To feel my abuse isn't taken seriously because I was never hit

[shabbi]

I'm really upset about this today.

Ex was emotionally abusive. After break up he trashed my home, would lurk around at night, did criminal damage, was verbally very nasty to me, has followed me and is still seen lurking around trying to figure out where I moved to (amongst other things).
I'm continuously anxious and have a lot of trauma from all of this. There's been multiple arrests and harassment charges and court dates.

But... he never hit me. He'd been aggressive but never hugely violent.

I just feel like no one takes it seriously apart from DP/DM.
None of my friends have been supportive. They kind of brush it off in a 'oh that's a bit inconvenient'.

I've also dealt with multiple (always male, sorry to be stereotypical) police officers completely patronise me.

Am I being over sensitive? I'm just ranting because I feel completely unheard and upset.

That's really crap op, yes a lot of abusive behaviour is ignored, and treated as not that bad. It shouldn't be brushed off just because he wasn't directly violent. You have been through a really traumatic period and you can be proud of yourself for coming out the other side.
Have you asked your friends directly why they don't take it seriously?

Next time someone makes a ridiculous assumption regarding the awful abuse you suffered, tell them this:

Coercive control is when a person with whom you are personally connected, repeatedly behaves in a way which makes you feel controlled, dependent, isolated or scared.

The following types of behaviour are common examples of coercive control:

*isolating you from your friends and family
controlling how much money you have and how you spend it
*monitoring your activities and your movements
repeatedly putting you down, calling you names or telling you that you are worthless
*threatening to harm or kill you or your child
*threatening to publish information about you or to report you to the police or the authorities
*damaging your property

It’s abuse and, since 2015, under the Serious Crimes Act, it’s been against the law to subject another person to this treatment.

We believe you, op

I’ve found the opposite personally, everyone I know says emotional abuse is worse than physical

Yes, I was also going to suggest calling it coercive control rather than emotional abuse might help people realise this is serious and criminal behaviour. But I'm sorry you've found it hard to be taken seriously, OP.

It’s absolutely shit, in honestly I’d of rather walked into the police station black and blue with my teeth in my hand and my ribs in pieces because at least then they could see my abuse. I’m so sorry you have gone through this, you’re not alone and it’s shit, I always felt like I was grieving, that horrid shitty empty worried feeling in the pit of my stomach, no other way to describe it. Also I worked for the police, I thought someone I knew in there would have my back and they let me down and hated giving my initial report to a male officer, no compassion, no follow up, no nothing.

Stay strong, you’ll be fine, things are crappy now but honestly you’ll be ok

I hope that as you move forwards you can find some good friends, because no one who ignores that level of abuse can be considered one

Well I get it. My x abused me physically, emotionally, verbally and financially.

The verbal and emotional abuses were the ones that left me needing re-programming.

I experienced exactly the same thing. My ex then tried to have me arrested for paying a hit man to attack him in the night. He played a good card because the motive was definitely there! Nothing came of it thankfully but even my family didn’t believe me really, still don’t, I don’t think.

Police couldn't have given a shit when my ex punched me in the head and tried to strangle me at 4 months pregnant. I'd expect nothing more from the joke which is Derbyshire Police though and would like to think other forces weren't as utterly shit.

I believe you. I’ve been a victim too. I was made to feel like I was making it up in court as there was no physical evidence

My parents still don't believe it was that bad because I never got hit. 10 years on, 3 trips to court, criminal investigations underway for recent behaviour towards me, an occasional realisation that actually he was that bad and they're still nowhere close.

I've not watched Corrie for months, my mum keeps telling me there's this really awful bloke in it at the moment - yeah really mum? But I'd know if someone was like that in real life - you really wouldn't mum, and you still don't get it.

I know what you mean OP. 'But I never hit you' was my ex's line. Like all the emotional, verbal and financial abuse was OK because he never hit me. It's one of the reasons I never told my family. He was so charming they'd never have understood. I also never told the vast majority of my friends. It's not that bad surely if you haven't been hit? He threatened to stalk me. I don't know if he ever did but the worry was enough.

