Fed up with 'Who is feeling worse' with DH

[MTGGamer]

Background: Together 9 years, married 5, one 17month old DS. Currently on furlough, DH currently on SSP but due to RTW soon.

I am so FED UP with not feeling like I am allowed to be a bit out of sorts because I am unwell. I am fighting off a horrid double ear infection that hasn't responded to 1st round ABs, so now on 2nd round ear drops. It is affecting my sleep, blocked both ears and left me with loud tinnitus. I also have had double conjunctivitis which has led to contact dermatitis on my face all around my eyes, from my eyelids down to my cheeks. It's sore, red, and occasionally bleeding. I look like I've been punched in the face. I feel bloody crap and I think it's warranted. I am a bit more short tempered, and our DS is very clingy and needing more attention, which doesn't help.

However, my DH has been fighting off what he says is a migraine today. He gets them regularly, and when he has one he's basically out for the day, but today has been able to get out of bed and 'manage'. It ALWAYS seems like I'm competing on who is worse off, who needs the rest more, who is in more pain. We ended up squabbling because 'you have an ear infection and your face is sore, it's not that bloody bad. You know I've got a migraine, and you still talk to me like this.' (In response to me being indecisive and a bit short.) I got up with the baby, have kept him entertained, taken him to the (empty) park, and while he was sleeping, gone to the supermarket to get my 4th prescription in the last 2 weeks, and the list of junk food DH asked me to get. DS' nap time is normally my only respite until bed. DH then proceeds to tell me exactly HOW I'm allowed to rest if I do decide to go upstairs; "If you go up to rest, don't take your phone or tablet, because you should be resting or sleeping, not playing or watching videos. If you do I won't be happy because I actually need the rest."
I am so rarely unwell that it's not like me to need time to rest. DH has just recovered from 2 bouts of pneumonia and is finally well enough to return to work (once they find a position for him, he works at the hospital) and I looked after him and DS no matter how bad I felt.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to compete on who has got it bloody worse, and to just be allowed to feel a bit crap?
P.S. I don't mean allowed to act like an arsehole, I mean just allowed to be a bit sad/quiet/grumpy/subdued.

The only person acting like an arsehole is your husband

Get factual in your conversation. Take it in turns. Stick to divvying out tasks and time being responsible for DS. Any talk of who feels worse, just ignore.

You've already established he is going to top trump whatever you complain about so don't, equally don't listen to him moaning either.

Yanbu, this was one of the many reason last why ex and I separated. I could never be ill, and if I was he was iller. For us it booked down to him being lazy and not valuing me enough. He’d want a medal if he had look after he dcs if I was poorly. It’s not an attractive quality

I don’t know how to fix it.

But I know what will make it worse - getting pregnant . DONT GET PREGNANT. Even by accident.

He sounds like a total fucking pain in the arse. What an awful uncaring man. You sound so poorly, you poor thing. Does he always have to make everything about him? Ugh. I’m sorry, OP. I do hope you feel better soon.

My DP is like this. If I mention I feel ill, he’ll suddenly develop the same symptoms, but worse of course. I can’t be ill on my own ever!

You have my sympathy OP.

I would tell him to fuck off (and did when my ‘D’H tried to do the same).
I’m not allowed to be I’ll as whatever I have he suddenly gets it worse.
Even when I had Gynae surgery he had to have a day in bed during my recovery time as he was so tired

I've mentioned on here before, an ex work colleague who was diagnosed with breast cancer. The day after her diagnosis her husband almost (accidentally) sawed his finger off. She sighed and said "yes, I'm not even allowed to have cancer" I thought it was a strange remark as I wasn't married at the time. I am now, and now I know exactly what she was talking about.
I agree with pp, get factual. Divide out the tasks. Let him whinge if he must, but don't feed it by getting into a competition. Just insist he pulls his weight regardless, as you always do

I've read so many times things like this and I believe the "right" answer is that you can only work on how you react, you can't change how he chooses to behave, maybe just influence with being an example to him. But on the other hand, he might just milk it and still not support you when you are feeling rubbish.

If that's the case, he's telling you who he is and maybe you'll hear it loud and clear. Do you know what I mean? Hugs to you. I've been there. Just look after you when you need to. xx

I try to take it in turns. Yesterday, knowing he had the markets of a migraine coming, I offered to get up with the baby today so he got the lie in. He insisted he would be fine and he would get up. I was looking forward to rest time.
Lo and behold, 10 minutes before DS woke today, I got a message that he wasn't feeling well and could I do the morning today? I know I offered but I was more annoyed because he told me he didn't need me to!

We do try to take turns, cooking, who does bedtime, naptime, mornings etc, but I'm still primary caregiver.
Guess who has been resting upstairs for 2+ hours, leaving me to deal with clingy baby, cook him tea and manage my face feeling on fire?

Bet he ain’t sleeping and is on his phone doing exactly what he forbade you from doing

Oh god don’t have another baby with him. Treat yourself to a divorce.

It's so tiring living with someone who behaves like this, isn't it? It is very telling that even when you are feeling so poorly, you still have to keep going, but when your husband is poorly off he toddles to spend all his time in bed. If only you had the same luxury!

Next time he tries illness top trumps, can you say its not a competition, we both feel poorly, let's help each other by doing x and y. Make it about what you need to get through the day, rather than the conversation focusing on how he feels physically.

I really sympathise. My husband gets into a similar mindset when he is ill, and it is so frustrating to deal with.

Why isn't he taking medicine when he know's the migraine is coming on. It may not get rid off it but it may lesson the effects.

So he has been sleeping upstairs, I go up to get various bed time things, get told to 'go away'. He's had the window wide open so it's freezing, and I tell him, well DS is coming to bed within an hour so I'm putting the blackout blind up and closing the window. After nearly 3 1/2 hours it sounds like he is coming downstairs... any prizes for guessing who will be doing bedtime?

To be fair, I’ve had double ear infections (with a high fever) and allergic conjunctivitis which swelled up my eyes so I could barely see and peeled all the skin around my eyes and top of my cheeks and the pain was not even a fraction of the pain I get from my migraines. A migraine lasts a minimum of 5 hrs so the fact he’s been lying down for 2hrs means he is not even halfway through yet. If I had to choose between the two, I’d rather have what you have OP. Migraines are so unpredictable. You think you may just have a headache and can manage and next thing you know you feel like a hot poker is scrambling your brains and you are about to vomit.

So instead of both of you viewing it like a competition, can you just accept you both have poor health right now? Just take turns as best you can. Try not to be resentful of each other. Rest when he’s not got a migraine, and manage as best you can when he does.

I fucking hate it when I'm 'not allowed' to be ill. ExDH was like it and to some extent, current DP. If I have a headache, he has a migraine. If I'm having a shitty day, his is worse. I start to lose sympathy and eventually just stop saying anything. Luckily we don't live together.

Your DH doesn't get to opt out of parenting unless he has Covid or D&V (where he would be more of a danger than a help). He needs to take correct medication/painkillers and share the load. Cannot abide helpless, mithering men. Its yet another fanny-drier.