorayn at best they sound really casual, at worst negligent regarding your children. I wouldn't leave mine with people like that. is it possible for your ex mil to see your children during the week at yours, after your dd comes home from school maybe ? You could stay in the house but be busy upstairs or something to give her quality time with them, while ensuring they're safe.

they live quite far away and when they are in her care I know they are properly looked after, it's just making sure it is her they are with. I'm kind of hoping that now I have said she ahs to have them at her house and be with them all the time they visit that there wont be much call for them to go over. It is normally only a once a month/six weeks thing anyway, I just dont want to have to stop her contact all together, especially as she was very good to me when I was still with her son and great when we split. I just wish she would put her gc first when she is meant to be having them, she has her other gc (2 from sil, 1 from bil, 2 from bil2) plus two friends children, every day of the week whilst parents work, she does school drop off collections etc, and I know everyone takes advantage of her with it too. I just dont want to be the one that stops her seeing her gcs and feel that it is getting harder and harder for her to see them