But actually it's taken me years to be OK to do the things he used to rant at me for. I agree with a pp about reprogramming. But I believe you. I believe how deep the impact can be. But I also know you've seen the freedom on the other side and you know that what you experienced wasn't right.

Sorry your friends aren't being supportive, perhaps joining an online support or therapy group would bring you in touch with more supportive people. I went through similar, not many people know what to say or understand the complexity of abuse in an intimate relationship and it can compound your suffering. What you have been through and are going through sounds awful. Therapy could be a big help, I also recommend 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. Sounds crap but it is a really helpful book to get your head around why abusive men have no excuse for their behaviour and helped me to move on.

That was abuse. I’m sorry your friends didn’t understand how serious it all was.
Some sort of counseling & reading about the subject might be helpful.
Well done getting free.

The behaviour you've described is all illegal. If a friend minimises it I'd emphasise it's so serious that against the law. As for the police, I'm not sure about how to go about putting a complaint in, it sounds like they need some more training

You're definitely NOT being oversensitive!

I believe someone has to have been through it to truly truly understand how deeply emotional abuse affects a person. That's why so many survivors suffer from PTSD.

Can you get some form of Counselling? or have you talked to Womens aid? They also have a Survivors forum.. but i have found another forum which is really really good, and has a lot more posters, it's really helping me (i'm 1 year out of my EA relationship, and still trying to process what the hell happened).. I can PM you the details.

Just remember, your priority is staying well and happy and abuse-free. You're under no obligation to educate all and sundry about abuse and coercive control. That's not your job. If anyone asks, ever, just recommend they read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? and say you'll dicuss it with them when they have. It's unlikely they will need to ask you anything after reading that book.

YANBU.

There's still a lot of misunderstanding, minimising and wilful blindness on the subject, I think. As Nearly says, it's not up to you to prove it to anyone. Take your time to heal, ask for help if you need it. Look after yourself.

To be honest op until I found mumsnet I didn't even realise what my ex did was abuse, because he didn't hit me. I guess that's a reflection of my previous poor boundaries.

Totally agree about the dismissiveness. I had a girl at CMS tell me "that's not abusive" when I explained my ex witholding maintenance was a continuation of his abuse. I did receive an apology from her manager mind you.

I'm really sorry you're getting this reaction
I really recommend you find a freedom programme near you, it will help you see the whole pattern of your ex's behaviour, and perhaps also why others excuse it so readily. You will also gain a lot from hearing other people's stories. You can do it on line, but then you miss out on the strength of being with a group of survivors
good luck

I'm sorry to hear that OP. It's still a very uncomfortable subject for a lot of people. Some don't know what to say if they haven't gone through it. I also think sometimes those close to you, especially if you used to confide in them about the abuse during the relationship, lose sympathy and empathy in a "well you put up with it for so long" kind of way, that shows through their actions rather than them explicitly saying it out loud. A lot of people still question "why doesn't she just leave" or worse , have a "you made your bed now lie in it" sort of attitude.

Technically you can now class so many things as abuse if you want to. I know so many people who call the police for abuse over nothing nowadays because they love the drama, I think it must be harder than ever for real sufferers to come forward and be taken seriously

You are heard here by me and many others and you are right; still huge ignorance surrounding what constitutes abuse. It's alwasy easier to accept what we can see directly and ignore/dismiss what is less visible which is why so many abusers resort to the type of abuse you are describing as it's much easier to get away with. You can see a bruise but you can't see somone's self-esteem unravelling. Sadly, I think people are much more self-absorbed than they once were but there are people about who have the qualities that you seek in a friendship. The absence of validation that you are describing only serves to layer one trauma on top of another; you are right to challenge it.

Technically you can now class so many things as abuse if you want to. I know so many people who call the police for abuse over nothing nowadays because they love the drama, I think it must be harder than ever for real sufferers to come forward and be taken seriously

What do you class as "real sufferers"? Please tell.

A relative of mine was physically hurt on one occasion. The rest was emotional and financial. The original policeman who took her statement still said it was one of the worst cases of abuse he had come across.

It is well recognised that emotional abuse can be more destructive than physical. It can destroy you as a person and take years to recover from.

Your ignorance is showing.