To think I am a horrible bitch

[user9846754]

I'm grieving for somebody special at the moment, I'm doing it alone without RL support but I'm worried I'm a bitch. I was on a bereavement forum but I've stopped reading it because it makes me feel angry that people who have just lost somebody have had all that extra time with their loved one and I don't want to post something that will upset them. I'm horrible aren't I ?

• Title edited by MNHQ *

Should be I am in thread title have asked mn to edit it

No, you clearly aren't horrible because you knew it was wrong to post something hurtful, so you didn't.
It's not unusual to feel bitter during bereavement, it's natural to feel this way.
Don't be hard on yourself.
I'm very sorry for your loss.

Yes, I clicked on the thread to find out who Ian was!

No. You are not. Everyone reacts differently when bereaved. Be kind to yourself. FWIW, one of the greatest emotional pains I ever felt was when I learned of the death of my first love, it was indescribable. Take care of yourself.

It will help you to talk to others going through bereavement. Just, take a minute to reflect before you comment. Even if you share how you feel that unfairness without it being personal I think people will understand and support you. Of course you are not wrong, you are having to process a horrible shock. I am very sorry and hope you are not alone.

Grief is personal to each of us. You're not a bitch for feeling angry or envious of others. However, I think your instinct to remove yourself from the bereavement board was a good one. Take care of yourself, losing someone is never easy.

Grief is a weird one op. You are not a bitch.
However your thread title made me smile...thought you were talking about Ian Beale or someone!

You know what, I think it would be ok to post something on the bereavement forum that says that you are upset that you DIDN'T get time with your loved one before they went - but make it personal to you, about your feelings (including anger, that's ok) rather than attacking anyone else who did get that time. People will then sympathise with you and give you support - and there will be others who also lost their loved ones with little/no warning on there, who will be encouraged to speak out/support you too.

It's ok to be angry - but don't be angry at the other people who had the time, it's not their fault. It's not your fault either - you can be angry generally at the unfairness, but not specifically at the other people who are also grieving.

(((hugs))) and for you. x

Not at all. You are grieving. Grieving is personal and strange, and makes us think things we might not have expected.

You're going through enough right now without you punishing yourself like this on top of it. It's ok to think those things. Allow yourself to feel what you feel.

You are unreasonable to think you are a bitch. A feeling is just that - a feeling. They aren’t wrong or right. There’s no right and wrong feeling around grief. Everyone is different. You feel envious of the time others had with the person they lost. That’s ok. It’s not their fault though and you know it but feeling it doesn’t make you a bitch in any way. So sorry you are going through this. Be kind to yourself. This is hard enough without punishing yourself for how you are grieving.

Theres no rules about grieving. You never know how you will react. You say you have no rl support. The thing i found most helpful was listening to Griefcast. It made me feel less alone. You could try that?

Ian may be but you're not!

but don't be angry at the other people who had the time, it's not their fault.

I'm angry at the situation not at them, I'm very clear about that, just each time I read a post that somebody has died I feel the awful angry and envy

My dsis suffered with terrible anger and hostility after finding our darling mum lying on the floor where she had been all night. It really affected her.
22 years later when we tslk about this time she can't remember some of the awful things she said and did. Grief had to be worked through and it can take a long time. Its certainly not unreasonable to be angry. We all deal with grief in different ways so dont be too hard on yourself

Anger is a normal part of grief. It's ok to feel angry. Don't call yourself a bitch though.

@user9846754

You have a right to feel however you want OP, especially when grieving. It’s only natural to feel angry at the situation, the loss of someone is massive part of life. Be kinder to yourself and go through the motions, things won’t always feel like this.

Grief is a strange thing and you go through a ton of different emotions. You are not a bitch at all you just need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time. When my grandad passed away it was just before my graduation and I felt very angry with him for going before the event - I mean how unreasonable is that?! But I worked through it and now just have lovely memories - it comes right in the end but give yourself space and time.

thank you all for being understanding

You're not a bitch. I lost my husband in my 30s and many many years later every time someone tells me how hard it is to lose your life partner in retirement I think, yes but.

I don't say it now but I may have snapped a couple of times in the early years (in real life, but not to the person bereaved).

I feel exactly like you OP, I lost two brothers and my mum way too young, a couple of weeks ago I lost my best friend at 50yo, when I read about people that have lost their 97yo granny for example I feel how lucky they are that they had all that extra time with them, and I feel angry too, you’re not a bitch, just human in thinking it’s just so unfair, don’t read that forum at the moment, it won’t help x

It sounds like the forum might not actually be helping you.